The Double Helix

Posted by Lizzie on 10/14/07

I am sorry it has been so long. Actually, for most of the summer, I was walking around former colonial superpowers and didn’t have a computer. Then I downloaded–there’s no reason, I just did–something from AOL called Helix, which, as AOL promised, let me “multitask in fewer clicks and with fewer hassles”, mainly by crippling Windows* so absolutely that two baffled computer scientists, after two or three hours of tinkering, looked up and asked, “You backed up your data, right?”

Anyway, I have also, for various reasons, been thinking of finally officially closing down the blog, since several print publications with subdomains of their own have stepped into the whole “clever dinner party guest at a vast, faceless table” with great dispatch and enthusiasm (look above for VQR giveaway) and will probably trundle along for at least a few years before post-aperitif fatigue hits. If I did read blogs, I would read those, but lately I’ve been disentangling myself from the grid, since marching around my old daily online reading circuit seems to crescendo into a Nickelodeon-viewing level of overstimulation for me. Maybe it’s because after your twenties, when your thoughts are a crucial part of the public discourse, you’re supposed to descend into a period of hiberation until you’ve saved up enough opinions to be a blowhard through most of your dotage? Maybe it’s because I’ve finally had a karaoke breakthrough? (With Joni Mitchell, yet.) I don’t know.

That said, the decision to close down occurred at exactly the same time a bunch of strangers, unprompted, came forward to say they liked it and not to Helix the whole thing**. So I’m going to leave it up for the archives if you want them, and do mostly what I have been doing lately, which is to give you giveaways, slap up some Speedreaders, and let you know what I am doing in the world of print. (This is today’s review, and my debut, in the LAT, and I have some other things coming along soon, god willing.) If I want to tell you something or you want to tell me something, give me a call or messenger me a cuneiform tablet and I’ll see what I can do.

(But, if I were going to have a last personal side note, I would probably say something about, oh, I don’t know, a nonevent this morning’s at a farmer’s market [or Baltimore’s version a farmers’ market, which is located in an underpass, with an assemblage of rutebagas and used condoms and the aroma of crab cakes and urine]. So I am standing at the smoked-things stall when I heard this grating voice to my left. The voice happens to belong to a former boss, but believe me, it would be grating on anyone, even on someone I loved, and it’s unfair to bring it up but I just did. I didn’t realize it was said boss until I saw they were running out of sourdough to my left and I had to dash and could put grate to face. But here’s note on ignoring former employees whom you know very well are people you know when they are standing next to you and you are being too slow with the smoked-things guy: I’m not sure you should pointedly ignore anyone you know after the age of 13, but ignoring former employees, unless they stole from you or urinated on something, is fired–not least because the best way to torture a former employee is by being the bigger person. Seriously, I have had umpteenth teachable moments with this boss that have yet to take root in any action that I can see. Step it up, lady; I’m not made of patience. As anyone knows, taking it upon yourself to mortify a former boss with a huge hug and sparkling small talk gets old.

Anyway, I’m already the bigger person.

Okay, one last time:

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* Please, Mac people, do not tell me to get a Mac. I don’t care.

** Before you tell me to get a Mac again because you haven’t been paying attention, I don’t care.

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May the best challenge to the ruling win

Posted by Lizzie on 04/19/07

On a dark day, the only joy is the revelation of….The Holy Trinity!

P.S., no ghoulish associations intended, seriously. Longtime readers will recognize the obsession from here and here. You know what? For old times’ sake:

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Playtex, no reason

Posted by Lizzie on 03/15/07

This is rapidly becoming one of those blogs wherein personal ephemera so wholly overtakes any ostensible theme or focus that we are as a muttering old person on the subway is to Barack Obama on a podium, but anyway, we just have to say, we noticed there’s an update to our favorite ad OF ALL TIME, which, if you haven’t seen, is:

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We were searching around for the new one to show you all, since we a) think it’s vastly inferior and b) know you’ve been on pins and needles about it for weeks. We couldn’t find it, so your collective disgust joining ours will have to wait.

We did, however, find this.

