You Searched, We Answered

Posted by Lizzie on 12/02/06

We are usually irritated by those search keyword roundups–”Someone got here by searching for ETHICAL DATIVE; can you BELIEVE it?” but December has brought a wave of plaintive entreaties we find we can actually answer. We will omit all of the search phrases you can imagine our name brings–except “pointed tits”, which we take as a directive–but, rest assured, we will tire of our mastery of site stats very soon.

lizzie skurnick
Yes! Well done.

macfayden knightley
Totally.

what are some sites that get past pesky website blockers
It’s like you’re searching for porn with an English accent. Carry on.

im loving memory of an employee poems
We’re assuming, Boss Jekyll, YOU didn’t kill said employee with the file-hurling rage that is the corollary to this wave of regret and despair, right? What’s that you say? It won’t happen again? Not for the three months’ salary it’s going to take to pay the temp and conduct the statewide job search caused by your mid-level manager lack of impulse control, it won’t. But to get back to the question, the standard text for disposing of an employee in the parking lot is Hopkins’ “Spring and Fall.”

baltimore oh girls
Of course, now that we’re GONE.

sorche fairbank
Can you call us this from now on? Oh, you’re too busy trying to hold off on law school.

what do we know about the narrators name reaching dustin
Oh my god, we don’t know! How much are you going to NEED us to know? Is it like, his name is Dust– , and we’re hoping he’ll get there? Or does Dustin NEED TO KNOW who the narrator’s name is? What do you mean by REACH? We don’t know–AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE DON’T KNOW!!! Jesus. We’re going to the next one.

eye elisions
We don’t know; eye is pretty short, champ–what are you going for, e’e? Did you have something to do with this Dustin thing?

ethical dative
We have pretended to know what this is in the past; we have no idea. Did our commenter help?

what do hag worms eat
God, is there something called a HAG WORM? It’s like, being a hag isn’t bad enough? Ahhhh…Google would like to know if you meant hagworm. Chump.

# of pages in mona simpson s paperback version of the lost father
558. And sucks for you, because it’s not the one where she has sex in the pool.

harold dieterle girlfriend

Omigod, is Google now SENDING QUERIES DIRECTLY FROM OUR BRAIN? Hold on.

Seriously, we have no idea. But one of the few benefits of the bugaboo-wielding gauntlet we negotiate on our way to the F train is the occasional sighting of Mr. “I don’t understand why you did dessert. This is an amuse bouche challenge” himself. And, while we feel it is craven and inappropriate to actually report on semi-semi-celebrities’ real-world activities, we think Mr. Dieterle will not mind if we inform readers that, even before he LEAPT up to give his seat to one such Bugaboo-wielder the other day, HE WAS THE HOTTNESS.
Hold on a sec.

Götterdämmerung!

lindsay lohan problematic prose
Yeah. Cause THAT’S the problem.

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