The Long Arm of the Brothers in Brothers in Brothers in Law

Tired of us talking about teen novels? Allow us to switch into nepotistic mode! The third segment of Pale Force, painstakingly constructed by cartoonist Paul Noth and Hot Pocket-hater Jim Gaffigan, airs tonight (Thursday) on Conan.

Posted by altehaggen in General @ Thursday, April 27, 2006 9:24 am | | Comments (0)

Again, just for the record, we’re INCLUDING ourselves in that “mediocre” in there

Whew! Just to break in, because….uh…..whew! Hot damn.

Apparently we are neither for Kaavya Viswanathan or against her—but we are TOTALLY against teen writers.

Again, whoops. Because we thought we were being called in for one tertiary quote, there, not an ars teenetica. Still, it’s totally the reporter’s prerogative to slant us a little — and WELL done, young man, no offense taken. But to clarify:

1. We didn’t work for 17th street; we worked for GLC, jointly owned by the publisher of 17th Street and the publisher of another successful packager–they were college buddies. (We’re not going to list their names here because we’re sure they’re being bugged enough already; you can Google it and find out pretty easily, if you care.) We were in the offices of 17th Street and did pretty much the same thing they did with different series and projects, took part in editorial meetings, thought up this series title (which everyone HATED and the client LOVED), and unsuccessfully tried to get “Surface Tension” into an SVU title.

2. “A packager basically serves as both the writer and editor of a book,” Skurnick said in a phone interview. “The advantage for a publishing house is they don’t have to do anything — they don’t have to design the book, they don’t have to think about a concept…. They can just say, ‘Here’s $80,000 for twelve of these books.’ They don’t have to do any of the work.” We meant that in a win-win way, not a GODDAMN THOSE FUCKING PUBLISHERS ARE LAZY way.

3. “The picture Skurnick paints of 17th Street and similar packaging firms suggests a contemporary publishing world that has more in common with market-driven, assembly-line industrial production than any traditional notions of the tortured, solitary artist.” Again, not really packager’s fault–or something packagers have exactly, uh, captured the market on, so to speak. Also, tortured artists suck.

4. “How Sweet Valley High came into being,” Skurnick explained to the Indy, “was Francine Pascal came to them with a concept for probably six books, and what was 17th Street Productions at the time — they might have had a different name — sold all six to Random House, and the books took off. What happens to a tremendously popular series like that is that a publisher will renew it, and they’ll renew it for, let’s say, 12 books for that year. But they’ll say, ‘Oh, we want to change it’ — ‘Now they’re in high school,’ or ‘Now they’re going to be witches.’ All sorts of things; whatever keeps them selling.” This is, like, the most haphazard and rambling and semi-incomplete description of packaging, like, ever. Glosses and corrections welcome. And we blame ourselves. And we LIKE things, by the way, that keep selling. And witches.

5. “In my case, I was a former editor at the [17th Street] office where books are farmed out to. But there’s a whole network of writers who mostly do this kind of book,” Skurnick said, referring to scribes who churn out new installments long after a series’ original author has dropped out of the picture. As “work-for-hire” employees with usually no royalty or copyright claims on their output, many of these writers labor with the hopes of gaining the connections that might land them a project of their own. Skurnick explained, “They write books that already exist in series, they pitch series themselves, they pitch standalones, they sort of exist in this netherworld in which they have a relationship with the packager and then, maybe eventually, they’ll have a relationship with the publisher…” Again, we’re not sure this netherworld was a netherworld in a bad way. For some people (=us), writing various books in a series as a side job is HANDY. Working on many levels in the publishing industry simultaneously is handy. Series scribes and series pitchers aren’t pathetic, they’re scrappy. Also, it can be incredibly lucrative. (We have actually always wondered if Ziegesar pitched this series as an employee and, if so, how she managed to retain the damn rights. Anyone with that story, please step forward.)

6. “Because, as Skurnick continued, publishers seeking to maximize earnings on their properties (such as the book rights to television shows like Alias) know exactly where to turn. “The publisher [goes to the packager] and says, ‘You do this, because it’s faster…’ A place like 17th Street really knows what they’re doing with series.”” If we’re not mistaken, we were actually just trying to clarify who had gone to whom in this case, something we don’t know. Packagers sell to publishers, not the other way around. But an agent would certainly be psyched to place a teen book with 17th street, we imagine. There is no way the publisher went to 17th and said “fix this.” But a publisher would conceivably be happy to see a manuscript PITCHED by 17th, starmakers as they are.

