Don’t thank us, just…UMBRELLA@! HAT! FIVE!

Posted by Lizzie on 01/30/06

It’s true that we haven’t been blogging worth a Denton’s Dam. On the other hand, we are about to bestow upon you the means by which you may happily occupy the rest of your days on this earth. Here. [Thanks, Linda!]

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That kid’s off to a rough start

Posted by Lizzie on 01/01/06

Heard moments ago on New York’s 1010 WINS (“You give us 22 minutes, we’ll give you the world”):

New York’s first baby came in at 12:05, but was beaten twice in New Jersey.

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We’re going to leave the heavy lifting on this one to T-Muffle

Posted by Lizzie on 12/19/05

Raise your hand if you know which extra the New York Times saw fit to insert in an article about a young boy who, unbeknownst to his parents, began selling lurid shots and videos of himself by webcam to predators online:

a) The boy’s contact information.
b) A pricing sheet.
c) An online video interview featuring shots of said boy in wifebeater with a caption reading “Hint: Right-Click, Save Target As, Baby!”

P.S. A friend requested that we blog about this article, but we started to hear a great, heated whistling in our head as our eyes slowly burned out of their sockets. Perhaps one of those black or gay people sitting “literally…against the wall or a few chairs away from the insiders” can find a moment to slip upstairs and do some blogging for us — that is,when they’re done with the dishes.

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Bkhrb Wrlnghk, a vowel called. HE WOULD LIKE YOU TO BUY ONE

Posted by Lizzie on 11/20/05

We just have to point out that this is the funniest email we have ever received:

As the webmaster for Zolen Calo’s novels, I found you during a search for
websites that complement the themes of Zolen’s fiction. I saw that your site
was trustworthy, linguistically clever, and regularly visited — according to my
Google review of sites related to personal and social alienation. Because of
the interests you and Zolen apparently share, he asked that I add your site to
his sharing page. This I have done effective today.

You can view your connection at www.zolencalonovels.com/pendinglinks.htm under the category of alientation and disconnectedness.

Zolen would hope for you to connect your website to his in return. The address
is [redacted].

I know it is sometimes difficult to get around to uploading edits to like-minded
sites, so I intend to maintain your link from Zolen until May 1, 2006 even if
you don’t get back to him.

When your link is confirmed, it may be lifted from its current page to the
Argentum Page where it might better build the interest of our readers through
our expression of artistic fraternity. In the meantime, thank you for sharing
with Zolen in the great world of ideas. Bkhrb Wrlnghk, Webmaster

Do you think if we tell our psychiatrist that even Google now recognizes our personal and social alienation, he will give us the good drugs?

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With You I’m Nothing

Posted by Lizzie on 11/18/05


My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Not that we didn’t already know this, but way to rub it in, Tristan. [via Beatrice]*

* Don’t get your panties in a twist — since blogs we abandoned long ago still seem to be worth SOMETHING, we’re assuming that the applet doesn’t recognize “the” or something. (We should have gone with “yea, verily, le” instead.) Still, this should serve as a reminder to some of you to update your bookmarks, if only so we can garner a few scant crumbs of ego while wasting time on the arbiters of blog hottitude. We switched addresses three times in one year, people. Haven’t we lost enough already?

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And…go fuck yourself. Just a thought.

Posted by Lizzie on 11/17/05

We’re sorry we’ve been so lame on the blog lately, but this is mainly because we have been forced to embark on the harrowing search for a new apartment. Well, actually, in Baltimore, it’s not so harrowing. While in other cities apartments fly off the market like so many…things that fly quickly off things, the housing market in Baltimore in mid-November is roiling at approximately the rate of a bowl of pea soup left for two hours on the kitchen table. Which makes the following exchange so bizarro.

—–Original Message—–
From: [Redacted]
To: ESkurnick
Cc: [Redacted]
Sent: Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:56:53 -0500
Subject: Apt.

Dear Lizzy,

Nice to meet you yesterday. I have had an opportunity to speak with some of the other owners, and we are prepared to have the apartment painted for you on the condition that you sign a two year lease. Although we have not gotten written estimates, we believe it may cost more than $1000 to paint, which is both an investment in the property, and in keeping happy tenants.

The former owner indicated to me that if you turn your heat down during the day while you are at work (it is electric baseboard), you should expect utilities in the neighborhood of $100/month. As I have told you, we just purchased the property last week, so I really don’t know any more than that. The former owner did suggest that new tenants contact BGE and calculate a 12 month history, and get on budget billing. Just a thought.

Thanks in advance for getting back to me at your earliest convenience. I have shown the apt. to a few other interested folks, but you saw it first, so I will give you the opportunity to get back to me before contacting them.

I don’t think you told me if you are interested in moving in Dec. 1? Will need to know to arrange the painters.

Best regards,

[Redacted]

Another thing you should know: This particular apartment was going for $1250. We know: All of you New Yorkers have immediately decided it’s time to move to Baltimore. To be fair, it was a two-bedroom apartment with twenty-foot ceiling, person-sized bay windows, and French doors. BUT IT HAD NOT BEEN PAINTED IN 12 YEARS, IT WAS PLUS HEAT AND HOT WATER, AND THE KITCHEN WAS CIRCA 1940. Usually $1250 in Baltimore, will, as Fran Lebowitz once commented, get you the Winter Palace, fully furnished. Or you know, at least, a whole HOUSE.

