I said, Good day, Sir! Good day!

Posted by Lizzie on 10/03/05

We are going to be getting our Kugel on for about two days and then, if all goes well, batting for the other side and bathing in the goyrious waters of Christmas shopping. After that, we are getting our country on and spending three weeks or so crossing it. Which is to say, blogging on our part will be spotty up until next week, when we have some great guest bloggers lined up to take you through October.

AND CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT’S OCTOBER ALREADY. TIME’S CHARIOT, TAKE IT DOWN TO THE CONTROL ROOM.

Incidentally, we have been trying to fit in a massive post summing up our life and blogging career up until this point for the past two years. We get all hyped to do it at the end of the summer, at the start of the Jewish New Year, at the end of the New Year New Year, and whenever we quit a job. Queerly, like writing residency deadlines and parking ticket amnesties, we keep missing these moments. If we do in fact get to this post, it will be so long, unruly, unfocused and tedious that, like digesting said Kugel, it will hold you until we get to the guests. If we don’t, don’t hold it against us.* Happy New Year!

* Unless by “it”, you are speaking of your strong and probing fingers manipulating the hot stones of a massage.

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The Paper Chase

Posted by Lizzie on 09/30/05

Our sister just asked us to bring home a bunch of our non-recycled New Yorkers for Rosh Hashona, which reminds us not only of the eighty or so we haven’t read yet, but of the eighty others we tossed in the bathroom garbage after making sure we’d read what we wanted just to get them the hell off of our plate. We’re feeling a terrible ache about giving those unread ones up, yet the sight of them is so guilt-inducing, that, however hard, we’re going to follow the edict of simply chucking anything you haven’t accomplished in six months* in the interest of sanity. (more…)

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Doctor Zhivago

Posted by Lizzie on 09/27/05

With his melancholy Russian temperament, the BOOG is often quick to espouse the grim wisdom of his people. With our diagnosed melancholia, we are often quick to medicate. This morning, as usual, we awoke with an anxiety attack and a crushing feeling of doom.

BOOG: “What’s wrong?”
Hag: “I had a really stressful dream.”
BOOG: “Honey, your life is really hard. Even your dreams are stressful.”

* Somewhat related — our favorite Slavic joke. Q: What are the three things a person can watch forever? A: Fire, water, and other people working.

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MPMe

Posted by Lizzie on 09/23/05

Thanks to the joys of technology, you can listen to my radio appearance here. Schnap. [Thanks, Aaron!] Since you’ll have to sit through a reading of two serious* poems, we’re linking to some fun ones here. (Okay, the last one is only funny if you have a burning interest in Philip Gourevitch and his Paris Review. But you do, right?)

* =boring

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MBFoolbox

Posted by Lizzie on

If you would like to see us discuss young adult novels, explain our book of poetry, wear a dress while sporting an egregious tan line, and put our father to sleep all in one fell swoop, click here.

It’s also not too late to hear our radio interview on WYPR’s The Signal — it will be broadcast tonight again at 7 p.m. Eastern time — you can listen on the site.

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If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be “Sorry”

Posted by Lizzie on 08/30/05

Old Hag has had a nasty cold for two weeks, and, for other assorted reasons she will not go into at this date and time, is profoundly and monumentally — as they say in the poor, ravaged, southern climes * — tard. There’s a great guest-blogger coming up on the sixth who will remain secret until that date (hint: her book LAUNCHES on the sixth), but until then, go here and empty your pockets, throw your head back and laugh gladly and long that a certain someone has finally been routed from BCD (brush-clearing duty), and get back to whoever or whatever you were doing RIGHT AWAY.

* Those seeking actual updates on Katrina should turn to Ed if they haven’t already. He has been keeping excellent digital watch from San Fran, and doing something called “Bat Segundo” that involves technology we don’t have. If Apple’s stock is any indicator, though, you do. OGIC and Terry are similarly employed.

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Also, if you can find someone to take a shower FOR you, that counts

Posted by Lizzie on 08/22/05

We agree with all, and add two things:

1. Don’t buy $300 of new products from Benefit. Benefit sells bronzer and Badgal Lash mascara. None of this can help your new gray face. It does not sell antibiotics.
2. Endless loops of The Comeback — on HBO’s new ON DEMAND totally awesome! — is the one to watch, although the more feverish you are, the more you will decide that you are exactly like Valerie Cherish — to say nothing of her mascara.

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Gone Hackin’

Posted by Lizzie on 08/16/05

The Old Hag is suffering the indignity of a terrible bronchial infection, and thus will not be blogging this week, possibly ever again. We’re going to see if the stuff the BOOG got us will make us feel better, but until then, remember the upcoming…

1. Treatise on Lesbian pulp fiction;
2. One or two whiny personal essays;
3. First “meme”, EVER;
4. Guest-editing by two hot new “authors.” (Actually, we are the “author.” They are authors!);
5. Double-deep two-scoops super-secret background PROJECT;
6. Far less controversial, since we had nothing to do with it, Litblog Coop pick, and…
7. One book by us! Which should have already been published! But we are crossing our fingers!

