Worstwordho, we’re looking at you

Boldtype’s year-end roundup is out. Don’t forget to add your faves this year for Old Type.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Thursday, November 30, 2006 11:11 am | | Comments (0)

Won’t you be my reading recommender?

We have an unconscionable amount of work this week, and not enough black-and-white cookies in the universe to see us through. (Although our street has the bomb ones.)* Those of you who follow our travails also know that all of our stuff is in storage. That’s why we’re asking for your help, meaning, why don’t you get off your lazy asses and do some work around here, FOR ONCE. In honor of the Times Notable Bestest Notable Books Better Than Those Black & White Cookies Even GODDAMNIT, we would like to hear what you thought was the best book of the year, meaning, what should we steal from the piles of review copies lying around the apartment of the guy we’re subletting from.**

And not to get even more touchy feelier than we already are, why don’t you leave us something about yourself–who you are, what brought you to this blog today, who you think would take the crown in Joyce Carol Oates vs. Jonathan Safran Foer, UFC style, three rounds max in the three word name starting with J, second name ‘a’ sound, third name ‘o’ weight class. We’ve never asked you to tell us anything about yourselves, but we finally learned how to scroll through our referrer logs and, frankly, we know much more about you than you want us to already. (Oh, yes, 72.14.199.9, on the Firefox 2.0 platform with 4.67 megabytes of bandwidth–we’re looking at YOU.)***

We won’t be here for a week. Have fun. One woman’s evening hangs in the balance.

UPDATE: A gentle reader suggested it is hopeless for us to ask any of you to lower your exhausted digits onto a keyboard without a sizable carrot at the end of the QWERTY. FINE. Free copy of our favorite book of the year (secret!) to a randomly chosen entrant.

* Last night, we also discovered that you could get off the subway, get a slice of pizza, walk three blocks, decide you needed another slice of pizza because you had not had your daily serving of vegetables, and get a slice of broccoli pizza with ease. It’s not good, when you’re using pizza to get your daily serving of vegetables. On the plus side, it’s not vodka for the carbs. Yet.

** Speaking of the plus side, at a reading for the very talented and kind Stephen Burt, whose work you should examine, we also discovered that, OH YEAH, WE NEED READING GLASSES. This morning, we hit Ctrl+ not once but twice to get our browser text up to speed (tonight we enlarge not once but twice….wouldn’t it be awesome if you could do that for cookies, as well as various other items of import, like pizza and get your mind out the gutter?). Reader, mark this day, this sad day, this day of reckoning. Our masthead is no longer ironic.

*** This referrer log stuff is addictive. Fear not; we really can’t see who you are. HOWEVER, if you come from a law firm or publisher or school or anyone that hosts its own server, we can see that you’re visiting from, say, MIT. (And why are so many of you visiting from MIT? We are not Old Mathematician.) In these cases, we can also usually see the name of the computer, often something engagingly gaming and nerdy like, say, Myth117.

Why are we engaging in this incredibly boring object lesson, you ask? For one reason. The reader from a major publisher (don’t worry, we won’t say which) who has named her computer worstwordho IS OUR NEW HERO.

Posted by altehaggen in Uncategorized @ Monday, November 27, 2006 3:17 pm | Tags: | Comments (17)

And the Maudience Roars

Spiff.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Saturday, November 25, 2006 8:10 pm | | Comments (0)

First Up: The Golden Bowl

I was standing in the corridor talking with my boss about books, and suddenly we had a new idea: why not publish our favourite books without front covers?!

“Standing in the corridor” “talking” to your “boss” about “books”….Yes, it is not an official submission, but we are fairly certain Penguin deserves full credit for the best Highdea of the year. [via Gawker]

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Friday, November 24, 2006 12:31 pm | | Comments (0)

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME POETRY!?!?, II

It was the day after and already evening,
a couple of us still hanging on,
a few piano notes,
the same ones over and over
and the cost of everything rising —
every one of us could see between Blank’s breasts
I was secretly thinking to myself
when the candles sputtered.
Is dying worth it?

