Posted by Lizzie on 11/02/06

(Just FYI, we categorically DENY ALL THE FOLLOWING, especially the ‘”curly” hairstyle’ dig. Our hair is UNIRONICALLY and WHOLLY CURLY. Had our accuser chosen to enclose “hairstyle” in quotes, we would of course have to accede.)


Just to clarify for you, the drain was “plunged” [“plunged” is right–Ed.] by the plumber for a very long time [ooo, rude!] to remove all the debris that you apparently routine [sic] let go down the drain having removed the hair trap we had in place. [Lies.–Ed] When you complained to Claude [How awesome is it that there’s a ‘Claude’ in this? There should always be a Claude in every dispute, absolutely always–Ed.] about a clogged drain [OUR CLOGGED DRAIN WHORE–Ed.], he came in and plunged [“plunged”] and also at that time, informed me that a plastic razor cover as well as other debris came up with the plunging. [Tell us WHY THE CAP IN AN ALREADY CLOGGED DRAIN WOULD PROBABLY ACTUALLY NOT BE OURS, Ms. CSI:Plunge–Ed.] To say it was clogged the whole time is a gross exageration on your part, and you know it. [LIES! S! P!–Ed.] The greasy styling hair products you used on your “curly” hairstyle also contributed to clogging the drain which was completely of your own making. [They’re not ‘greasy’, they’re for ‘black people’. Hey, if you had put in “expensive” you could have gotten in a Jewish dig too.–Ed.] At the time of the inpection [sp], you knew the drain was totally clogged, but I had no idea until we had to go in to clean up the black mold and filth that I later discovered in the bathtub. [Oh, we know you didn’t just say ‘black’…–Ed.] [Redacted], the new tenant was moving in immediately which you knew, so it would have been considerate of you to let us know you clogged up the drain yet again. [LIES! Fuck off.–Ed.] You said at the time of the inspection, ” everything was wonderful with the apartment; everything was fine; no problems at all”. [WHAT ARE YOU, THE AVATAR OF SP?–Ed.] I asked you about the water damaged spots on the hardwood floor in the living room and dining room from your portable dish washer no doubt, and you just waved your hand and said you didn’t know how they got there. [Why didn’t you try buffing them with the residue from our “greasy” hairstyle, Kojak?–Ed.] The only reason I didn’t charge you for that is because Mr. [Redacted] was moving in and there was no time to refinish the floors which I might add were left in a dirty condition which we had to clean up. [Oh, you mean you were prevented FROM USING OUR SECURITY DEPOSIT TO REFURBISH YOUR FUCKING FLOORS? Pas mal, whore!–Ed.] There were also water/coffee damage spots in the entry hall which were not there prior to your moving in. [Possibly related to the huge HOLE IN THE CEILING.–Ed.] We had competely [SP. Whore.–Ed.] restored this apartment with all new wiring, new ceramic kitchen floor (which you left cat food stuck to) [LIES–Ed.], new tiling in the bathroom,new marble floor in the bathroom [What do we, get dividends from your trips to Home Depot? Fuck off.–Ed.], all of which had to be cleaned which you were supposed to do. [“Broom-swept” is the legal requirement, not that we didn’t scrub it for hours as our Grandma Dora taught us. Whore.–Ed.] I let you out of your lease and actually helped you in dealing with a replacement tenant — I could have held you to the lease for the remaining six months [In your scary landlord dreams!–Ed.], and you launch your vitriolic tirade on my cell phone over a minor plumbing bill. [Which was awesome, we are SO GLAD WE DID THAT. Also, IF IT WAS SO MINOR WHY DID YOU CHARGE IT? Whore.–Ed.] You went and changed addresses yet again [THAT’S WHAT MOVING IS SHERLOCK–Ed.] and the first security deposit check went missing [BECAUSE YOU NEVER MAILED IT–Ed.]– you even accused me of not sending it which I take absolute exception to impuning my integrity. [OH YEAH WE JUST DID IT AGAIN.–Ed.] I’ve forwarded all of your packages, making no less than five trips to the post office as well as getting the stop payment fee of $33.00 waived so you wouldn’t have to cover that. [We hope you had to wait in line FOR. EVER. –Ed.]

I look forward to seeing you in court, and I shall be countersuing you for breaking your lease, subjecting us to extra cleaning expense, and I shall sue you for the cost of refinishing the hardwood floors in the damaged areas of the living room, dining room and entry hallway which will all be done upon [Redacted] vacating his tenancy [WAKE UP O YE OF LANDLORD DREAMS.–Ed.]. You also owe us two late fees for sending in your rent late in June and July, both over six days late. [The law is 10 days WHY DO POETS KNOW THE LAW AND NOT LANDLORDS FOR. MOTHERF’ING. GOD’S. SAKE.–Ed.] All matters in real estate are done in writing [THANK YOU, ATTICUS FINCH–Ed.], and thus the copy of the plumbing bill and explanation with the return of your security deposit [SOUNDS SUFFICIENT TO ME!–Ed.]. I have my evidence too and will be more than happy to present it as well as many documented thank you letters from current and prior tenants from the past 20 plus years as to my care and concern and excellent managment of this building. [Aw shit, IS L.A. LAW: THE COMPLETE SEASONS OUT ON DVD ALREADY?–Ed.]

See you in court.

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