Why did the radio have such small hands?

Wee paws for station identification!

Etc. Which is to say, although it hardly needs noting, if you haven’t noticed, we’re on vacation until the New Year while the former BOOG finishes upgrading WordPress and fixes the photo upload feature–since, lord knows, if we can’t do stuff like this 90 times a day, life is not worth blogging.

A brief coda: Since in the past six months, we’ve already done ANYTHING we intend to do for the next three years and are only resolving, in the New Year, to hook up our DVD to have yet more unproductive time wending couchward, we would like to take this moment instead to thank the many former BOOGs of note. In the past few months, they have, only mildly complainingly, a) provided technical assistance of all kinds, b) vetted various jokes for publication, c) informed us when their step-aunt or milkman read something we’d written, and d) promptly replied "You’re the most beautiful girl in the world" everytime we demanded they tell us we’re pretty. Gentlemen, we would make a sandwich for each of you anytime, if we hadn’t already made 6,000 sandwiches for you. Make your own sandwich.

Okay. Now who’s free to hook up the DVD?

Posted by altehaggen in Uncategorized @ Thursday, December 28, 2006 3:04 pm | Tags: | Comments (12)

We would like to request a new type of “Parental Advisory Warning” label

BREAKING: Conversation recently held in the senior Hag household, as Hag attempted to adjust color on television set for MOOH’s (Mother of Old Hag) viewing of Brokeback Mountain:

OH: I think I need the other remote. This is the remote for the VCR.

MOOH: Oh. [Beat.] So who is…doing who?

Posted by altehaggen in General @ Sunday, December 24, 2006 11:51 am | | Comments (1)

Children of the Zune

After Niki, Ms. Roizen’s daughter, became proficient at World of Warcraft, her mother took her to visit Perpetual Entertainment, a game company in San Francisco she had invested in. Niki had some criticisms of the company’s game, a role-playing epic called Gods and Heroes, telling its developers that it seemed unpolished and choppy. The game makers, taking advice from Niki and others, improved the product by the time she visited again. “When she picked me up, she said, ‘Did you like it? Was it more fun?’ And I said yes, the whole car ride home,” Niki said.

We could not remember why this Times article about exploitingasking your kids for investment advice on digi-gadgets sounded so creepily familiar. Then we did:

As for the nursery, thought George Hadley, it won’t hurt for the children to be locked out of it awhile. Too much of anything isn’t good foranyone. And it was clearly indicated that the children had been spending a little too much time on Africa. That sun. He could feel it on his neck, still, like a hot paw. And the lions. And the smell of blood. Remarkable how the nursery caught the telepathic emanations of the children’s minds and created life to fill their every desire. The children thought lions, and there were lions. The children thought zebras, and there were zebras. Sun -sun. Giraffes – giraffes. Death and death.

We’ll await the inevitable, "I Fed My Parents to World of Warcraft, and All I Got Was This Lousy Portfolio" tee.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, The Man, WTF @ Monday, December 18, 2006 2:33 pm | | Comments (0)

Busy busy busy

But never too busy for the revelation of "bitch-perfect"!

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, December 11, 2006 11:40 am | | Comments (1)

More Help For Search Strings

fuck my ex boyfrined never loved him poems

Here you go!

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, Sex-ish @ Sunday, December 10, 2006 3:18 pm | | Comments (0)

What’s Black & White and Lies All Over?

The Times upped the ante on its excessive and longtime pandering to minorities today, asking readers to accept the ludicrous assertion that there are, of all things, black people in Boston. Witness:

boston
“the monument honoring the 54th Massachusetts Regiment of Civil War fame”

!!!!!!!!

Whites took an unprecedented volley of hits straining credulity, including the assertions that they chase bottles of detergent and alcohol in place of foxes, cannot manage hedge funds without a book subtitled “For Dummies“, and combine poor spatial assessment with fashion choices.

What’s next, liberal media? A section entitled “Lies & Style”? Why, maybe in tomorrow’s edition you’d like to suggest Bush isn’t winning the war in Iraq!

departed

Posted by altehaggen in The Man, WTF @ Friday, December 8, 2006 8:07 pm | | Comments (0)

Pencils up

Humorphobe Rachel Sklar’s apparent inability to grasp the comedy gold sprinkled like so much elemental pollen on all that Hitchens’ wand touches pains us, so much so that we contacted to the master to ask for a step by step clarification of one of his most side-splitting sallies:

I am talking about that real, out-loud, head-back, mouth-open-to-expose-the-full-horseshoe-of-lovely-teeth, involuntary, full, and deep-throated mirth; the kind that is accompanied by a shocked surprise and a slight (no, make that a loud) peal of delight—well, then, you have at least caused her to loosen up and to change her expression. I shall not elaborate further.