Well, perhaps war begets better fowl-themed occasional verse than turkey. At least no one said “cock”.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 11:15 am | | Comments (0)

Desperately Seeking Reading

There are many reasons not to leave the house until January 2–global warming, excessive cranberry coverage–but there are 100 especially good ones in the Times’ Notable Books of the Year list, which, despite the plaintively phrased invitation for its readers to join the forum (“Does this list make us look fat?”) is a pretty good list. (Let’s face it: ANYTHING with Arthur & George on it is a pretty good list. Are you trying to get someone to marry you? Fuck the ring; give them Arthur & George.) The 10 Best Books of the Year list comes out Nov. 29; the NBCC should be announcing its awards in March; play your cards right, and you could transition from the living-room couch straight to poolside, newest Joyce Carol Oates in hand. Hey–could you get us a Bloody Mary while you’re up? Thanks.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Thursday, November 23, 2006 12:00 pm | | Comments (1)

Sociopathology in Action

Today’s Publisher’s Lunch reports:

The Amazon page for Simpson’s book is still live, which is nice because you can still browse the results of their interactive section, in which customers created 333 discussions and 248 tags, highlighted this way:

Customers tagged this product with
First tag: pathetic Last tag: racist killer boycott(44), disgusting (28), shameful (21), murderer (16), pathetic (11), guilty (9), repulsive (9), scum (8), shame on amazon (8), sick (8), blood money (6), boycott regan books (6), evil (6), liar (6), killer (4)

Holdouts include “underdog”, “a good guide”, “right to leave his kids an inheritance,” “can’t be happier for him”, and “earned his money the hard way”–which all, incidentally, still would have made better titles.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Tuesday, November 21, 2006 4:54 pm | | Comments (0)

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME POETRY?!?!!!

pumpkin* In the poem “The Pumpkin” by 19th century poet John Greenleaf Whittier, the tradition of Thanksgiving is described as a time of remembrance and return, a celebration of abundance, both of sustenance and of love, at a family gathering.

Oh, what cute intern had to write this? It is so dumb, yet we love it so. Perhaps we will practice the exquisite art of aural torture on our family and shanghai them in their chairs to read some featured selections as they desperately try to escape to the sweet embrace of the NFL, felled by Martinelli’s and L-tryptophan. One quibble, however: What, exactly, does To a Friend Whose Work Has Come to Nothing have to do with giving thanks? Is someone talking about our pie? Here’s a hint, intern: Do not look directly into the pie.

* Not our Photoshop, by the way. What are we, high? But if we were high, HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT PICTURE BE.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, November 20, 2006 10:25 pm | | Comments (0)

Waybill

americanwayPhotoshop is awesome. That’s not what we’re here to talk about, though. In honor of the 6,427 hours of mall-walking awaiting you after Thursday (ARE YOU READY FOR SOME TURKEY!?!?!?!) we’re linking to an article we completely forgot we participated in. American Way magazine–which is, actually, the “trusted traveling companion of American Airlines”, not the split-pea-stained Xeroxed pages of a lefty commie pinko rag–asked us and a bunch of our fellow litbloggers for reading recommendations for the flyover season. (Ooops. This came out in April? Who reads in April?) We’re boring and once again went with Yates and Marquand, but everyone else has interesting recommendations that are deeply one-clickable. Use it: This will give you more time to purchase, as we recently did, three pairs of Banana Republic pants whose cuts are named, respectively, Martin, Ryan and Harrison*. Why does Banana Republic name its cuts after Scotch-drinking husbands who leave their children in boarding schools and their mistresses in the city? Because that too, friends, is the American Way. Happy shopping.

