UPDATE: So consumed were we with the vicissitudes of Valentine’s Day, we totally forgot about
yet another pack of men who apparently need to be the centers of attention at all timePresidents Day. Therefore, in honor of this week’s trip to D.C., we will leave the polls open until the close of Tuesday. (Related: We are fascinated about how only one man has dared to go down into this comment thread. [How about 'poke around' or 'stick his head i--' oh, whatever. Just tell them there's no way to avoid this one, and to keep their hea--WHATEVER--out of the gutter for FIVE MINUTES, for Christ's sake.--Ed] Are you scared, or have we finally found one topic that prevents you from just blabbing on about yourselves forever and ever ever? Try becoming President; then you get people to blab about you for you.)
So, Valentine’s Day. It’s great, right? No it’s great! Fabulous! We love it! We love being single for the first time in, oh, seven or eight years, enjoying the happy ticking of the mid-region. (That clock keeps awesome time.) We love that yesterday, on the phone, we said to our friend, “Omigod, my cats are so cute; you have to meet them!” Yeah, we did! Try it sometime!
Anyway, to add to the general joy, we thought we’d offer a whopping books giveaway and CHALLENGE. We were going to just keep it gold standard and have our challenge be the most annoying thing a man ever did to you, but since the world is pretty much already dedicated to the annoying things men do, we are loath to give over a post to it*. We’ll turn away from the dark side a sec. Your challenge is to tell us:
THE BEST LINE A MAN EVER DROPPED ON YOU EVER
Men, you can totally enter your best/most successful lines too. If a woman dropped a good line on you, feel free, but understand that technically women are just supposed to sit there and look pretty and let you pay for stuff.** If you’re gay, we guess you can enter like 18 times. Heh.
To start things off, we thought we’d offer our fave line, delivered recently by an extraordinarly dapper old gentleman at a bar who we suspect had pretty much spent the last 68 years refining it. Witness:
EXTRAORDINARILY DAPPER OLD GENTLEMAN: Miss. Miss–
OLD HAG: [sitting on stool, turns] Yes?
EDOG: You know, I designed these stools.
EDOG: Yes, for women like you.
OH: Women like me?
EDOG: You know. With cute bottoms.
We don’t care who you are, NO WAY YOU HAVE A BETTER LINE THAN THAT. (We especially love the DESIGN angle. “I poured the concrete on this sidewalk for women like you!” “Women like me?” “You know. With cute gams.” Etc.) Anyway, hit us with your best. (If you can’t think of anything, put the worst one instead, though intrinsically they’re all worst.) Winner gets free box of brand spankin’ new books, two runner-ups each get book. Contest ends MONDAY THE 19th, 11:59 p.m. EST, not that we care. Enter as many times as you want. And this time, Old Hag readers will choose the winner with our fabulous new polling plugin. Omigod! It’s almost as cute as our cats!
We will leave you with these two videos, mostly because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets, but also because we feel they somehow symbolize the two sides of woman–the cream versus the nuts, if you will. And also, because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets. Men, if you want to know what it’s like to be a girl, hit play at the same time on both!
*Listen, this is a girly blog, and if we want to talk today about how men are just big annoying raised-in-a-barn animals of the soul, we will. Go bitch about what bitches we are on your own blog. And the next time you call someone to invite them out to dinner and the check comes to literally fifty dollars and you are over the age of 18, omigod just pay it.
** See above