Cough. Also, we have no idea why we find it so hilarious, but we are linked in Radar. We don’t think they even sell that shit in Baltimore, but in honor of whatever intern did that, try their links list today.

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Felicia Marie Noth & David Achille Skurnick, July 23, 2005

Posted by Lizzie on 07/28/05

FDD.jpg

1. J. Crew silk moire dress: $98
2. “Floren” Slingback Sandal: $49.95
3. Tigi Catwalk Curls Rock! Leave-in Moisturizer: $17
4. Bride’s Tarte cosmetics: $250
5. Bride’s Sephora tools: $158.45
6. 19 eyeliners and mascaras to match the missing Tarte products: $56.93
7. Undetectably Xeroxed at Kinko’s neon programs: $56
8. Totally incompetent hairdresser/makeup artist: $25
9. Freakishly overpriced ticket for tubing: $20
10. Freakishly overpriced THANK GOD WE GOT THEM aquatic shoes for tubing: $8
11. Replacement for the transmission that exploded at 125th street and the muffler that conveniently dropped with rusted dignity onto the corner of 18th and 9th Ave, as calculated by one “Moe”: $1700
12. NEW SISTER-IN-LAW, HER TREMENDOUS FAMILY, AND HER BROTHER-IN-LAW JIM GAFFIGAN, WHO CAN BE FOUND AT MYSPACE.COM, THAT’S MYSPACE.COM:

PRICELESS.

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Irritating but obligatory excuse

Posted by Lizzie on 07/27/05

Sorry for the silence here. Circumstances hereabouts have necessitated various acts of resting and regrouping, possible even some hot-stone massage. We will soon return, and highlights of future entries include lesbian pulp fiction, incompetent makeup artists, beloved flight attendants, the first ever Old Hag Meme*, and possible even some, you know, commentary on books and stuff. Look for us in steam room — we’ll be the one with the KFC.

* tm OH LLC

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This is the part where we drunkenly say we love you, it’s the rotgut, and we’ll never do it again

Posted by Lizzie on 06/28/05

We know we’ve had an alarmingly — well, not ALARMINGLY. Palpably, shall we say — diminishing run of posts lately hereabouts, which is to say, in fact, that we have not been posting. But it’s summer, and we like to be outside, working on our tan. And when we are not outside, we are inside, working on our task chair, which spins almost 90 degrees from side to side. Sadly, though, we’re not very smart, and about one slight turn to the left is all we can handle before we have to ask the intern to take over.

Anyway, though we know it’s annoying to act like you have a blog, disappear, then come back only to apologize, WE JUST DID IT. The last year has left our brain feeling somewhat s t r e t c h e d o u t, and, though we will soon write a long and delirious post about that, we’re lining up some guest bloggers to handle things until the largest organ in the body has had a chance to return to its natural snappy shape. We’re also in the midst of launching a grand project over the next couple of months that will make Old Hag look like something you peeled off the bottom of your shoe. (That’s not saying very much, but still.) You’ll be hearing more about that soon, and it may even INVOLVE you in some way, which you might like, since, though it will not involve presenting you with money, it will also not involve asking you for it.

If you’ve written to me in the last few weeks and we haven’t responded, we will soon, unless you’re a psycho or something. We will also try to get through the backlog of posts we’ve got hanging around. Some of you have been emailing us links of late, which makes our job very easy, even when we’re not really doing it. Feel free to keep doing that — and look for an increasingly haggish and leathery poster to return when the leaves turn day-glo orange and the people fade again.

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Who is this “patient waiting,” anyway? Can he tell us where the bathroom is in this joint?

Posted by Lizzie on 06/01/05

Not that we have been blogging a great deal anyway of late, but we’d like to let you know that we’ll be blogging even less this week, as we have to head off to a cocktail party, a dinner out, another cocktail party, and our ten-year college reunion, which will be more of the same, we assume. (We’ve already gotten one barbecue and good-bye party out of the way. Hi, Liam! Hi, John! Buy these men!) Anyway, we’re terrified, as it seems we have been slated to spend the next week in line for either a drink or the bathroom. We’re going to take heart from a recent rejection letter we received from a press whose name we won’t get into right now, though. You understand we had to change some of the words, but the sentiment comes through:

“The selection [of waiters and bathrooms] for this year’s [thing to which you have been invited] has been agonizingly difficult. The quality of the [people we invited] testifies to the vitality of [gathering people to drink and go to the bathroom] in an increasingly unmanageable and bellicose world.

“You must, of course, continue to believe fervently [that you will get a drink/go the bathroom eventually], and I hope that you can shrug off every disappointment knowing that the eventual rewards will be so much sweeter for the patient waiting.”

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Link to Meme

Posted by Lizzie on 05/23/05

1. The person (or persons) who passed the baton to you.
Dude!

2. Total volume of music files on your computer.
None, you fuckers! I am CD/RECORD/TAPE DECKS ALL THE WAY GO 1987!!!!!!!

3. The title and artist of the last CD you bought.
That last Loretta Lynn/Jack White CD. I was so sad he got dumped by Zellweggs. Either that or the soundtrack to “Pieces of April.”