* Seriously.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Sunday, November 19, 2006 11:57 pm | | Comments (0)

And, as always, forgive us

If you’re getting popups on the site today, we apologize. We have no idea what scrap of idiocy we linked to/installed that’s making it like AOL circa 1996 up in here, but we are trying to get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, for God’s sake, install Firefox.

Posted by altehaggen in Uncategorized @ Thursday, November 16, 2006 10:12 am | Tags: | Comments (0)

We’re SORRY!

kitty
We know, we know, we promised a kitty-free blog. Sorry. [thanks a ton, ADAM]

Posted by altehaggen in WTF @ Wednesday, November 15, 2006 2:50 pm | | Comments (0)

Grant Alert

It seems unlikely that anyone with an internet connection and the means to scan this blog right now needs this, but, FYI, the PEN Writers’ Fund, which gives emergency grants to writers in financial crisis, is accepting applications up to December 1–and they still have funds to give. (No “still time for law school” jokes, please–especially because, as we descend into our third decade, there’s not.) You can also, if you are so inclined, donate to one of PEN’s many fine programs here.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 1:30 pm | | Comments (0)

Holloa!

You know we love some found poetry. Witness Webster’s Daily: a blog making use of Noah Webster’s American Dictionary of the English Language, c. 1828.

Holloa, exclam.

A word used in calling.

Among seamen, it is the answer to one that hails, equivalent to,

    I hear, and am ready.

See also the collected works of Donald Rumsfeld, who should not, in fact, keep his day job.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 1:08 pm | | Comments (0)

Now

And master are the ones invariably
Merry: Give and take quarter,
Create good meals within the slaughter,

A place for repose and laughter
In the consoling beds of being tender,
I tell them now, my son, my daughter.

It drives us completely bonkers how Poetry Daily uses neither permalinks nor RSS (that’s what you want; to make poetry not only impenetrable but ephemeral), but we have a weakness for poems, like Liam Rector’s “Now”, above, that end with “daughter.”

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 12:45 pm | | Comments (0)

Making a Killing; Or, Bacon and Ice Cream MAKES A LOT OF SENSE

For many years we swore off Court T.V. on the basis that, if their reenactments were really going to be that awful, they should go whole hog and do them in Claymation. However, a screenreading series like Murder by the Book fits in far easier with our round-the-clock Top Chef viewing, so we’re all for it. Says the friendly publicist:

Award-winning authors Michael Connelly, James Ellroy, Faye Kellerman, Jonathan Kellerman and Lisa Scottoline have each selected a case that has long captivated or touched them in some way, and in each one-hour episode, the featured author will take viewers through the facts of that case.

This upcoming week is Michael Connelly. Unrelated: Not to go all Gawker Stalker, but last night, coming up the stairs at the F stop on Second Avenue, we espied the redoubtable and highly prepossessing* Harold Dieterle descending. As one often does to the semi-semi-famous, we instinctively almost said, “Hi,” and, as the unpracticed semi-semi-famous do, he instinctively almost responded with a nod. We wish we’d had our wits about us, because had we genuinely recognized him, we could have snuck in a “Seriously. Oh, yes, Harold. For some of us: SERIOUSLY.”

* Don’t you just want to cook him a grilled-cheese sandwich and have him say it’s cliched and soggy and he doesn’t understand why you chose GRILLED CHEESE in the first place, this was the four-course pork challenge? And what if you could get Michael Kors to simultaneously tell you your shoes looked like what your grandmother would have worn to the drugstore while Tim Gunn intoned “Make it Work” somewhere in the background and Heidi ate your sandwich anyway, because that’s how it goes in the 7th month? Heaven.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 12:19 pm | | Comments (0)

A Bold Move, Cotton. Let’s See If It Pays Off*

Do you know why O.J. didn’t kill his wife?

Because he would have done it differently.

* Not to make light in the face of such base, comprehensive evil, but a free book to the reader who can name that quote. Also, we will heretofore observe a new policy: placing Reganbooks sent to this address directly in the freezer, lest they singe our fingers before filling the room with sulfur.

