Old Hag

Suferiority: Why we cannot correct our boyfriends THOUGH WE BE CORRECT

altehaggen — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 16:23:46 +0000

(suh-feer-ee-OR-ih-tee), n.

1. Too insecure to believe one is correct. “Crippled by suferiority, Anne could not tell her date that Warren Beatty was, in fact, in ‘Splendor in the Grass.’” See also: Discurse(to wince at others’ errors).

Latest That Should Be A Word!

Grossest #thatshouldbeaword YET

altehaggen — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 19:50:34 +0000

SH-pits, n.v.1. To clean a child’s face with one’s own saliva. See also: Licktim (the child thus cleaned); Spaternity (to claim one’s adult child for cleaning).

Latest That Should Be a Word. And grossest. And one I was born to do.

I have no car, but remain an inveterate sharker. Latest #thatshouldbeaword

altehaggen — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 00:59:27 +0000

HAR-buh-rate-er, n. One seeking a parking space. “The Ikea lot is always slammed with harbouretors.” See also: pedator (one who asks strollers if they are leaving); shark (to circle the lot).

Latest “That Should Be a Word”!

That Should Be a Word | Old Hag

altehaggen — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 13:23:54 +0000

That Should Be a Word (The New York Times Magazine)
Click for entire list and links of Smalumns. And call them Sniglets if you must, but you’re dating yourself, friend!

As someone who is bad at this, I am bound to do it forever

altehaggen — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:16:22 +0000

skin-JEK-cher, n., v.1. To speculate about the plastic surgeries someone has had. “Viewers enjoy a fresh round of skinjecture during each new season of ‘Real Housewives of New York.’ ” Also: iconoplast (one who chooses to age naturally); donion (too many procedures).

Latest “That Should Be a Word” at NYT mag!

Christopher Hitchens — R.I.P. Most ASSUREDLY not a Celebrate. #thatshouldbeaword

altehaggen — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 17:39:24 +0000

ce-le-bra-cy (suh-leh-bru-see) n.

1. To maintain fame by abstaining from anything of import. “Kim Kardashian has been practicing celebracy since the debut of her blockbuster show, ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians.’ ” See also: break-up artist (holds limelight by love life).

Latest That Should Be A Word.

Father comments he and mother should get credit for this, and that he likes Whole Food bags best. Done!

altehaggen — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:17:03 +0000

Bagri-cul-ture, n.1. The practice of saving shopping bags. “David, a frequent customer at Whole Foods, is an avid bagriculturist.” See also: Baggarts those proud to cultivate bags; Folding cell the subsink area where bags are held.

Latest at NYTmag!

I will just NEVER be the lead for this feature, will I? #never

altehaggen — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:11:48 +0000

Car-si-mo-ni-ous, adj. To gravitate toward smaller vehicles. See also: Tanktimony to find virtue in low mileage; Gastringent to require a specific limit of miles per gallon.

My latest from NYT magazine!

Discussions WITH children on items such as what happens when you plunge your arm in lava or whether a meteor or a jaguar is faster are always welcome, of course

altehaggen — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:19:47 +0000

Brattle, v., n.

1. To discuss one’s children, often at length. “Anne hid in the basement to avoid the cocktail brattle.” See also: spamily (Facebook or Twitter updates about kids); spawntourage (a group of approaching strollers).

Latest That Should Be a Word. Of course I would like to emphasize that my friends have never done this, never never never.

Please also see Maud Newton‘s wonderful treatisette on crows, as well as all other excellent featurelles. (Greatest challenge of this job will be finding new words for “mini-column”, methinks.)

Update! Fellow contributor Gaby Dunn (on Twitter here) comes to the rescue with “Smallumns.”

This word was in service to a friend to whom this is ALWAYS CONSPICUOUSLY DONE

altehaggen — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:08:11 +0000

And done deliberately.

De-ni-greet, v.

1. To deliberately pretend to have never met someone. “After her promotion, Lisa made a point to denigreet Tom at the meeting.” 2. To insult by introducing incorrectly to others. See also: hurtsy, himiliate.

Student just tweaked this into an imperative. “Stop clogin’, dawg!” DONE.

altehaggen — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 23:31:01 +0000

Clo-gin, n.

1. One who blocks an entrance or exit while checking a smartphone. “A crowd of clogins at the 72nd Street station made Anna miss her train.” See also: mailingerers (those who pretend to have messages); e-ander (to walk slowly while checking one’s messages); sentropy (the tendency to come to a stop to see if a message has been sent).

Latest “That Should Be a Word.” Obvi.

Either that, or it truly has something to do with so many bagel “shmears” as a child of the Jewish diaspora

altehaggen — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 20:29:53 +0000

(smearch), v., n.

1. To Google someone in hopes of finding bad news about him or her. 2. A Web session seeking damning information. “Repeated smearches yielded the picture of Representative Chris Lee’s shirtless physique, which led to his resignation.” See also: Freudenstalke (to take pleasure in negative findings). Also: misfortune hunters.

I am smearching. I was going to say this wasn’t as dirty as it sounds, but I’ve decided it is.

State of Wonder – The Barnes & Noble Review

altehaggen — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 17:32:10 +0000

State of Wonder (Barnes & Noble Review, 6/14/2011)
If the greatest compliment you can give an author is to ask if her book is “really true,” then our digital era’s version may be to skip the author entirely and go straight to Google to separate fact from fiction.

