We know, usually when we don’t post for awhile, we go with the classic

or

even
BUT TODAY, to make up for what we’re pretty sure will become a really egregious period of not posting, we thought we go with

Hope this helps.
Posted by altehaggen in the hottness @ Wednesday, February 28, 2007 6:20 pm | Tags: leo, may the best protection etc. |
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The Rebel Issue is up!
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, blog in the day @ 12:49 pm | Tags: boldtype |
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P.S., we would like to remind you that Scott McLemee, one of those irritating critics who writes thoughtful and sharp pieces all the time, instead of, you know, just cranking out vitriol whenever whoever pays her five dollars to do so like someone we could mention, has a new Arts Journal blog, Quick Study, which obvs you should visit immediately and never leave, even if you and that blog don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. P.S.2: You can see Scott’s old fourth-century, Web .036 blog here. We don’t know, can you call it a blog when it’s just the same old HTML document updated and uploaded over and over? Could you call the Catherine Wheel a car? Could we NEVER stop talking while on Nyquil Night & Day? Probably.
Posted by altehaggen in blog in the day @ Tuesday, February 27, 2007 11:22 pm | Tags: seriously |
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Old Hag has a bad cold. She’s sorry, but more specifically, really, really cracked out on cold medicine. She will post the results for the contest very soon. P.S. how AWESOME was that contest! Let’s have it every day!
Also, anyone with intel on why visitorship just tripled in the past few days welcome, by the way. Stats, as usual, reveal nothing.
Posted by altehaggen in blog in the day, in it to win it @ 11:11 pm | Tags: backstalking, kill me now, Moi, seriously |
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UPDATE: So consumed were we with the vicissitudes of Valentine’s Day, we totally forgot about yet another pack of men who apparently need to be the centers of attention at all timePresidents Day. Therefore, in honor of this week’s trip to D.C., we will leave the polls open until the close of Tuesday. (Related: We are fascinated about how only one man has dared to go down into this comment thread. [How about 'poke around' or 'stick his head i--' oh, whatever. Just tell them there's no way to avoid this one, and to keep their hea--WHATEVER--out of the gutter for FIVE MINUTES, for Christ's sake.--Ed] Are you scared, or have we finally found one topic that prevents you from just blabbing on about yourselves forever and ever ever? Try becoming President; then you get people to blab about you for you.)
So, Valentine’s Day. It’s great, right? No it’s great! Fabulous! We love it! We love being single for the first time in, oh, seven or eight years, enjoying the happy ticking of the mid-region. (That clock keeps awesome time.) We love that yesterday, on the phone, we said to our friend, “Omigod, my cats are so cute; you have to meet them!” Yeah, we did! Try it sometime!
Anyway, to add to the general joy, we thought we’d offer a whopping books giveaway and CHALLENGE. We were going to just keep it gold standard and have our challenge be the most annoying thing a man ever did to you, but since the world is pretty much already dedicated to the annoying things men do, we are loath to give over a post to it*. We’ll turn away from the dark side a sec. Your challenge is to tell us:
THE BEST LINE A MAN EVER DROPPED ON YOU EVER
Men, you can totally enter your best/most successful lines too. If a woman dropped a good line on you, feel free, but understand that technically women are just supposed to sit there and look pretty and let you pay for stuff.** If you’re gay, we guess you can enter like 18 times. Heh.
To start things off, we thought we’d offer our fave line, delivered recently by an extraordinarly dapper old gentleman at a bar who we suspect had pretty much spent the last 68 years refining it. Witness:
EXTRAORDINARILY DAPPER OLD GENTLEMAN: Miss. Miss–
OLD HAG: [sitting on stool, turns] Yes?
EDOG: You know, I designed these stools.
OH: Really?
EDOG: Yes, for women like you.
OH: Women like me?
EDOG: You know. With cute bottoms.
We don’t care who you are, NO WAY YOU HAVE A BETTER LINE THAN THAT. (We especially love the DESIGN angle. “I poured the concrete on this sidewalk for women like you!” “Women like me?” “You know. With cute gams.” Etc.) Anyway, hit us with your best. (If you can’t think of anything, put the worst one instead, though intrinsically they’re all worst.) Winner gets free box of brand spankin’ new books, two runner-ups each get book. Contest ends MONDAY THE 19th, 11:59 p.m. EST, not that we care. Enter as many times as you want. And this time, Old Hag readers will choose the winner with our fabulous new polling plugin. Omigod! It’s almost as cute as our cats!
We will leave you with these two videos, mostly because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets, but also because we feel they somehow symbolize the two sides of woman–the cream versus the nuts, if you will. And also, because we just figured out how to post YouTube snippets. Men, if you want to know what it’s like to be a girl, hit play at the same time on both!
*Listen, this is a girly blog, and if we want to talk today about how men are just big annoying raised-in-a-barn animals of the soul, we will. Go bitch about what bitches we are on your own blog. And the next time you call someone to invite them out to dinner and the check comes to literally fifty dollars and you are over the age of 18, omigod just pay it.
** See above
Posted by altehaggen in in it to win it @ Wednesday, February 14, 2007 6:48 pm | Tags: books are company, kill me now, may the best protection etc., my cats are cute though, v-day |
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(Click to enlarge…and be enlightened!)
So the results of our first offical Old Hag Reader Can You Even Handle This Action Survey are in and….wow! You guys absolutely do not have enough to do. You should get on that. But we were unsurprised to find that, in planning the rest of our year, a) most of you wanted us to do reviews for which we do not get paid; 2) pretty much the same amount of you were perverts, lazy, in love with Leonardo Dicaprio, or poetry-seekers (hard to choose, right?); 3) Podcasts and Pride & Prejudice people insisted on being tediously alliterative, 4) almost the same amount of people wanted more real-world reviews as didn’t know who we are. That’s fine; the people who read the reviews don’t know who we are either.
Since you apparently have nothing better to do than hang around here and click on things, you won’t mind if we take these one by one.
1. Speedreaders
Coming; we have a few real-world reviews first and then it’s going to all happen for you.
2. Real-World Reviews
See “Speedreaders”
3. Podcasts
Coming; don’t care if you want ‘em
4. Poetry
Incoming shortly; check out our porn haiku in the meantime.
5. More Leo fakeouts