Get your notebook out, Sklar:

hitch1

hitch2

nana

We’d hit that! Am I right? Am I right?

Posted by altehaggen in Sex-ish, WTF, the hottness @ 7:34 pm | | Comments (1)

Did you check if you said “Off the Record”?

David Rosenthal, the publisher of Simon & Schuster, dismissed Mr. Stein’s claims. “We’re confident in his work,” Mr. Rosenthal said of Mr. Carter. “Do we check every line in every book? No, but that’s not the issue here. I have no reason to doubt President Carter’s research.”

Things Simon & Schuster did do:

1. Decide trim size;
2. Choose dingbats for headers;
3. Resolve the debate on centered, justified folios.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, WTF @ Thursday, December 7, 2006 10:45 am | | Comments (0)

More like “first base” mirth than “deep-throated mirth”, but call us anyway

Why, this is the funniest thing we have read in years. [Via Maudie]

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, Sex-ish, WTF @ 10:24 am | | Comments (7)

Oh, we love this one

More dictionary verse.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 1:56 am | | Comments (0)

Commenter, hie thee to the nearest bar and grope a woman immediately

Sadly, we cannot give our books away to be scanned to Google Book Search or Microsoft’s Live Search Books, lacking, poor souls that we are, an ISBN. (Buy it here, though–there are only 10 copies left! No joke.) But the Powells books blog has a funny:

Never one to be outdone by lesser mortals, Microsoft is going head-to-head with Google by launching the beta of Live Search Books, its own book search engine, today.

Somebody, somewhere, is very excited about this whole book-search-on-the-Internet trend. Me, not so much. But this caught my attention:

As part of its defense in the U.S. lawsuit filed by The Authors Guild, Google has subpoenaed several other companies that have book scan projects, including Microsoft, Yahoo and Amazon. While Amazon and Yahoo have issued objections to the subpoena, Microsoft has not yet issued a formal response…

What’s that all about? It’s like Dr. Doom subpoenaing Lex Luthor, Doctor Octopus, and the Joker to testify at his trial that his plot to conquer the world is no more nefarious than any other master villain’s scheme.

A commenter points out:

Um, dude, like, the Joker can’t be in the same trial as the others, dude, ’cause, like, he’s DC and the others are Marvel…unless this is, like, a crossover series, dude, with collectible covers and stuff…

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, The Man @ Wednesday, December 6, 2006 8:33 pm | | Comments (0)

A Winner’s Tale

Once we cleared away all the people with whom we a) regularly break bread , b) grew up, c) have done naughty things, and d) are blog friends, we were left with a lively assortment of the non-nepotistically tainted, the harder to choose among, since we HAVE NOT READ any of the books in question and you’re all so *cute* to help me out, etc., etc., ad infinitum. We finally went with the lady (gentleman?) who had something we want right now, viz a cuppa tea. Please send address, cuppa, and you will receive our fave book of the year! Oh great and powerful Cotton-knower, you too will receive OH’s FAVORITE BOOK OF THE YEAR presently. The National Book Critics Circle also has good recommendations, although, Skloot, Freeman, tag for chrissakes. What is this, 1923?

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, in it to win it @ 5:19 pm | | Comments (0)

They say the parent eventually becomes the child, but this is ridiculous

FOOG (Father of Old Hag) just wrote us an email comprised entirely of the word whatever.

Posted by altehaggen in WTF @ 5:04 pm | Tags: | Comments (0)

The Searchers

We’re going to tire of this back-end exploration* very soon, but since for reasons we can’t go into at present, we may be switching to the exploration of other back-ends** very soon, we wanted to take one last minute, pre-Xmas, to thank Old Hag readers for our welcome discovery: many of you come here for not completely perverted reasons. Which is to say, we thought items like “free videos of teen girls being spit roasted” (TRUTH) would make up the majority of our search strings, but we are very, very wrong. Some of you want to find out about books! Sorry about that. But, since December’s searches are, in their strange and fragile manner, in the words of our good friend, like “a beautiful poem”, we will post them below in the hopes that some of the OH readers who can read can help some of the other OH readers who apparently read. Back to Top Chef.