4. Song playing at the moment of writing.
The gentle hum of my office eMac.

5. Five songs you have been listening to of late (or all-time favorites, or particularly personally meaningful songs)
I could and do listen to Anita O’Day’s ‘Round Midnight all day long (tho’ I am no longer allowed to sing along to it). I’m not lonely, even though I’m alone. Also, any lieder of any kind, especially “Widmung.”

Though this meme is sort of apropos, because this morning I could not get the most dubious, absolutely unconvincing couplet in all songland out of my head: Elton John singing “But the only sound that I really like/Is the sound of a switchblade and a motorbike.” That, and “Old Friends” every time I look at the freaking Steven Dixon cover.

6. The five people to whom you will ‘pass the musical baton’
FIVE PEOPLE! God, what is this, a freaking chain letter? Will my CD player start skipping when I jog if I don’t link? (Oh, right. It already does that.) Anyway, SFJ already sent me his eight-thousand choices for the year, as did this dude. Ask them. Their choices will be so much less sad and loser-y than mine, it’s not even funny. I might as well have gone with continuous recordings of “Balalaika.”

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On a personal note

Posted by Lizzie on 05/22/05

Baltimore is one of the few cities with a preponderence of interracial couples in the William S. Cohen/Peggy* Langhart tradition instead of the used-more-frequently-in-highly-politicized-films Quincy Jones/Peggy Lipton tradition. When yet another one came into a restaurant where we were eating dinner, we noted to the BOOG how funny it was that no one even looked anymore, whereas when we were younger, our family — William S. Cohen/Peggy Langhart 4-Ever!!!!!!!! — used to silence a restaurant with our arrival. Now, a fellow halfie tells me we have tote bags and special stationary. Call me when we get the casino rights. [Thanks, Emily!]

* Janet. Keep wanting them both to be Peggy.

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We will, however, be using the construction “I have a depression” from now on

Posted by Lizzie on 05/13/05

We would like to demystify our depression as much as the next nuthouse, but we fear any treatise containing the words “Let us now return to Figure 4″ will soon have us using cyanide in a salsa-like arrangement with our daily bag of Tostitos.* [via La Plus Belle Hacquer de la vie]

* We are psyched for the heavily anti-convential-wisdomic “Avoid Sports like the Plague!”, however.

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Trust us: Fanfiction will be more entertaining

Posted by Lizzie on 05/11/05

We know. We KNOW. WE KNOW. It’s ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. But we’re trying to learn a new job, and, well, as Amazon reviewer J. Peterson (“JP”) sagely commented, we’re just not that bright. Back soon with self-important thoughts.

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Passunder

Posted by Lizzie on 04/20/05

Hi, pretty people. I’m sorry it’s been so empty and empty-ish here lately. About 27 writers of my acquaintance have approached me worriedly — okay, one, whatever — and said, you’re off your medication! I was, but my boss has fixed my insurance and I have returned to it. Also, I am not neglecting the site because I’m dying on the couch, only because I’m working at a new job. Some say same thing.

Anyway, I will be back to bringing you the same vibrant errata you have come to expect from this space after Passover. (Also, not-very-moist sponge cake! I know, I know, you cannot wait.) Until then, take a moment and slap some lamb’s blood up on your door. Unless you are Britney Spears, in which case you should scrub that motherfucker with bleach until it gleams.

And (*cough* give them money *cough*) cast your eye down to my advertisers in the lower right-hand corner if you have a second. They’ve come so far for so little pixilation. Surely you can spare a click.

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Tasked into submission

Posted by Lizzie on 04/05/05

Sorry for the DEAD SILENCE around here, people. We began in our new place of work today, and it’s likely to be quiet-esque and silent-ine in these here parts for a time….that is, until we figure out how to waste it as efficiently and frequently as in our last job. Those inquiring after guest-blogger posts, seek within. Also, we’re seeking short fiction and humor pieces at the new place of work. You’re a “writer”, right? And funny? Funny-looking? Funnier than that, you must be. Email us at theoldhag AT theoldhag DOT com to get paid.*

* Incidentally, the award for stupidest things to spam us about goes to…. BACKGAMMON. When we start getting crap from Old Maid and UNO, we’ll reconsider.

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NEVER lose an opportunity to bring your mother into it

Posted by Lizzie on 03/22/05

We post this not to gross you out but to comment how, when we had to have a similar boil lanced, our mother’s only comment afterward was that she wished she could have watched.

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Link to Live, or, why BLOGLINES IS RUINING MY LIFE

Posted by Lizzie on 03/17/05

We’re in the process of transitioning (we quit) from one job (no windows) to another (great chairs), which means that, instead of spending a goodly amount of time on this blog, we will, once again, be doing work. What this also means is that we have, for whatever, subconscious, despicable reason, been spending our last days in a terrifying round robin of blog-checking, blog-posting, email-checking, email-sending, message-checking, and guilt. We have also been thinking — which is so, so, dangerous, especially when you really need to clean the bathroom — some nakedly philosophical thoughts. We have placed them where philosophy should ALWAYS go: after the jump. Jump! No, seriously. Jump!

(more…)

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