Also, the Alias books didn’t have anything to do with 17th–but the editor who worked on other series with 17th got some writers’ names for the series from that connection.

7. “But what about a work like Opal Mehta — a first novel that cannot be openly farmed out to ghostwriters…” So nothing that would ever happen. If a publisher/packager thought the writing was so bad, they’d either work with the author or the book wouldn’t happen. We have rewritten books for series, but that’s ghostwriter writing over ghostwriter—akin to one editor writing over another at a mag in the editing process. Also, it’s completely done openly—as is “ghostwriting”, for that matter. Hence the good old “created by Francine Pascal.”

8. “For her part, Skurnick thinks that the realities of the market, not any malicious plagiarism by Viswanathan, may account for the similarities with Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings. “They seem like very brief and stupid phrases to copy,” Skurnick said after reading the passages in question. “I’m sure the same phrases are in like 20 teen novels…I think in the case of teen fiction, obviously there are stock characters, there’s a stock plot often, there’s sort of these stock areas — the boy, the body, the family, the friend.”” Again, we haven’t read these books. (Such a red flag! Damn! We never wanted to be this person!) But the phrases seem like unlikely ones to rip. Also, if you gave us these scenes, we would write them the same way, and, as an editor at a teen girls’ mag, we do see so much of the same phrasing all the time in the fiction submissions and in the books that come in over the transom–the equivalent of rhyming “rain” and “pain” in a rock song.

Our point: Has anyone read the 2,000 OTHER teen novels published that year? Any critic of the author should read at least 20, then get back to us.

9. “Skurnick continued, “The impulse at a place like the 17th Street is to have a house voice. There are just reams and reams of stuff that’s written… It’s unavoidable that certain phrases will be recycled or said in a certain way… Often what you’ll find is that, it’s not that anyone is copying, it’s just that [these phrases] are the first things a mediocre writer would reach for.”” Mediocre was harsh. In any case, we include ourselves. Let’s massage that to ‘any writer writing for the genre‘, which is more what we meant. And yes, though we don’t have Naomi’s issues with the genre, no one is writing any teenage lesbos like they used to.

10. “It sounds like the market is geared to a certain type of book, and [17th Street] just worked on that with her, and some stuff slipped though — God knows why… But I have to say, [as a] teen editor, you just see the same shit over and over again.” ….Mmmkay, yeah. Well, you do.

In any case, we’re sorry 17th Street is catching any shit for this. Packaging does not, apparent conventional wisdom aside, involve taking a budding author and having her sit down in a room and copy 40 awesome scenes from bestsellers of yore. Nor is it a mind-warp scheme that yields $500,000 checks from those poor dupes at Little, Brown and other major houses on a monthly basis. It’s all anyone there can do to stay drunk until 3. Seriously.

UPDATE: Apparently, boys work at 17th Street. When we were there, there was only one, and he was named “Leslie”. Way to scoop it, Slate.

DOUBLE UPDATE: We forgot. Our own reminiscences.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Wednesday, April 26, 2006 1:04 pm | | Comments (1)

I failed you

NO, not because I’ve been posting my bedtime reading suggestions well after bedtime, but because I didn’t post about this saving-the-world essay contest (scroll down, and thanks, Daily Show, for the tip) before the deadline. Sorry. Next time, OK? In the meantime, you were looking for a new market for your work, right? Well, get cracking.

Posted by liam callanan in General @ 9:50 am | | Comments (0)

Turnoff week : 2

A turnoff: the plagiarizing Harvard novelist (LOVE that she’s called the “Harvard novelist”); a revelation: TOH herself and I disagree on this point; she’s sympathetic to the hapless author, or at least more so than I. We’ll monitor this divide shortly and let you know just how soon it will be that your otherwise genial guestblogger gets kicked to the curb.

(Late Tuesday update: Foodfight! And here I was wondering why the plagiaree was taking this all so mildly. (Full disclosure: I’m a Random House author myself, though from a completely different part of their world. (Do you get fussy like this on blogs, btw? “Full disclosure”? I mean, if so, then: full disclosure: I went to Yale, the arch-enemy of plagiarizing Harvard sophomore novelists everywhere. And so did TOH. Go to Yale, I mean. And neither of us has ever been given a $500,000 advance for anything. So we have axes to grind.)))

But no, this is TV Turnoff Week, so we’re sticking to our knitting and continuing to cough up a children’s book a night for you to oppress your children with.

(And you say: you’re late, my kids are already in bed!)

(To which I say: wake ‘em up! It’s never too late for literature.)

