…that you are such a bunch of heartless bastards. JEEZ. While a full 948 of you are still stewing over the fact that some coffee-starved academic threw you to the bottom of the pile 89 years ago, only 1.2 of you care when people stomp your heart and hand it back to you with an unbelievably insincere expression of regret. We’ve revised all our views. You know what is probably the BEST cure for heartbreak? Obsessing over how you only missed double 800’s* on the SATs because they thought rain:mist was more like wave:swell than hand:fingers. Listen, mist branches OUT FROM RAIN like FINGERS from a HAND. No it doesn’t? Fuck you.
The three lucky winners of a signed copy of Cures for Heartbreak**:
Valiant display of despair, erudition.
Possible variation: Ordering every catalog you can think of and having it sent to the party in question. We’re just saying.
Congratulations, pen enthusiast, gatekeeper of the card catalog.
The two lucky winners of Acceptance:
1. H Habilis
Actually did laugh out loud.
Okay, okay. But only because Melanie already won.
Honorable mention: Khalil, for being from Mauritius, which is apparently an achievement all on its own.
Winners, please contact me at theoldhag OF COURSE, AT theoldhag YES, DOT com to claim your prize. And anyone who’ll stew, write me anyway. I’d rather dig up something for you than have you spend the next 20 years in a state of outrage.
YOU’RE ALL WINNERS! ***
* The young people have a clever name for this. Does anyone know what it is? Seriously, it goes in one ear and out the other over here.
** Just FYI, thanks to ALL entrants for sparing us “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.”
*** Not really.