This Week in Uncompensated Media Appearances: Or, Drunk on America

Posted by Lizzie on 07/30/10

So, that thing happened.*

It’s not unusual for me to round up, every week or so, whatever pale fire I have managed to effuse into the surrounding atmosphere in the interval, but as the young ones say, this shit was crazy, yo! Especially since it was surrounded by six-hundred other randomers. (Ask astrologer if Saturn something?) Anyway, I am an anal archivist kind of person, so must organize and list despite breadth of reach. Some of this is merely incidental and no need to be interested unless you are. However, at the end, there is something very, very funny.

1. At this year’s Book Expo America, I, Libba Bray, and other teensperts talked about YA and adult crossover lit. BEA just posted the panel. (For the fidgety, at around 7:00, I and the audience of librarians crack up about teacher/student sex. 6:54, just about.)

2. My good friend Dana Stevens and I spoiled Salt over at Slate. (Say that three times fast!) We spoiled Eclipse a little while ago. In both locations you will also find Dana’s wonderful reviews.

3. The tireless #seriouslyhowdoesshedoit blogger Booking Mama published a very nice review of Scout, Atticus and Boo, a tribute to Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, for which documentary filmmaker Mary McDonagh Murphy interviewed luminaries such as Dan Rather, Oprah Winfrey and — *cackles delightedly cuz decidedly non-luminary* — me! Please check out McDonagh Murphy’s site for some interesting clips/links and to pre-order DVD, god help me.

4. I weigh in on The San Diego Union-Tribune‘s axing its book section.

5. I wax on the internet courage of Jennifer Weiner.

6. I know, I’m stalling. But okay, so THAT WAS CRAZY, RIGHT? I was just meeting my monthly quota! Anyway, I list !!!!!THE SCANDAL!!!!!! here mainly to give thanks for our nation’s commenters, who have lost me two entire days of work but are SO FUNNY I CAN’T STAND IT, as well as insightful and wise and all those things people meeting monthly quotas can only vaguely hope to be, one day. I hope the people running the internet make sure they archive comments? Whispering mean things while someone else is speaking is always the better part of valor.

I’m going to link to some places I thought were ESPECIALLY FUNNY because they are just good readin’, period, but I actually appreciated all of you who weighed in because I live in a basement apartment, and the light in here is bad, and 100K+ views of this nature is as good as it’s going to get.

a) People of Twitter! Thank you for reading, as well as hashtag #BUSINESS.

b) People of Awl! How can I resist such Catskills gems? AND SUB-GEMS?

c) People of Unfogged! You are very funny. Like, IRL, though I guess this is not IRL, is it, ha ha! Who are you? I’m so intimidated by you! WHY DON’T I KNOW YOU ALREADY. (Appending “On America” to any terminal adjective that takes an “on” is my new “…in bed.” “Drunk” is probably the only one, but I’m sure it’ll get lots of use!)

d) People of Shakesville! So many, many portmanteaus for “douche.” I’d forgotten! #thankyou #DOUCHECANOE

e) BEAUTIES of Jezebel! You are often/always hilarious but this was sort of above and beyond. Too many to count but this parody of the CEFAD in question might deserve a company car:

“The fourth time I read it out loud in a shouty faux-Shakespearian voice, and was interrupted by my next door neighbor who felt I was disturbing her barking chihuahua. The fifth and sixth times were mostly taken up with an effort to find a DaVinci code hidden in the text, by reading only every second word, and then every third… then the seventh time I read it in character as a space-lord from a neighboring galaxy. The ninth time I was huddled in a corner of my bathroom sobbing into a disused hand towel chosen by my ex-wife ten years ago, before my life was destroyed.
“And then on the tenth time I vomited and decided to write you back, you lucky lucky girl. Now let me tell you everything that is wrong with you.”

f) The signifying Tweet! This was not funny, actually.

* I would last here like to wish congratulations to the broom and gride in question. I’m doing it in teeny teeny type because enough already. But the internet is happy for you. We hope you are drunk…on America.