Today’s book is Music for Alice, by the breathtaking Allen Say. Say’s books are beautiful, beautiful, and–if the word isn’t disturbing, then maybe unsettling will do. They’re unsettling largely because they look like children’s books, picture books, but Say’s books always take on complex, even ugly topics, and examine them unflinchingly.

For the most part, Music for Alice is a gentle read, though it, too, has its surprises — not least that it’s based on a true story. HM’s site says it’s grade 5-8, but that didn’t keep my 6-year-old from grabbing it off the shelf at the library. As for me, I’m just relieved/thrilled for once to read a picture book where the last page involves the central character dancing, instead of going to sleep (however emulatively helpful a plot device that may be).

(You were disappointed with the ax-grinding link, weren’t you? Ok, fine.)

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Tuesday, April 25, 2006 9:34 pm | | Comments (0)

Turnoff Week

Wherein we list one turnoff per day? Hmm. Interesting idea. But we’ll leave that for the lesser blogs.

Here at The Old Hag, we are still stoking the fires, tending the sheep, killing the calves and darning socks and whatever else you’re supposed to do while the master is out. YES, SHE’S STILL GONE. And: YES, SHE’S LEFT CARE OF THIS BEAUTIFUL BLOG in my insufficient hands. But, here’s a new innovation for week 20 of our mutual exile: I will stop apologizing for my guest-bloggery and just get on with it.

Fly High, Fly Low: It’s TV turnoff week, folks, and that means we’re doing a children’s book a day. (And look, you kidfree hipsters, if that’s too low-brow or no-brow for you, then go ahead and submit a 1500-word story to L Magazine‘s fiction contest/barfest, and then let us know how it goes. The event is Thursday night, in Manhattan, and all us married writer-’rents know the dirty little secret of you young and singlers: if you’d not read this post, you’d have absolutely nothing to do Thursday night.)

Where were we? Ah. Tonight, in honor of TV turnoff week, read Don Freeman’s Fly High, Fly Low with your kids. You know Freeman because you’ve read Corduroy to your kids, and you had it read to you back in the day. But if you’ve not read FHFL, you’re in for a treat. I found it at City Lights in San Francisco, which makes sense, because it’s a paean to San Francisco — a decades-old San Francisco, anyway — and parenthood.

Sweet dreams.

PS It’s worth tracking down Freeman’s autobiography — Come One, Come All — an orphan, he came to New York to be a musician, lost his trumpet on a subway, got his start in children’s books from…William Saroyan?

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Monday, April 24, 2006 8:52 pm | | Comments (0)

What kind of car do you drive anyway?

Is the best question I’ve ever received after a reading. It was at Washington, DC’s Ballou High School, whose students also asked me to autograph my books on the jacket flap, over my picture. One of my favorite readings ever.

And another favorite reading — and another reason why this FoTOH has been silent for going on 48 hours — was in Richmond, Virginia Wednesday night. I Know — i should have posted word here so all you TOHagians could have gotten in your cars and driven to see me, but I am too HUMBLE. In any case, the New Virginia Review’s incomparable Mary Flinn invited me to town to cap off their Poetic Principles series, which consists of Pulitzer Prize winning poets and…me.

I read at the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts’ Pauley Center — better known as –yes, there was such a thing — the former Confederate Widows Home — which still housed such as recently as a decade ago.

Q. Did Alan Gurganus ever do a reading of The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All here?

A. Why aren’t you asking questions about me? About my car?

More about Richmond, Washington, DC — where FoTOHOTR — Friend of Old Hag on the Road — is now — and points inbetween to follow soon enough.

In the meantime, thanks to Avis, I am driving a sky-blue Buick LeSabre, the choice of poets and grandparents everywhere.

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Friday, April 21, 2006 8:58 am | | Comments (0)

Brooklyn Sestina (today’s writing prompt)

Don’t get your hopes up with this post’s suggestively poetic title. TOH is ill–not gravely, folks, just laid low, don’t send flowers, just buy her book and cheer her up!–and so I shall continue my daily task of making you miss her all the more.

“Brooklyn Sestina” is the title of of a short story in Alice Mattison’s latest, lovely intersecting story collection, In Case We’re Separated. I’ve been a fan of hers ever since “We Two Grown-ups” (whose first paragraph I’ve been using for a decade as a writing prompt with students) appeared in The New Yorker (it was later collected in Men Giving Money, Women Yelling).

But what’s cool–and maybe I’m just being a totally nerdy English major here–is the author’s note at the end:

“This book’s thirteen stories imitate in prose the thirteen stanzas of a double sestina, using repeated topics or tropes in something like the way a sestina…uses repeated words. In the changing order prescribed by the sestina pattern, each story includes a glass of water, a sharp point, a cord, a mouth, an exchange, and a map that may be wrong.”

