“How many girls here slept with Howard Hughes?” “I did” “I did”

Posted by Lizzie on 02/19/11

Just for your information: I don’t need children, husbands or fine jewelry. All I need to know is that when I am 39 and holding, pals Dionne Warwick, Shelley Winters, Teri Garr, Terry Moore, Teena Marie and some unidentified man will come join me on my pink plush set to film my exercise video.
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This Week in Uncompensated Media Appearances: Or, Drunk on America

Posted by Lizzie on 07/30/10

So, that thing happened.*

It’s not unusual for me to round up, every week or so, whatever pale fire I have managed to effuse into the surrounding atmosphere in the interval, but as the young ones say, this shit was crazy, yo! Especially since it was surrounded by six-hundred other randomers. (Ask astrologer if Saturn something?) Anyway, I am an anal archivist kind of person, so must organize and list despite breadth of reach. Some of this is merely incidental and no need to be interested unless you are. However, at the end, there is something very, very funny.

1. At this year’s Book Expo America, I, Libba Bray, and other teensperts talked about YA and adult crossover lit. BEA just posted the panel. (For the fidgety, at around 7:00, I and the audience of librarians crack up about teacher/student sex. 6:54, just about.)

2. My good friend Dana Stevens and I spoiled Salt over at Slate. (Say that three times fast!) We spoiled Eclipse a little while ago. In both locations you will also find Dana’s wonderful reviews.

3. The tireless #seriouslyhowdoesshedoit blogger Booking Mama published a very nice review of Scout, Atticus and Boo, a tribute to Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, for which documentary filmmaker Mary McDonagh Murphy interviewed luminaries such as Dan Rather, Oprah Winfrey and — *cackles delightedly cuz decidedly non-luminary* — me! Please check out McDonagh Murphy’s site for some interesting clips/links and to pre-order DVD, god help me.

4. I weigh in on The San Diego Union-Tribune‘s axing its book section.

5. I wax on the internet courage of Jennifer Weiner.

6. I know, I’m stalling. But okay, so THAT WAS CRAZY, RIGHT? I was just meeting my monthly quota! Anyway, I list !!!!!THE SCANDAL!!!!!! here mainly to give thanks for our nation’s commenters, who have lost me two entire days of work but are SO FUNNY I CAN’T STAND IT, as well as insightful and wise and all those things people meeting monthly quotas can only vaguely hope to be, one day. I hope the people running the internet make sure they archive comments? Whispering mean things while someone else is speaking is always the better part of valor.

I’m going to link to some places I thought were ESPECIALLY FUNNY because they are just good readin’, period, but I actually appreciated all of you who weighed in because I live in a basement apartment, and the light in here is bad, and 100K+ views of this nature is as good as it’s going to get.

a) People of Twitter! Thank you for reading, as well as hashtag #BUSINESS.

b) People of Awl! How can I resist such Catskills gems? AND SUB-GEMS?

c) People of Unfogged! You are very funny. Like, IRL, though I guess this is not IRL, is it, ha ha! Who are you? I’m so intimidated by you! WHY DON’T I KNOW YOU ALREADY. (Appending “On America” to any terminal adjective that takes an “on” is my new “…in bed.” “Drunk” is probably the only one, but I’m sure it’ll get lots of use!)

d) People of Shakesville! So many, many portmanteaus for “douche.” I’d forgotten! #thankyou #DOUCHECANOE

e) BEAUTIES of Jezebel! You are often/always hilarious but this was sort of above and beyond. Too many to count but this parody of the CEFAD in question might deserve a company car:

“The fourth time I read it out loud in a shouty faux-Shakespearian voice, and was interrupted by my next door neighbor who felt I was disturbing her barking chihuahua. The fifth and sixth times were mostly taken up with an effort to find a DaVinci code hidden in the text, by reading only every second word, and then every third… then the seventh time I read it in character as a space-lord from a neighboring galaxy. The ninth time I was huddled in a corner of my bathroom sobbing into a disused hand towel chosen by my ex-wife ten years ago, before my life was destroyed.
“And then on the tenth time I vomited and decided to write you back, you lucky lucky girl. Now let me tell you everything that is wrong with you.”

f) The signifying Tweet! This was not funny, actually.

* I would last here like to wish congratulations to the broom and gride in question. I’m doing it in teeny teeny type because enough already. But the internet is happy for you. We hope you are drunk…on America.