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May the best challenge to the ruling win

Posted by Lizzie on 04/19/07

On a dark day, the only joy is the revelation of….The Holy Trinity!

P.S., no ghoulish associations intended, seriously. Longtime readers will recognize the obsession from here and here. You know what? For old times’ sake:

YouTube Preview Image

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Children of the Zune

Posted by Lizzie on 12/18/06

After Niki, Ms. Roizen’s daughter, became proficient at World of Warcraft, her mother took her to visit Perpetual Entertainment, a game company in San Francisco she had invested in. Niki had some criticisms of the company’s game, a role-playing epic called Gods and Heroes, telling its developers that it seemed unpolished and choppy. The game makers, taking advice from Niki and others, improved the product by the time she visited again. “When she picked me up, she said, ‘Did you like it? Was it more fun?’ And I said yes, the whole car ride home,” Niki said.

We could not remember why this Times article about exploitingasking your kids for investment advice on digi-gadgets sounded so creepily familiar. Then we did:

As for the nursery, thought George Hadley, it won’t hurt for the children to be locked out of it awhile. Too much of anything isn’t good foranyone. And it was clearly indicated that the children had been spending a little too much time on Africa. That sun. He could feel it on his neck, still, like a hot paw. And the lions. And the smell of blood. Remarkable how the nursery caught the telepathic emanations of the children’s minds and created life to fill their every desire. The children thought lions, and there were lions. The children thought zebras, and there were zebras. Sun -sun. Giraffes – giraffes. Death and death.

We’ll await the inevitable, "I Fed My Parents to World of Warcraft, and All I Got Was This Lousy Portfolio" tee.

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What’s Black & White and Lies All Over?

Posted by Lizzie on 12/08/06

The Times upped the ante on its excessive and longtime pandering to minorities today, asking readers to accept the ludicrous assertion that there are, of all things, black people in Boston. Witness:

boston
“the monument honoring the 54th Massachusetts Regiment of Civil War fame”

!!!!!!!!

Whites took an unprecedented volley of hits straining credulity, including the assertions that they chase bottles of detergent and alcohol in place of foxes, cannot manage hedge funds without a book subtitled “For Dummies“, and combine poor spatial assessment with fashion choices.

What’s next, liberal media? A section entitled “Lies & Style”? Why, maybe in tomorrow’s edition you’d like to suggest Bush isn’t winning the war in Iraq!

departed

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Commenter, hie thee to the nearest bar and grope a woman immediately

Posted by Lizzie on 12/06/06

Sadly, we cannot give our books away to be scanned to Google Book Search or Microsoft’s Live Search Books, lacking, poor souls that we are, an ISBN. (Buy it here, though–there are only 10 copies left! No joke.) But the Powells books blog has a funny:

Never one to be outdone by lesser mortals, Microsoft is going head-to-head with Google by launching the beta of Live Search Books, its own book search engine, today.

Somebody, somewhere, is very excited about this whole book-search-on-the-Internet trend. Me, not so much. But this caught my attention:

As part of its defense in the U.S. lawsuit filed by The Authors Guild, Google has subpoenaed several other companies that have book scan projects, including Microsoft, Yahoo and Amazon. While Amazon and Yahoo have issued objections to the subpoena, Microsoft has not yet issued a formal response…

What’s that all about? It’s like Dr. Doom subpoenaing Lex Luthor, Doctor Octopus, and the Joker to testify at his trial that his plot to conquer the world is no more nefarious than any other master villain’s scheme.

