A) It’s called “Family Auto”, seriously and b) we got $50 back

Posted by Lizzie on 04/11/07

We’ll return to books eventually. BUT. Is it good business practice, would you say, to greet the customer with, “I’m in a bad mood….I was up ALL night with this car,” and then tell said customer you’re taking anger management classes because you chased a man through a parking lot and beat him senseless for touching your bike? Fuck you, give me my car. And explain to me what this $399 is for!

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Divest, Young Man! Divest!

Posted by Lizzie on 04/10/07

What day is it again? Okay, this is not a joke. Apparently there was something, or someone, in the fuel tank. Anything is possible at this point. When we reached the mechanic at 4:28 today, he was wrestling the apparatus and its inhabitants to the ground, and claims, circa 4:30 p.m. Tuesday April 10, 2007 A.D., that it will be finished two hours from same. Sure, whatever. Turning, as one does at such times, to questions of spirituality, those of you not in the know should be advised that we here at OHQ have actually had all our worldly belongings in storage since September since leaving Baltimore, currently sublet from a dear friend in NY, and have, we’re slowly realizing, stayed with about 19,845 others just in these last many months like some well-showered version of a vagabond. This perforce losing of the car, our last possession, along with our ability to “steer” our own “course” while drinking from a “travel mug”, is, we are starting to realize, *a sign*, and we would like to say OKAY, WE GET IT, and remind God once again that we CALLED THE AMBULANCE for that GUY for god’s sake and that we have taken all this advice from above to heart and are reading “Eat, Pray, Love” and bought a travel guide and a map and are putting all our stuff up on eBay and taking three months off to travel the world because we have something like 75,000 points on our OnePass and feel free to lay off the heavy symbolism any time now.

UPDATE: Are we jinxing ourselves? Lord, we hope not. As of 11:16 p.m. it is declared fixed. We are declared to bed.

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Monday Morning Updating

Posted by Lizzie on 04/09/07

Sorry for the week-long silence. We were too busy a) figuring out why our car was shaking in that strange way while we drove to Baltimore, b) learning how much Baltimore would charge to make it stop doing so, c) prevailing on a friend to help us find the best rates at Enterprise, d) happening upon an apparently dead man — really! he looked dead! not drunk or anything! — calling the ambulance, being scornfully told by what was apparently the entire Baltimore City fire department he was NOT DEAD, HON, e) finding out at the Enterprise counter our license was expired and that card we had been carrying around was actually a CHANGE OF ADDRESS CARD and not a TEMPORARY LICENSE, for God’s sake, f) learning that it costs only $30 and 2 hours to get a new license in a state where you haven’t lived in half a year, g) driving to West Virginia, e) discussing coal-mining in the 1900s, dining from dollar buffets to Muzak f) buying a strapless bra, g) giving our first toast at a wedding h) eating bacon. SO MUCH BACON! i) depending, unconscionably, on the kindness of strangers and non-strangers pretty much all over the place, lolling around on their spare couches and beds, eating them out of house and home, and j) calculating that we may have paid it back by calling the ambulance for that man on the street. BECAUSE HE REALLY LOOKED DEAD.

1) Congratulations and love, Marshall and Emily!

2) If you did not see it, here’s our latest review in the Times.

UPDATE: Interesting. So, apparently, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE BALTIMORE. The starter engine is dead, and there’s a huge tsunami headed towards the New England coastline if we don’t start cutting energy costs by using fluorescent lighting, or something. On the plus side, this didn’t happen in West Virginia, where it’s still December. People we’re thanking so far, in order of forbearance: Jane, Anton, Margot, Liam, Liz, Aunt Virgie, Shannon, the boys at Enterprise, Liz again. NOT the Swedes, or the people at Stadium Auto. Not until they stop shaking their heads every time we pull up, that is.