So, though we are constitutionally opposed to responding via email how we would ACTUALLY LIKE TO RESPOND, we sent this:

Dear [Redacted],

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no, though — if you want a two-year lease to paint the apartment, I’m terrified of what you’ll need if the refrigerator breaks.

All best,
Lizzie

We await our karmic retribution.

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Want a better analogy?

Posted by Lizzie on

Before we get into this, we have to explain that we have AOL. We do not have AOL because we still refer to the “World Wide Web” by its full name or get misty at the memory of that screechy connection sound, but merely because we once wrote for the defunct Time Digital and they died before they paid us but our editor gave us a free media account first. ($30/months times 9 years equals…what? Twelve billion dollars?) Anyway, the point is, we logged onto our webmail this morning and saw this.

This server runs software that has not yet been deployed to a broader AOL internal or external community—it is used by members of the product development team to access their own production accounts. “Eating our own dog food” ensures that we live with the software before any one else tries to use it; this is a critical step in our software certification process.

Philosophers can disagree about whether or not one’s dog’s food is actually one’s “own”, but we think there’s a deeper problem. Either someone was trying to do the family-friendly version of “shitting where we eat” and got very confused, or, WE, AOL USERS, ARE THE DOGS.

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We believe men have already outsourced this feature successfully

Posted by Lizzie on 10/07/05

Why stop at pre-made meals for the fam? We know a bazillion women who’d kick $200 to have the sperm and a turkey baster at the counter too.

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Six Words: Paris Hilton Video, Double-Dare You

Posted by Lizzie on 09/29/05

The Bush Administration needs to hire this guy to deal with the Katrina footage, STAT. [Via the lovely Lindsayism.]

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Depressive and Passive Agressive Like Me

Posted by Lizzie on

Speaking of cultural segregation, California has developed ethnically sensitive psychiatric wards. Now, if they could just develop sensitive psychiatrists, we would be happy. Ba-dump bump.

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Hanging out half-naked in three feet of dirty water….

Posted by Lizzie on 09/27/05

It’s not just for black folks anymore!

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Amusements

Posted by Lizzie on 07/19/05

As we depart, we just want to make sure you caught these things the first (or eighteenth; we have no attention span) time around:

1. Enter the Zogg.
2. Fear the Epic.
3. Mock the salad.
4. Get Engraveyarded.

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Calling all those who still know what cosine is

Posted by Lizzie on 07/14/05

Just so the BOOG does not have to spend yet another hour spooling through Perl or hurling mystical incantations at our motherboard (or, to be more accurate, ashing all over it), can any of you technical people come to our rescue? Our hosting service is dropping Neomail, which we use, and which does not allow one to export one’s address book, because apparently it hasn’t been updated since Gimme A Break! was on the air. (For you young folks, that was the star vehicle for Nell Carter, who’s dead now, in what will hopefully be the last T.V. incarnation of the sassy, sexless Mammy, Carson Kressley notwithstanding.) Anyway, any ideas? We don’t want to send an email to the whole address book asking them to write us back — because, as you know, no one likes us, and no one will — and we certainly don’t want to go to Source Forge. That Torsten guy is a joke. A joke! There must be a way to handle this, but we are too drunk to think of it. Or we’re too busy getting drunk, we forget. Anyway, all suggestions suffered with tactful restraint.

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Fast on the heels of the platinum “But Walls Taste Good”

Posted by Lizzie on 07/12/05

I don’t know, but that’s the name of my next album.

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If we women could only bottle this…we would be as sweaty and as stinky, too

Posted by Lizzie on 07/08/05

The BOOG just came back from the gym, turned to me, and said: “I’m so strong, I’m so thin — you CANNOT imagine.”

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And we do mean “Moron”

Posted by Lizzie on 05/25/05

OXY…MORON…OVERLOAD.

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It’s time to start talking about how democrats are great in bed again

Posted by Lizzie on 05/20/05

For example, he cited a study testing stereotype threat among white engineering students. When the white students took a test after being told that Asians typically outperformed whites on that test, the whites performed significantly worse than they would have otherwise.

You just have to wonder how the monitor sets up that question. Is it a long explanation at the beginning about the various strata and their success rates, or more of a, “Pencils up! You suck compared to those Asians! You have 30 minutes….begin” kind of thing?

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At least now I know why God took it away

Posted by Lizzie on 04/29/05

Dear Oldhag,

Home Land! Home . . . Land! For Pete’s sake, you wrote the review!

Toodles,
[Redacted]

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Our future company in Hell

Posted by Lizzie on 04/21/05

WORST LESBIAN PORN EVER. [Courtesy of Carrie]

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Also, people who wrote villanelles about crying on MetroNorth can’t throw stones

Posted by Lizzie on 04/17/05

A friend sent us this and asked us to blog about it, but we really can’t improve on her “WTF? Please blog about this. Please. If I knew that I could have gotten published this easily in the Times I woulda just sent ‘em last year’s journals. JFC. Love [Our Friend].”

UPDATE: Ms. Grose’s article is solely about her breakup with her boyfriend. Her twist is that she cries non-stop on public transportation. If you go through a painful break-up in New York and have to move out of the apartment you shared with the ex-partner in question, you will probably cry in public. [Thanks, Anonymous!]

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