A commenter points out:

Um, dude, like, the Joker can’t be in the same trial as the others, dude, ’cause, like, he’s DC and the others are Marvel…unless this is, like, a crossover series, dude, with collectible covers and stuff…

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HOIBWE (Hold On, I’m Blogging Work Environment)

Posted by Lizzie on 12/05/06

We were so thrilled to hear that some of our apron-clad brethren at Best Buy were also getting the chance to work from home (although we did become jealous when one at-large employee’s confession that he takes calls in the spice aisle of the supermarket prompted the mind-blowing, wormhole realization that, if he were suddenly in need of a microwave, he could take calls from the aisles of Best Buy). Still, we’re not sure Best Buy’s ROWE (Results-Only Work Environment) takes it far enough. We would be deeply pleased to see the following implemented immediately if not sooner:

IPMCTWSYCSUOMDWE (I Put My Computer This Way So You Can’t Sneak Up on Me, Dumbass Work Environment)

SFSWE (Stop Fuckin’ Snitching Work Environment)

OCITBWE (Only Cry In The Bathroom Work Environment. Also known as the TNCIBWE: “There’s no crying in baseball!” Work Environment)

NLCWE (No Leftover Chinese Work Environment)

HNGTCYWE (He’s Not Going to Call You Work Environment)

PDHYDFMSHWE (Please Don’t Have Your Drugs From Mexico Sent Here Work Environment)

HHOEWE (He Hits On Everybody Work Environment)

EATWWE (Enough About The Wire Work Environment)

IFGSWOHYHTMTCMTFCWE (Intern, For God’s Sake, We Only Have You Here to Make the Coffee. Make the Fucking Coffee Work Environment)

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The Morale Majority; Or, Friends, Readers, Blogendom: Lend us your links!

Posted by Lizzie on 11/09/06

But the Democrats’ 2006 agenda has one great virtue: It tries to promise a handful of sensible steps (ethics reforms, a minimum wage increase, pay-as-you-go rules, the 9/11 Commission recommendations) that a new majority can actually deliver. Each of those promises is an opportunity to make a modest repayment on the trust that has just been given them.

We don’t care what anyone says; that was an offensive win. A defensive win. Whatever the one is when you win only because the other guy sucks so hard.* We were galvanized before, but now we are filled with terror that the Dems will once again begin their ritual “We Don’t Want to Win, Really! No, SERIOUSLY” dance in red-suited Semaphore. So today, we’re just going to read everything in Slate. And all that crap in the sidebar. And Maud. And Ed. And James, bygod! Will you join us? How about posting your best links on our fucking rout and what it means for all of humanity? Yes, yes, yes–we will be self-selectively pushing ourselves further into partisanship and misunderstanding. But if you can’t enjoy a little partisan nooky after kicking the elephant out of the bedroom**, when can you? (Cousin David, you can post some links too, just to keep us honest.) And if our latest wordfinder/Darcy contest gets more hits, we will know that not only is our country doomed, but that MacFadyen is hotter, whatever you bitches say.

* Okay, everyone, including the President, says that. Just loan us a straw man for a sec.
** We were concerned at first that this metaphor was too clunky but decided upon reflection it is BRILLIANT. Seriously, try it.

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We’ve dug ourselves in so deep with this “we’re a PC person” thing, Steve Jobs could start bundling iPods with country houses and we’d still have to stand firm

Posted by Lizzie on 03/14/06

We don’t know how we feel about Microsoft just blatantly ripping off Google. Like how we feel about the Democrats waking up and suddenly using the Republicans’ false but effective tactics against them to the extent that the Republicans JOIN IN? Like how we feel about Sasha Cohen falling on her ass twice, then making beautiful lutzes forever? Like how we feel about Safeway installing a erzatz Trader Joe’s section right in their vegetable aisle so we don’t have to haul ass to…OH, RIGHT. WE LOVE IT.

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Boss Controller Level 1: Research the Coffee

Posted by Lizzie on 10/08/05

Metafilter explains how to handle a retarded boss:

Never immediately say that something is impossible. If your boss asks you to program his computer to make him coffee, say, “Hmmm. What a great idea. Let me research it.” Then, maybe an hour later, get back to him (preferably via email) and say, “I’ve researched the coffee thing and unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be possible. Here’s why.” At this point throw a little bit of techno-speech at him (or throw in some links to a couple of technical websites). He’ll tune it out.

If you immediately say, “That’s not possible,” he may get upset. He probably thought it was a swell idea and he doesn’t want his bubble burst. So let him down gently. And agree with him that the IDEA is good. Keep his hope alive: “I’ll keep looking into it. Maybe someone will develop something that will make it possible. I’ll keep you in the loop!”