cliff notes for charm city by laura lippman ***
what piece does lizzy try to play at pemberley
jorie graham married
spare room portland poet
the main character in boys and girls by alice munro
busy person poem
has foetry closed
on beauty smith concert
literary blogs curtis sittenfeld
digging to america new yorker
mr darcy action figure
francine prose guided tours of hell book review
bloody mary does she really deserve the name ****
the secret charm of the kgb by author marjorie ross
cliff notes on the american psycho
bret easton ellis pdf
consider it brought *****
all saints and callanan
horses symbolism in boys and girls by alice munro
effect of child narrator in to kill a mockingbird
to kill a mockingbird-scout as a narrator
a most beloved sister darcy elizabeth casey
friends moving away poems not cheesy ******
alice mattison in case we re separated paperback
book critique summer guest by cronin
sniffing aspiring 1984 novelist us
doctor zhivago spoiler for the entire movie
special topics in calamity physics spoiler
when did the comic strip cathy firs debut

AND

colin firth & hot
i love my husband more than i love ********

AND

lizzie of old hag adam says hi ********

* Out. of. the. gutter.
** SERIOUSLY.
*** For christ’s sake, what is it with you young people–are your brains set to go to sleep every fifteen minutes like the screen on your Dell? Just READ IT.
**** TOTALLY.
***** This is not literary, we just think it’s awesome.
****** Oooo! Carolyn Forche, “As Children Together.” You know, with fucking.
******* Really? Try:

******** Hi Adam

Thank you for your patience.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Tuesday, December 5, 2006 3:14 pm | Tags: | Comments (0)

HOIBWE (Hold On, I’m Blogging Work Environment)

We were so thrilled to hear that some of our apron-clad brethren at Best Buy were also getting the chance to work from home (although we did become jealous when one at-large employee’s confession that he takes calls in the spice aisle of the supermarket prompted the mind-blowing, wormhole realization that, if he were suddenly in need of a microwave, he could take calls from the aisles of Best Buy). Still, we’re not sure Best Buy’s ROWE (Results-Only Work Environment) takes it far enough. We would be deeply pleased to see the following implemented immediately if not sooner:

IPMCTWSYCSUOMDWE (I Put My Computer This Way So You Can’t Sneak Up on Me, Dumbass Work Environment)

SFSWE (Stop Fuckin’ Snitching Work Environment)

OCITBWE (Only Cry In The Bathroom Work Environment. Also known as the TNCIBWE: “There’s no crying in baseball!” Work Environment)

NLCWE (No Leftover Chinese Work Environment)

HNGTCYWE (He’s Not Going to Call You Work Environment)

PDHYDFMSHWE (Please Don’t Have Your Drugs From Mexico Sent Here Work Environment)

HHOEWE (He Hits On Everybody Work Environment)

EATWWE (Enough About The Wire Work Environment)

IFGSWOHYHTMTCMTFCWE (Intern, For God’s Sake, We Only Have You Here to Make the Coffee. Make the Fucking Coffee Work Environment)

Posted by altehaggen in The Man @ 12:36 pm | | Comments (0)

One last clue: THE BOOK IS CALLED “SWITCH BITCH”

Roald Dahl, latter-day Sauron:

At 17 I did not notice the deep vein of misogyny that runs through them; now I can’t miss it… his women, even when sympathetically portrayed, seem a monstrous, alien regiment, their sexuality voracious and threatening. In “Georgy Porgy” the poor hero is menaced first by the “huge red mouth” of his mother and then by the mouth of Miss Roach. Then there’s the “wet mouth” of the “vigorous” Mrs. Bixby in “Mrs. Bixby and the Colonel’s Coat,” the “big red mouth” of the nearly anonymous mother in “Pig”; and, once more, the “big red mouth” that Vic, the narrator of “The Great Switcheroo,” notes that all the female guests at a party possess.

(A long time ago, we did a roundup on Dirty Dahl–whom we love almost as much as Dirty Leo. You can find it here, if you care.)

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, December 4, 2006 12:16 pm | | Comments (0)

Bon AppetEat me

Some ways French women actually might get fat:

1. Observe lack of apple-distinguishing powers in American children so keenly, distractedly consume several MacDonald’s apple pies;

2. Cannot stave off massive nose growth after writing the phrase, “I try not to take myself too seriously”;

3. Extol pleasures of the firm, sweet and ruddy-cheeked; eat small French child;

4. Must accommodate insistence on appending French translations to all English words, even though Americans have pretty much been up to speed on the “sauce=coulis” thing for centuries;

5. Double in size from excessive self-satisfaction, regard.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish, WTF @ 11:53 am | | Comments (0)

Yes, Virginia, there is an Amazon “Search Inside the Book” feature, but….

…how many ways can you say dabs gentian violet on ringworm?

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 11:06 am | | Comments (0)

They can conveniently add the author’s heart after the first round of reviews

Boy, when Google says snippets, they really mean snippets. (Scroll down.) If only they’d reached this* in time to create a cathartic graphic.

* Semi-related: The lost O.J. subtitles!

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 10:08 am | Tags: | Comments (0)

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