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Also, have no land line. Help! How did people do it in 1897

Posted by Lizzie on 06/09/07

UPDATE: Procured phone; thank you Shannon, family, Verizon lady.

Yesterday, jacked up car*, then spilled beet juice on phone and killed it. The last time I went to Europe, before departed, totaled car and was mugged, so…progress*.

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Just a quick note of thanks….

Posted by Lizzie on 02/09/07

….to the passengers of the uptown bound F train at the 47-50 station yesterday at 7:32 p.m., who:

1. Literally held open the doors from crushing us for like EIGHT MINUTES despite the conductor’s attempt to do so;

2. Grabbed our bag and pushed it back from the doors so we wouldn’t be dragged to the next station in a trail of imitation leather, and;

c. With quick great alacrity and skill, threw! our! phone! that! fell! to! us! through! the! closing! doors! before the train could pull away.

Seriously, THAT GUY. Omigod, do we owe you! Feel free to get in touch for one free cell phone or any other prize of your suggestion! And to that guy who just looked at us like, Dude, WHAT the eff is wrong with you, we can respond only that–as a character in the show we were on our way to see commented–if we knew, we would have it fixed.*

* Yes, we saw Follies! Did you see us? We were the one who was not a gay man, middle-aged season subscriber, overly be-makeuped theatre major, or any combination thereof.

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We’re especially sad to lose “Explain a search with WTF”

Posted by Lizzie on 02/06/07

You know, for about half a second we had the exquisite joy of believing that Technorati had truly evolved a special feature not only to aggregate and celebrate all posts tagged WTF, but to allow people to append long screeds detailing the precise nature of the wtf-age. Oh, well.

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Posted by Lizzie on 01/24/07

Sacrilege. [Via Galleycat]

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Children of the Zune

Posted by Lizzie on 12/18/06

After Niki, Ms. Roizen’s daughter, became proficient at World of Warcraft, her mother took her to visit Perpetual Entertainment, a game company in San Francisco she had invested in. Niki had some criticisms of the company’s game, a role-playing epic called Gods and Heroes, telling its developers that it seemed unpolished and choppy. The game makers, taking advice from Niki and others, improved the product by the time she visited again. “When she picked me up, she said, ‘Did you like it? Was it more fun?’ And I said yes, the whole car ride home,” Niki said.

We could not remember why this Times article about exploitingasking your kids for investment advice on digi-gadgets sounded so creepily familiar. Then we did:

As for the nursery, thought George Hadley, it won’t hurt for the children to be locked out of it awhile. Too much of anything isn’t good foranyone. And it was clearly indicated that the children had been spending a little too much time on Africa. That sun. He could feel it on his neck, still, like a hot paw. And the lions. And the smell of blood. Remarkable how the nursery caught the telepathic emanations of the children’s minds and created life to fill their every desire. The children thought lions, and there were lions. The children thought zebras, and there were zebras. Sun -sun. Giraffes – giraffes. Death and death.

We’ll await the inevitable, "I Fed My Parents to World of Warcraft, and All I Got Was This Lousy Portfolio" tee.

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What’s Black & White and Lies All Over?

Posted by Lizzie on 12/08/06

The Times upped the ante on its excessive and longtime pandering to minorities today, asking readers to accept the ludicrous assertion that there are, of all things, black people in Boston. Witness:

“the monument honoring the 54th Massachusetts Regiment of Civil War fame”


Whites took an unprecedented volley of hits straining credulity, including the assertions that they chase bottles of detergent and alcohol in place of foxes, cannot manage hedge funds without a book subtitled “For Dummies“, and combine poor spatial assessment with fashion choices.

What’s next, liberal media? A section entitled “Lies & Style”? Why, maybe in tomorrow’s edition you’d like to suggest Bush isn’t winning the war in Iraq!


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Pencils up

Posted by Lizzie on

Humorphobe Rachel Sklar’s apparent inability to grasp the comedy gold sprinkled like so much elemental pollen on all that Hitchens’ wand touches pains us, so much so that we contacted to the master to ask for a step by step clarification of one of his most side-splitting sallies:

I am talking about that real, out-loud, head-back, mouth-open-to-expose-the-full-horseshoe-of-lovely-teeth, involuntary, full, and deep-throated mirth; the kind that is accompanied by a shocked surprise and a slight (no, make that a loud) peal of delight—well, then, you have at least caused her to loosen up and to change her expression. I shall not elaborate further.

Get your notebook out, Sklar:




We’d hit that! Am I right? Am I right?