Now, all we need Metafilter to explain is how to prevent our eyes from flashing “Dumbass! Dumbass! Dumbass!” like a one-armed bandit.

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Case Closed

Posted by Lizzie on 09/29/05

When one door closes, another…closes. (NPR looks at Brown v. The Board of Education powerhouse Constance Baker-Motley’s life here.)

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Black, Unlike Me

Posted by Lizzie on

Timothy Noah has an interesting theory on why he didn’t get the job:

An alternative interpretation of Goldberg’s experience, and mine, is that our prospective bosses didn’t want to hire us, but they also didn’t want to hurt our feelings, so they fibbed. To be told you’ve been turned down for a job because you’re white is to be told it isn’t really your fault. I wouldn’t recommend it as a dodge, because it’s always a bad idea to bring race into sensitive matters when race isn’t really relevant. But maybe the dodge was employed nonetheless.

Yeah — we wouldn’t recommend it for a different reason: Namely, that it’s the worst dodge ever.

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Rumors of my criminal activity have been greatly exaggerated

Posted by Lizzie on 09/27/05

And the award for Most Obvs Statement, 2005, goes to…

“If the dome and Convention Center had harbored large numbers of middle class white people,” Amoss said, “it would not have been a fertile ground for this kind of rumor-mongering.”

Congratulations! You can pick up your honorary water bottle at the door.

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300 Feet and Rising

Posted by Lizzie on 09/25/05

Being Poor.

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New New Orleans

Posted by Lizzie on 09/19/05

We’re terribly sad not to have had the chance to show the BOOG New Orleans. (Way to come all the way from Russia and never get to meet the city that can drink your damn country under the table.) We’re trying to maintain our faith that the sheer power of grease, gumbo file, and beignets will be able to turn even Insta-Condos back into the open-air easy, but until then, here are some funked up visions of the future. [via Mr. Sun]

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Or, raise your hand and ask if you can go to the bathroom

Posted by Lizzie on 09/16/05

New government initiative: Sit on your hands.

(It’s true: You, the most powerful governing body in the world, were TOTALLY getting in the way. Rowboats everywhere: Rejoice!)

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The Daily Kos exshames it all for you

Posted by Lizzie on 09/12/05

I understand there are 10,000 people dead. It’s terrible. It’s tragic. But in a democracy of 300 million people, over years and years and years, these things happen .

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New Orleans, for this and more, we love you

Posted by Lizzie on 09/09/05

Tits and Grass. [via Eggers]

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The Lost World

Posted by Lizzie on

That guy in your yoga class who’s nice and all, but seems like he’s competing with you on some level.

Well…I’m okay with THAT guy being gone. [via Choire]

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All we have to say is….

Posted by Lizzie on 09/05/05

This and this. [via Blurbomat's comments and Choire, respectively.]

Actually, we have even less to say — you’ll have a
marvelous guest-blogger this week. Spray you later.

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We’re NOT EVEN GOING TO ADDRESS the “Game Warden” thing

Posted by Lizzie on 09/01/05

My great project this morning, besides trying prevent my skull from splitting in two over stuff like this, was prying a confession from the BOOG that, in the event of such a tragedy, he, as is his daily habit in any case, would be “liberating the beer”* as well.

Then we saw these. In rain, sleet, or snow, fine. In order to escape rising flood waters (as the photo’s caption clearly states)? Not so much.

looters.jpg

mail truck.jpg

game warden.jpg

Of course, with all of the water shortages and dead bodies floating around, you don’t want to fuck with people getting their Victoria’s Secret catalogs safely, too. But to be fair, I’m not sure the “bar owner with gun” image ultimately can be put to use as the backdrop for Bush’s next speech, either.

gun guy.jpg

All images taken from NOLA’s photo galleries, which we highly recommend. Sorry if the text and photos are screwy; we don’t know how to make them fit the right way.

* Joke liberated from Metafilter.

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