Bethenny Frankel: From Housewives Star to Thriving Mogul – TIME

altehaggen — Tue, 10 May 2011 03:04:03 +0000

Self Sells: Bethenny Frankel: From Housewives Star to Thriving Mogul (Time, 5/9/2011)
Vulgar, vulnerable, wise and neurotic, Bethenny Frankel, Bravo’s last-minute addition to its blockbuster series The Real Housewives of New York City, was a poor mans Housewife from the first. Not a wife (single Frankel was expanding her catering business) nor a homeowner (she rented her Upper East Side one-bedroom), she weathered patronizing barbs from older, wealthier castmates for these and other deficiencies with a captivating mix of insouciance and insecurity.

Free copy if you can name this view

altehaggen — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 23:43:11 +0000

No one could argue that the Garden State doesn’t command its healthy share of literature. From William Carlos Williams’s terse dispatches on Paterson to Leroi Jones’s ragged rages to Philip Roth’s rosy 1950s Newark to Judy Blume’s Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, that zig-zag outcrop, an afterthought between the mid-Atlantic and New England, wields in literature the same outsized power it does in life—a crucial density that belies its actual size.

I adored, adored, adored When Tito Loved Clara, and not only because I was raised and lived in Jersey, though I appreciated the attention. Then I suggested people Kindle it because *I* wasn’t paying attention to my VENUE. So Nook it, or buy it in hardcover, AS WELL.

When Tito Loved Clara – The Barnes & Noble Review

altehaggen — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 22:58:10 +0000

When Tito Loved Clara (The Barnes & Noble Review, 4/25/2011)
If Jersey has its rightful place, it doesnt mean it gets righteous treatment. Like the one-liners that plague weary residents—”New Joisey?” “Which exit?”—the state, thematically speaking, is hopelessly circumscribed. Sam Lipsyte’s losers hole up in childhood bedrooms; Tom Perotta’s freshmen, now in college, gloom about hometown mistakes; chick-lit mothers dream of escape. TV dwells gustily on the region’s putative violence: Tony Soprano making hits in his tinted SUV; double-muscled, punch-happy “Jersey Shore”-ers; “Real Housewives” who pull out each other’s extensions and flip tables on a dime.

Wow, so Twitter and FB really cut into your blogging time

altehaggen — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 04:59:14 +0000

UPDATES on some things that are HAPPENING:

My essay on that girl in that book is forthcoming in May’s The Tattooed Girl: The Enigma of Stieg Larsson. (And I don’t even LIKE IKEA!)
My story “Spectacle Pond” is featured in June’s Cape Cod Noir, from Akashic Books. (I DO LOVE CAPE COD.)
I am in Mary Murphy’s marvelous upcoming documentary “Hey, Boo,” about Harper Lee and To Kill A Mockingbird, with OPRAH. (Liking beside the point.) Opens in NY May 13 — here are playdates, plus it’s at the Paley Center on May 18th. (You can also buy the book.)

AND some recent work you may have missed. (PLEASE “LIKE” IT because I am now really mesmerized by the upticks on those FB thingers. And yes, “liking” not the point.)

On the terrifying new trend of BABY GENDER SEX CAKE REVEAL PARTIES, on THE AWL
On Kate Atkinson’s merveilleuse STARTED EARLY, TOOK MY DOG, in TIME
….and on Lois Duncan’s MASSIVE SET OF TERROR REISSUES, in BOOKFORUM

Let Them Eat Baby! The Terrifying New Practice Of The Cake Gender Reveal | The Awl

altehaggen — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 03:13:37 +0000

Let Them Eat Baby! The Terrifying New Practice Of The Cake Gender Reveal (The Awl, 4/15/2011)
Immediately after my mother gave birth to my brother, the legend goes, she demanded three things of my father: a crate of avocados, a six-pack of beer and an entire chocolate cake, which last she devoured entirely, bed-bound, before moving on the rest. I believe and like this baby story, because it involves beer, and chocolate cake, two things that have historically gone great with baby. Until now.

Death Becomes Her – TIME

altehaggen — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 03:36:46 +0000

Death Becomes Her (Time, 3/28/2011)
Calling a mystery novel a literary one is increasingly being taken as a shot by both camps. But that is the conundrum facing the dedicated fan of Kate Atkinson, whose Started Early, Took My Dog, the fourth in her gumshoe Jackson Brodie series, turns prostitution, the poems of Emily Dickinson, England’s crisis of shoplifting and snippets from The Tempest into something rich — and deeply strange.

The Force Is With Her: Natalie Portman’s Runway Week

altehaggen — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 03:52:26 +0000

The Force Is With Her: Natalie Portman’s Runway Week (Politics Daily, 3/16/2011)
Say what you will for hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway, 2011′s Oscars were a big night for sperm. Not only did the justly feted “The Kids Are All Right” introduce audiences to the concept of the hot donor daddy, but Natalie Portman, after praising her agents, parents, and even her costumiers, wound up her speech by thanking her baby daddy straight out for the good stuff: “. . . and to my beautiful love, Benjamin Millepied, who not only choreographed my role, but has now given me my greatest role in life.”