UPDATE: Wow, that was fast. Someone else with On Demand and way too much time on her hands–as the Russians say, Privyat, sister! Ellen, send us your address; a free copy of a mysterious, NON-REGAN book will be winging its way to you.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 10:53 am | | Comments (4)

Next stop: Caketrain 4

cakeWe’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: It’s not November until you’ve bought a Pittsburgh-based literary magazine with an old white guy giving bunny ears to an orange skull on its cover. IT’S JUST NOT. Our publishers are up to no good; please continue to enable them and us and for god’s sake if you haven’t bought our book buy it we don’t want to tell you again.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, November 13, 2006 10:29 pm | | Comments (0)

In November

Outside the house the wind is howling
and the trees are creaking horribly.
This is an old story
with its old beginning

In lieu of our own content, and in honor of the cold (finally), today a poem by Lisel Mueller. [Thanks to Richard and Victoria]

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 10:40 am | | Comments (2)

A Writer’s Almanac

I miss my stepmother. What a thing to say
but it’s true. The prince is so boring: four
hours to dress and then the cheering throngs.
Again. The page who holds the door is cute
enough to eat. Where is he once Mr. Charming
kisses my forehead goodnight?

We’re not super-big fans of the Writer’s Almanac or anything, but a very nice poem today, both aloud and on the page. (Who DOESN’T love anything Transformations-esque? Oh, you love it. Yes you do. Shut up.) But more important, today is apparently the birthday of the man we must consider the patron saint of this site: John P. Marquand (scroll left and down for reviews; or just Google for occasional rapturous asides). You know what we’re going to say. Buy all his books. Jesus. Did you know he has so many books? Actually, buy Old Hag all of his books. She will lend them to you.

Ed, Ed, R.I.P. P.S., we actually liked the earring.

And last, we just want to direct your attention to the lower-right hand corner there, where, oh yeah, an ad for PRIME SUSPECT IS ON THE SITE! This is a great, great day in the history of Old Hag, and we hope all of you will be sitting in your seats Sunday night to watch the greatest female detective (in Britain at least; we have other faves here) hang up her holster. If you have no idea what we’re talking about, FOR GOD’S SAKE, hie thee to the video store, or wherever the kids go nowadays.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Friday, November 10, 2006 10:22 am | | Comments (5)

The Morale Majority; Or, Friends, Readers, Blogendom: Lend us your links!

But the Democrats’ 2006 agenda has one great virtue: It tries to promise a handful of sensible steps (ethics reforms, a minimum wage increase, pay-as-you-go rules, the 9/11 Commission recommendations) that a new majority can actually deliver. Each of those promises is an opportunity to make a modest repayment on the trust that has just been given them.

We don’t care what anyone says; that was an offensive win. A defensive win. Whatever the one is when you win only because the other guy sucks so hard.* We were galvanized before, but now we are filled with terror that the Dems will once again begin their ritual “We Don’t Want to Win, Really! No, SERIOUSLY” dance in red-suited Semaphore. So today, we’re just going to read everything in Slate. And all that crap in the sidebar. And Maud. And Ed. And James, bygod! Will you join us? How about posting your best links on our fucking rout and what it means for all of humanity? Yes, yes, yes–we will be self-selectively pushing ourselves further into partisanship and misunderstanding. But if you can’t enjoy a little partisan nooky after kicking the elephant out of the bedroom**, when can you? (Cousin David, you can post some links too, just to keep us honest.) And if our latest wordfinder/Darcy contest gets more hits, we will know that not only is our country doomed, but that MacFadyen is hotter, whatever you bitches say.

* Okay, everyone, including the President, says that. Just loan us a straw man for a sec.
** We were concerned at first that this metaphor was too clunky but decided upon reflection it is BRILLIANT. Seriously, try it.

Posted by altehaggen in The Man @ Thursday, November 9, 2006 11:34 am | | Comments (1)

Next page