“How many girls here slept with Howard Hughes?” “I did” “I did”

Posted by Lizzie on 02/19/11

Just for your information: I don’t need children, husbands or fine jewelry. All I need to know is that when I am 39 and holding, pals Dionne Warwick, Shelley Winters, Teri Garr, Terry Moore, Teena Marie and some unidentified man will come join me on my pink plush set to film my exercise video.
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Leo Fakeout Advisory: Change in Effect

Posted by Lizzie on 02/28/07

We know, usually when we don’t post for awhile, we go with the classic




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BUT TODAY, to make up for what we’re pretty sure will become a really egregious period of not posting, we thought we go with


Hope this helps.

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[Your Joke Here; We’re Tired; This Was a Long Post]

Posted by Lizzie on 02/14/07


(Click to enlarge…and be enlightened!)

So the results of our first offical Old Hag Reader Can You Even Handle This Action Survey are in and….wow! You guys absolutely do not have enough to do. You should get on that. But we were unsurprised to find that, in planning the rest of our year, a) most of you wanted us to do reviews for which we do not get paid; 2) pretty much the same amount of you were perverts, lazy, in love with Leonardo Dicaprio, or poetry-seekers (hard to choose, right?); 3) Podcasts and Pride & Prejudice people insisted on being tediously alliterative, 4) almost the same amount of people wanted more real-world reviews as didn’t know who we are. That’s fine; the people who read the reviews don’t know who we are either.

Since you apparently have nothing better to do than hang around here and click on things, you won’t mind if we take these one by one.

1. Speedreaders
Coming; we have a few real-world reviews first and then it’s going to all happen for you.

2. Real-World Reviews
See “Speedreaders”

3. Podcasts
Coming; don’t care if you want ’em

4. Poetry
Incoming shortly; check out our porn haiku in the meantime.

5. More Leo fakeouts


Duh. Done. DIRTY LEO. Grrrrr.

6. Who is Old Hag?

7. Pride & Prejudice

Fucking done….most ardently!

8. Seriously, who is Old Hag?

9. We avoid working

10. Porn? No porn?
We’re the only pervert around here, sorry. But here’s that Old Hag/Young Woman picture all the rest of you are looking for.

11. More pics of adorable nephew (Write-In)
We’ll do you one better. Three things to note: a) This might take a sec to load; b) yes, that is Marketwatch; it’s never too early, and c) seriously, you might die. DIE!


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Pencils up

Posted by Lizzie on 12/08/06

Humorphobe Rachel Sklar’s apparent inability to grasp the comedy gold sprinkled like so much elemental pollen on all that Hitchens’ wand touches pains us, so much so that we contacted to the master to ask for a step by step clarification of one of his most side-splitting sallies:

I am talking about that real, out-loud, head-back, mouth-open-to-expose-the-full-horseshoe-of-lovely-teeth, involuntary, full, and deep-throated mirth; the kind that is accompanied by a shocked surprise and a slight (no, make that a loud) peal of delight—well, then, you have at least caused her to loosen up and to change her expression. I shall not elaborate further.

Get your notebook out, Sklar:




We’d hit that! Am I right? Am I right?

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You Searched, We Answered

Posted by Lizzie on 12/02/06

We are usually irritated by those search keyword roundups–“Someone got here by searching for ETHICAL DATIVE; can you BELIEVE it?” but December has brought a wave of plaintive entreaties we find we can actually answer. We will omit all of the search phrases you can imagine our name brings–except “pointed tits”, which we take as a directive–but, rest assured, we will tire of our mastery of site stats very soon.

lizzie skurnick
Yes! Well done.

macfayden knightley

what are some sites that get past pesky website blockers
It’s like you’re searching for porn with an English accent. Carry on.

im loving memory of an employee poems
We’re assuming, Boss Jekyll, YOU didn’t kill said employee with the file-hurling rage that is the corollary to this wave of regret and despair, right? What’s that you say? It won’t happen again? Not for the three months’ salary it’s going to take to pay the temp and conduct the statewide job search caused by your mid-level manager lack of impulse control, it won’t. But to get back to the question, the standard text for disposing of an employee in the parking lot is Hopkins’ “Spring and Fall.”

baltimore oh girls
Of course, now that we’re GONE.

sorche fairbank
Can you call us this from now on? Oh, you’re too busy trying to hold off on law school.

what do we know about the narrators name reaching dustin
Oh my god, we don’t know! How much are you going to NEED us to know? Is it like, his name is Dust– , and we’re hoping he’ll get there? Or does Dustin NEED TO KNOW who the narrator’s name is? What do you mean by REACH? We don’t know–AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE DON’T KNOW!!! Jesus. We’re going to the next one.

eye elisions
We don’t know; eye is pretty short, champ–what are you going for, e’e? Did you have something to do with this Dustin thing?

ethical dative
We have pretended to know what this is in the past; we have no idea. Did our commenter help?

what do hag worms eat
God, is there something called a HAG WORM? It’s like, being a hag isn’t bad enough? Ahhhh…Google would like to know if you meant hagworm. Chump.

# of pages in mona simpson s paperback version of the lost father
558. And sucks for you, because it’s not the one where she has sex in the pool.

harold dieterle girlfriend


Seriously, we have no idea. But one of the few benefits of the bugaboo-wielding gauntlet we negotiate on our way to the F train is the occasional sighting of Mr. “I don’t understand why you did dessert. This is an amuse bouche challenge” himself. And, while we feel it is craven and inappropriate to actually report on semi-semi-celebrities’ real-world activities, we think Mr. Dieterle will not mind if we inform readers that, even before he LEAPT up to give his seat to one such Bugaboo-wielder the other day, HE WAS THE HOTTNESS.
Hold on a sec.


lindsay lohan problematic prose
Yeah. Cause THAT’S the problem.

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Our work here is done

Posted by Lizzie on 12/01/06

DARCiesA friend just declined our invitation to see a recent film that opened on our block. Apparently, she “doesn’t watch any movies except Pride & Prejudice.”

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