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Did you check if you said “Off the Record”?

Posted by Lizzie on 12/07/06

David Rosenthal, the publisher of Simon & Schuster, dismissed Mr. Stein’s claims. “We’re confident in his work,” Mr. Rosenthal said of Mr. Carter. “Do we check every line in every book? No, but that’s not the issue here. I have no reason to doubt President Carter’s research.”

Things Simon & Schuster did do:

1. Decide trim size;
2. Choose dingbats for headers;
3. Resolve the debate on centered, justified folios.

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More like “first base” mirth than “deep-throated mirth”, but call us anyway

Posted by Lizzie on

Why, this is the funniest thing we have read in years. [Via Maudie]

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They say the parent eventually becomes the child, but this is ridiculous

Posted by Lizzie on 12/06/06

FOOG (Father of Old Hag) just wrote us an email comprised entirely of the word whatever.

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Bon AppetEat me

Posted by Lizzie on 12/04/06

Some ways French women actually might get fat:

1. Observe lack of apple-distinguishing powers in American children so keenly, distractedly consume several MacDonald’s apple pies;

2. Cannot stave off massive nose growth after writing the phrase, “I try not to take myself too seriously”;

3. Extol pleasures of the firm, sweet and ruddy-cheeked; eat small French child;

4. Must accommodate insistence on appending French translations to all English words, even though Americans have pretty much been up to speed on the “sauce=coulis” thing for centuries;

5. Double in size from excessive self-satisfaction, regard.

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We’re SORRY!

Posted by Lizzie on 11/15/06

We know, we know, we promised a kitty-free blog. Sorry. [thanks a ton, ADAM]

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In our tradition of providing you with useless content until it stops being so hot…

Posted by Lizzie on 07/12/06

Zidane. We got 16 after 3 tries. Apparently we don’t like people talking about our mothers either.

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Talk about earbud

Posted by Lizzie on 07/06/06

This sounds SO MUCH like one of our friend Lindsday‘s Highdeas*, we’re surprised we’re not getting a contact hit off of our monitor. (Speaking of which, where is the collected edition of these?) Nonetheless, anything for Tracy. Let the buzz begin!

* Speaking of which, non-stoned, as ever, we thought of the best Highdea in the bathroom, then immediately forgot it. What’s a good word for a person who’s reached an age such that her brain-cell loss equals that of a 23-year-old stoner? Bong in the tooth? Anyone?

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But now that I think of it, he was rather attracted to my old pair of spangled cowboy boots from my cheerleading days

Posted by Lizzie on 03/08/06

“I had no suspicions whatsoever. He’s very masculine looking. It’s not like he had Barbra Streisand or show tunes on.”

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You Tube

Posted by Lizzie on 03/02/06

We do love our PC, and we are still in CDs and records. (Sorry; but we have a whole fucking stereo for them and everything! Boy. We just realized one day “stereo” is going to sound like “pneumatic tubes”.) Anyway, this is Hysterical Version 1.0. [via Consumerist, which we should read more.]

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You know what else would be cool? Some system in which the government would use our tax money for medicine so we could get a prescription for a pill that, when dropped in oil, produced a grilled-cheese sandwich. Get on it.

Posted by Lizzie on 02/22/06

So, this morning we woke up bitterly at the crack of 8 (*ironic*) as usual, once again marveling jealously over our friend who used to happily get up at 6:30 to walk her dog, our father’s need for about four hours of snoozing, and the woman who once LITERALLY dragged us into the office at 8:30 to fire us.* (Seriously–HAVE YOU HEARD OF A POST-IT.) Anyway, for this first time it occured to us how cool it would be to have a pill** that allowed the less easily sleep-refreshed*** among us to experience what it is to not take our waking slow. WELL. Just in on BBC radio: the sleeptracker. If someone would only buy it for us and have it shipped immediately, that would cement our suspicion that we are some sort of demi-god.

* equalled only by the boss who, after a three-month campaign of enthusiastic non-communication, was so pleased with its lack of success that in order to continue denying us “feedback” dragged an HR lady briefly into our meeting to fire us, then said, “Do you have anything you’d like to say?” and when we said, “Well–” cut us off and said, “I don’t think we need to get into a he said-she said,” especially poignant as we were all, to our knowledge, female.
** not speed
*** lazy ass

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We don’t know–we made $40 today

Posted by Lizzie on 02/17/06

The new face of Sucking The Fun Out of Life.

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