Posted by Lizzie on 10/05/05
We are pretty handy with the, uh, metaphors.* However, of late, the meager power of even this simple coin amidst the poverty of our talents** has fallen to the asphalt with a deafening clang. Recently, we had a very unpleasant interaction with a person of some standing** that has prompted umpteenth people to ask, “What happened?” And, though we would usually hit back with a, She was as dumb as Carson Daly with a mouth full of duck tape or a She had the managerial acumen of a salt shaker, we keep coming up with this.
See, we’re okay with the metaphors, but we’re not great with the “Not the (optimal state of thing) (thing) in the (where thing generally resides). But our brain, she wants, she wants! So we try, She’s not the shiniest pair of Saccos at the Nordstrom Rack. She’s not the best-clumping kitty litter at Petland Discount. She’s not the most full-bodied box wine at Trader Joe’s. We’re shooting blanks here, people. We’re cooking our meat without marinade. We’re, ah…hitting “Reply All” to single-addressed emails.
So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to award one free, signed copy of Check-In to the commentor with the best comeback in the “Not the sharpest knife in the drawer” vein. (You can get extra credit for some, “She’s as dumb as…”, but stick to the Prime Directive here.) To give you some actual incentive, we will also award the winner one free poem in which YOUR NAME IS PROMINENTLY FEATURED.**** We will also promise to never, ever read to you aloud.
Hit us with your best expression of distaste in a humorous and unlikely form!
* This is neither an expression of pride nor a double entendre nor an assertion of the primacy of metaphor over good shoes or daily hygiene, just another sad expression of how, in sentence construction, as in life, you gotta work with what you have.
** We will never ever approach the genius of this one: “He’s about as interesting as a rock in a coma wearing a Von Dutch trucker’s hat.” Zach, we can only dream.
*** To paraphrase Wonkette, in Baltimore, this is akin to calling someone “the tallest short person”, but, again, working with what we have over here.
**** Actual results may vary.
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