So that’s your writing assignment today. Write a book. In sestina format. Or give us 7 items and I’ll have Lizzie write it. Or read the Best American-winning title story of the collection. Or read this fave Elizabeth Bishop sestina. Or nominate other collections of “intersecting stories” for the TOH bookshelf.

(Where’s the usual wacky Milwaukee/midwest navel-gazing you’ve come to expect from your pinch-hitter? Look, it’s Severe Weather Awareness Week here, so we’re kind of busy, AND I was sequestered in a monastery all weekend, so — well, I guess there’s your wacky Milwaukee dose right there. More to follow.)

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Monday, April 17, 2006 2:03 pm | | Comments (0)

Shock-jocking the Grundy County dead [in toto]

Like I said, fair’s fair, and the challenge put out was to ignore the SF Chronicle Magazine’s admonition — “Topics we’re not so interested in include bouts with illness, death of a parent or loved one (unless you’re Dave Eggers), childhood memories of Playland-at-the-Beach, children’s charming antics, special pet stories and childhood sports memories” — and instead, write a piece that included bouts with illness, the death of a parent, childhood memories of Playland-at-the-Beach, charming antics, childhood sports memories and Dave Eggers. Because I believe in setting the bar very low, I thought I’d go first and give my essay a lousy title (see post headline).

(Note to coffee breakers: this ain’t a quick one.)

(Note to TOH true fans: again, I’m just the guest-blogger, Ms. Liz will be back before you know it, just as soon as she extracts herself from yet another messy situation, of the sort that constantly plagues world class lit-bloggers.)

*

My wife’s grandmother lived on the same street as Des Moines’ leading afternoon drivetime DJ, who came on just after Rush Limbaugh and shared with Grandmother Wood a love of all things Republican, and tomatoes.

We had that much in common, then. I loved garden-grown tomatoes, too. My wife, the granddaughter, not so much. When she was a toddler, she’d turned up her nose at some tomatoes – she turned up her nose at most food during childhood, apparently – and Grandmother Wood, in this case and all others, a force to be reckoned with, force-fed her a good-sized portion of some raw, red, fleshy, height-of-summer tomatoes. To this day, my wife will not eat tomatoes unless someone else has bravely gone ahead and smashed and cooked them beyond recognition.

The thing is, Grandmother Wood was right about those tomatoes. I mean, if you’ve ever tasted a tomato straight from the garden, mid-July, you know how extraordinary they are. I’m not sure I’d go the force-feeding route; I’d sooner eat them all myself. But I can see why someone would be so incredulous that her own genes weren’t correctly manifesting themselves in a young child’s palate.

And Grandmother Wood was right about everything else, too. She left Iowa to get a degree from Wellesley in the 1920s, returning with a degree and education that took her around the state, around the world. A woman with knowledge could do anything, and this is something she exemplified, and inculcated in her granddaughters. One of the ways she put her education to use was by including reading and “correcting” the manuscript of my first novel.

Because I was a thoroughgoing Catholic, because I was Irish (a drunkard), because I spent much of my childhood at Playland-at-the-Beach, or its successor, the entire State of California, because I knew as much about baseball—one of her passions—as I did the surface of Pluto, and especially because I’d proposed to her oldest son’s oldest daughter without asking the oldest son for permission first, I had a lot to overcome to win her approval.

[C'mon, click that "more..." -- there's a weird cemetery scene and everything still to come!]

(more…)

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Thursday, April 13, 2006 1:42 pm | | Comments (0)

Shock jocking the Grundy County dead

1. Yes, I posted yesterday (Wednesday). I take this guest-blogging thing very seriously.
2. No, I won’t be posting this weekend. At the recommendation of fellow, finer dairyland author Dean Bakopoulos, I’m retreating to a monastery to finish-finish the next novel, All Saints. (What, I was supposed to go to Vegas?)
2a. Yes, Lizzie does have a weird predilection for us way-too-Catholic guest-bloggers.
2b. Yes, the monastery has a website.
2c. No, I’m not linking to it. Go stalk Garrison Keillor instead!
3. What’s with this post’s headline? I’ve got my own entry to the “nobody but Dave Eggers” essay contest, and it’s designed to tide you over until I, or, one hopes, the artful Old Hag herself, returns. I’ll post it in a bit.

Say hi to the Easter Bunny this weekend for me, all you animists!

