And…go fuck yourself. Just a thought.

Posted by Lizzie on 11/17/05

We’re sorry we’ve been so lame on the blog lately, but this is mainly because we have been forced to embark on the harrowing search for a new apartment. Well, actually, in Baltimore, it’s not so harrowing. While in other cities apartments fly off the market like so many…things that fly quickly off things, the housing market in Baltimore in mid-November is roiling at approximately the rate of a bowl of pea soup left for two hours on the kitchen table. Which makes the following exchange so bizarro.

—–Original Message—–
From: [Redacted]
To: ESkurnick
Cc: [Redacted]
Sent: Wed, 16 Nov 2005 20:56:53 -0500
Subject: Apt.

Dear Lizzy,

Nice to meet you yesterday. I have had an opportunity to speak with some of the other owners, and we are prepared to have the apartment painted for you on the condition that you sign a two year lease. Although we have not gotten written estimates, we believe it may cost more than $1000 to paint, which is both an investment in the property, and in keeping happy tenants.

The former owner indicated to me that if you turn your heat down during the day while you are at work (it is electric baseboard), you should expect utilities in the neighborhood of $100/month. As I have told you, we just purchased the property last week, so I really don’t know any more than that. The former owner did suggest that new tenants contact BGE and calculate a 12 month history, and get on budget billing. Just a thought.

Thanks in advance for getting back to me at your earliest convenience. I have shown the apt. to a few other interested folks, but you saw it first, so I will give you the opportunity to get back to me before contacting them.

I don’t think you told me if you are interested in moving in Dec. 1? Will need to know to arrange the painters.

Best regards,

[Redacted]

Another thing you should know: This particular apartment was going for $1250. We know: All of you New Yorkers have immediately decided it’s time to move to Baltimore. To be fair, it was a two-bedroom apartment with twenty-foot ceiling, person-sized bay windows, and French doors. BUT IT HAD NOT BEEN PAINTED IN 12 YEARS, IT WAS PLUS HEAT AND HOT WATER, AND THE KITCHEN WAS CIRCA 1940. Usually $1250 in Baltimore, will, as Fran Lebowitz once commented, get you the Winter Palace, fully furnished. Or you know, at least, a whole HOUSE.

So, though we are constitutionally opposed to responding via email how we would ACTUALLY LIKE TO RESPOND, we sent this:

Dear [Redacted],

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no, though — if you want a two-year lease to paint the apartment, I’m terrified of what you’ll need if the refrigerator breaks.

All best,
Lizzie

We await our karmic retribution.

Filed under: WTF |