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Nyquil Day or Nyquil Night? Is There a New Nyquil Day Dawning, Friends?; Or, Clearly We Just Took Both

Posted by Lizzie on 02/27/07

Old Hag has a bad cold. She’s sorry, but more specifically, really, really cracked out on cold medicine. She will post the results for the contest very soon. P.S. how AWESOME was that contest! Let’s have it every day!

Also, anyone with intel on why visitorship just tripled in the past few days welcome, by the way. Stats, as usual, reveal nothing.

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Free Books, Free Books, Kill Me Now

Posted by Lizzie on 02/14/07

UPDATE: So consumed were we with the vicissitudes of Valentine’s Day, we totally forgot about yet another pack of men who apparently need to be the centers of attention at all timePresidents Day. Therefore, in honor of this week’s trip to D.C., we will leave the polls open until the close of Tuesday. (Related: We are fascinated about how only one man has dared to go down into this comment thread. [How about 'poke around' or 'stick his head i--' oh, whatever. Just tell them there's no way to avoid this one, and to keep their hea--WHATEVER--out of the gutter for FIVE MINUTES, for Christ's sake.--Ed] Are you scared, or have we finally found one topic that prevents you from just blabbing on about yourselves forever and ever ever? Try becoming President; then you get people to blab about you for you.)

die.gifSo, Valentine’s Day. It’s great, right? No it’s great! Fabulous! We love it! We love being single for the first time in, oh, seven or eight years, enjoying the happy ticking of the mid-region. (That clock keeps awesome time.) We love that yesterday, on the phone, we said to our friend, “Omigod, my cats are so cute; you have to meet them!” Yeah, we did! Try it sometime!

Anyway, to add to the general joy, we thought we’d offer a whopping books giveaway and CHALLENGE. We were going to just keep it gold standard and have our challenge be the most annoying thing a man ever did to you, but since the world is pretty much already dedicated to the annoying things men do, we are loath to give over a post to it*. We’ll turn away from the dark side a sec. Your challenge is to tell us:

THE BEST LINE A MAN EVER DROPPED ON YOU EVER

Men, you can totally enter your best/most successful lines too. If a woman dropped a good line on you, feel free, but understand that technically women are just supposed to sit there and look pretty and let you pay for stuff.** If you’re gay, we guess you can enter like 18 times. Heh.

To start things off, we thought we’d offer our fave line, delivered recently by an extraordinarly dapper old gentleman at a bar who we suspect had pretty much spent the last 68 years refining it. Witness:

EXTRAORDINARILY DAPPER OLD GENTLEMAN: Miss. Miss–
OLD HAG: [sitting on stool, turns] Yes?
EDOG: You know, I designed these stools.
OH: Really?
EDOG: Yes, for women like you.
OH: Women like me?
EDOG: You know. With cute bottoms.

We don’t care who you are, NO WAY YOU HAVE A BETTER LINE THAN THAT. (We especially love the DESIGN angle. “I poured the concrete on this sidewalk for women like you!” “Women like me?” “You know. With cute gams.” Etc.) Anyway, hit us with your best. (If you can’t think of anything, put the worst one instead, though intrinsically they’re all worst.) Winner gets free box of brand spankin’ new books, two runner-ups each get book. Contest ends MONDAY THE 19th, 11:59 p.m. EST, not that we care. Enter as many times as you want. And this time, Old Hag readers will choose the winner with our fabulous new polling plugin. Omigod! It’s almost as cute as our cats!

We will leave you with these two videos, mostly because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets, but also because we feel they somehow symbolize the two sides of woman–the cream versus the nuts, if you will. And also, because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets. Men, if you want to know what it’s like to be a girl, hit play at the same time on both!

YouTube Preview Image YouTube Preview Image

*Listen, this is a girly blog, and if we want to talk today about how men are just big annoying raised-in-a-barn animals of the soul, we will. Go bitch about what bitches we are on your own blog. And the next time you call someone to invite them out to dinner and the check comes to literally fifty dollars and you are over the age of 18, omigod just pay it.

** See above

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