Duh. Done. DIRTY LEO. Grrrrr.
6. Who is Old Hag?
Nobody
7. Pride & Prejudice

Fucking done….most ardently!
8. Seriously, who is Old Hag?
Nobody
9. We avoid working
Q.E.D.
10. Porn? No porn?
We’re the only pervert around here, sorry. But here’s that Old Hag/Young Woman picture all the rest of you are looking for.
11. More pics of adorable nephew (Write-In)
We’ll do you one better. Three things to note: a) This might take a sec to load; b) yes, that is Marketwatch; it’s never too early, and c) seriously, you might die. DIE!
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, blog in the day, poesie, polls, the hottness @ 5:42 pm | Tags: get a hobby, leo, Moi, nevvie, seriously, surveys |
Comments (3)
She might as well have written a few thousand words about how she’s just noticed that young people seem to be wearing strange padded beans in their ears everywhere they go, touching tiny, space age-looking pods that light up and seem to respond to their touch, oblivious to the daily noises of life around them; that she’s heard these devices contain digital music, and how shocked, appalled and saddened she is that these young fools are not at home cranking the Victrola, doing the jitterbug and listening to real music.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, February 12, 2007 11:27 am | Tags: ZING! |
Comments (1)
This week on perennial fave Five Chapters: a Blog Laureate.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 9:13 am | |
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….to the passengers of the uptown bound F train at the 47-50 station yesterday at 7:32 p.m., who:
1. Literally held open the doors from crushing us for like EIGHT MINUTES despite the conductor’s attempt to do so;
2. Grabbed our bag and pushed it back from the doors so we wouldn’t be dragged to the next station in a trail of imitation leather, and;
c. With quick great alacrity and skill, threw! our! phone! that! fell! to! us! through! the! closing! doors! before the train could pull away.
Seriously, THAT GUY. Omigod, do we owe you! Feel free to get in touch for one free cell phone or any other prize of your suggestion! And to that guy who just looked at us like, Dude, WHAT the eff is wrong with you, we can respond only that–as a character in the show we were on our way to see commented–if we knew, we would have it fixed.*
* Yes, we saw Follies! Did you see us? We were the one who was not a gay man, middle-aged season subscriber, overly be-makeuped theatre major, or any combination thereof.
Posted by altehaggen in WTF @ Friday, February 9, 2007 10:19 am | Tags: Moi, new york, stand clear of the closing doors |
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You know, for about half a second we had the exquisite joy of believing that Technorati had truly evolved a special feature not only to aggregate and celebrate all posts tagged WTF, but to allow people to append long screeds detailing the precise nature of the wtf-age. Oh, well.
Posted by altehaggen in WTF @ Tuesday, February 6, 2007 3:22 pm | |
Comments (1)
We usually try to do good for the environment*, but that part of our sad life, as of about four minutes ago, is over. Are we the last person to discover the Pledge Duster Plus, for Christ’s sake? The spray bottle that allows you SIMULTANEOUSLY polish as you dust? The glovelike tines that surround the fluffy head? The super-fresh scent? The fact that it only comes with one refill…well, that’s the part where we destroy the environment. But fuck Al Gore–he has maids to enable his Powerpoint lifestyle, maids that you know throw out his recyclable cloths and sneak this shit in when he goes off to shame the President on some other midwestern college campus. We’re sticking. And if anyone else knows of any other wondrous innovations in the world of cleaning of which we’ve remained woefully ignorant, please let us know immediately. It’s like Juneteenth up in here.
*Humor us
Posted by altehaggen in Uncategorized @ Monday, February 5, 2007 6:00 pm | Tags: Moi |
Comments (4)
From: [redacted] <redacted@gmail.com> 8:11 pm (2 hours ago)
to: Lizzie Skurnick <redacted@gmail.com>
date: Feb 3, 2007 8:11 PM
subject: Lazy Person!
mailed-by gmail.com
Put up A NEW POST!
Posted by altehaggen in General @ Saturday, February 3, 2007 10:29 pm | |
Comments (1)