You know, we were walking around feeling like the inspiration and wisdom we gained from parsing the particular brilliance of the Playtex thwack above was something we pretty much only shared with our friend C while texting on a caramel candy popcorn/Ina Garten high. Guess what? Apparently our delight was shared…. in a well-regarded mainstream news publication…. by a boy.

Okay, traditional media. Here is another thing we are obsessed with:


This means “I just rolled my eyes.”

You can also say:


We have an associate with a treatise on the “, lol” phenom, when you are ready for us to file.

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Leo Fakeout Advisory: Change in Effect

Posted by Lizzie on 02/28/07

We know, usually when we don’t post for awhile, we go with the classic




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BUT TODAY, to make up for what we’re pretty sure will become a really egregious period of not posting, we thought we go with


Hope this helps.

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Free Books, Free Books, Kill Me Now

Posted by Lizzie on 02/14/07

UPDATE: So consumed were we with the vicissitudes of Valentine’s Day, we totally forgot about yet another pack of men who apparently need to be the centers of attention at all timePresidents Day. Therefore, in honor of this week’s trip to D.C., we will leave the polls open until the close of Tuesday. (Related: We are fascinated about how only one man has dared to go down into this comment thread. [How about ‘poke around’ or ‘stick his head i–‘ oh, whatever. Just tell them there’s no way to avoid this one, and to keep their hea–WHATEVER–out of the gutter for FIVE MINUTES, for Christ’s sake.–Ed] Are you scared, or have we finally found one topic that prevents you from just blabbing on about yourselves forever and ever ever? Try becoming President; then you get people to blab about you for you.)

die.gifSo, Valentine’s Day. It’s great, right? No it’s great! Fabulous! We love it! We love being single for the first time in, oh, seven or eight years, enjoying the happy ticking of the mid-region. (That clock keeps awesome time.) We love that yesterday, on the phone, we said to our friend, “Omigod, my cats are so cute; you have to meet them!” Yeah, we did! Try it sometime!

Anyway, to add to the general joy, we thought we’d offer a whopping books giveaway and CHALLENGE. We were going to just keep it gold standard and have our challenge be the most annoying thing a man ever did to you, but since the world is pretty much already dedicated to the annoying things men do, we are loath to give over a post to it*. We’ll turn away from the dark side a sec. Your challenge is to tell us:


Men, you can totally enter your best/most successful lines too. If a woman dropped a good line on you, feel free, but understand that technically women are just supposed to sit there and look pretty and let you pay for stuff.** If you’re gay, we guess you can enter like 18 times. Heh.

To start things off, we thought we’d offer our fave line, delivered recently by an extraordinarly dapper old gentleman at a bar who we suspect had pretty much spent the last 68 years refining it. Witness:

OLD HAG: [sitting on stool, turns] Yes?
EDOG: You know, I designed these stools.
OH: Really?
EDOG: Yes, for women like you.
OH: Women like me?
EDOG: You know. With cute bottoms.

We don’t care who you are, NO WAY YOU HAVE A BETTER LINE THAN THAT. (We especially love the DESIGN angle. “I poured the concrete on this sidewalk for women like you!” “Women like me?” “You know. With cute gams.” Etc.) Anyway, hit us with your best. (If you can’t think of anything, put the worst one instead, though intrinsically they’re all worst.) Winner gets free box of brand spankin’ new books, two runner-ups each get book. Contest ends MONDAY THE 19th, 11:59 p.m. EST, not that we care. Enter as many times as you want. And this time, Old Hag readers will choose the winner with our fabulous new polling plugin. Omigod! It’s almost as cute as our cats!

We will leave you with these two videos, mostly because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets, but also because we feel they somehow symbolize the two sides of woman–the cream versus the nuts, if you will. And also, because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets. Men, if you want to know what it’s like to be a girl, hit play at the same time on both!

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*Listen, this is a girly blog, and if we want to talk today about how men are just big annoying raised-in-a-barn animals of the soul, we will. Go bitch about what bitches we are on your own blog. And the next time you call someone to invite them out to dinner and the check comes to literally fifty dollars and you are over the age of 18, omigod just pay it.

** See above

Filed under: in it to win it | Tags: , , , , | Comments (32)