* * *

Posted by liam callanan in General @ 10:11 am | | Comments (1)

Write every day!

Blogs, anyway, at least when you’re pinch-hitting like me.

A long day in the classroom, so only time to link to birthday greetings to Tom, Scott & Bev, all of whom are feted today (Weds.) at Garrison Keillor’s Writers Almanac, but only Scott gets the good quote :

It’s the birthday of Scott Turow, born in Chicago (1949). He wanted to be a writer from an early age and got into a writing program at Stanford. But he was newly married and living on food stamps, and he said, “It finally dawned on me that I was not James Joyce.”

Dislike Mr. Keillor for whatever private reasons you may like (I cannot, because I know his secret: sure, he broadcasts from Minnesota, but he lives here in America’s promised land, Wisconsin [Don't believe me? It's not like he's unlisted, folks. And no, I didn't call.]) — but you must admire him for that “a writing program at Stanford” business. To paraphrase WC Williams: so much depends on an indefinite article. Anyway, the place has been headed straight downhill since James Joyce graduated.

(Note to stalwarts: I know, linking to Garrison Keillor is not exactly going to polish TOH’s iconoclastic reputation. But I’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime, get back to Googlefighting. (But before you click, guess who wins: Garrison Keillor vs. Scott Turow?)

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Wednesday, April 12, 2006 10:40 pm | | Comments (1)

Sorry, just me

The great thing about guest-blogging for the Old Hag is that she’s always dropping back in, so there’s no need for the GB to be funny or anything, or provide links to other fine blogs, or raise an eyebrow about the latest literary mudwrestle (Ben Yagoda v. Michiko Kakutani: but the real question is, is BY being courageous, crazy or crass? As for who’s the winner, we’ll leave that to the highbrow umpires at GoogleFight.)

(Who the hell am I? Just a FoTOH and pinch-hitter. Don’t be alarmed; she’ll be back soon.)

Instead, we can focus on what we used to call in the corporate world, our core competency: and mine is trackless musings informed by the utterances of my children and experiences in Lutheran church basements.

First of all: Ken? I won the prize. I went to the Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church last week, to judge the Milwaukee Bonsai Society’s Group Slash contest in the activity room, I bought a soda from the machine, and my can had an X on the bottom of it.

A lot of people would take a big black X on your Fresca as a bad sign, but at Grace, as the sign says, “See Ken, you’ve won a prize!”

Problem: no one knew who Ken was. Probably because that night, the room was full of miniature arborists, not Lutherans.

Every year the MBS apparently invites a celebrity guest judge for its Group Slash competition. I’m not sure what part of that sentence needs more explaining, although I’m guessing it’s the ‘celebrity’ part. See, in Milwaukee, guest blogging for TOH means you totally rate. (If TOH visited — actually, she has — well, they’d throw a parade in her honor.) So I was selected to judge the group’s Group Slash contest which is exactly what it sounds like, a lot of semi-strangers with sharp objects facing each other down across tables. In the middle of each table, a hapless plant or shrub, selected earlier that day from a nursery or backyard precisely for their haplessness. The contest? In one hour, make the plant-thing into a Bonsai work of art.

To add to the degree of difficulty, I invited a producer from our excellent public radio station to come cover the event, because why should This American Life have all the fun? I’m no pro, but listening in on the material he was getting, I’d say he secured his future Emmy not 3 minutes into the taping.

Because it was fabulous, this Bonsai thing. These people, all of whom were incredibly different, hovering around trees: elementary school teachers, truck drivers, college students, little kids, grandmothers, union carpenters, men with gray ponytails, women with buzz cuts, and just about every racial and/or ethnic group in Milwaukee represented. Fascinating.

And they snipped and stripped and twisted and cut. I learned: that bonsai trees are just like regular trees; they only grow small because they’re kept in pots and constantly trimmed; that the first thing to decide when chopping up a tree is where its front is, and when you find the front, you mark it with a golf tee so you don’t forget; that one of the things you look for in a front or or aim for with shears is to get the tree to bow, or reach toward you; that, if Ken were around, he would have awarded me a free custard at Leon’s as my black X prize.

But no matter. Because the better prize was this, back at that three minute mark of taping. That’s when the past president of the MBS was being interviewed, a retired architect this president, and after three minutes of protesting that there was just no way this story would work on the radio, he told a story about visiting a senior center, giving them a demonstration. And after his 45 minute talk, everyone clapped, and someone finally raised their hand and said, that was great, now I know all about bonsai, but the truth is, I’ve been blind all my life and I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. So the p. president, nervous, winged it and had him come up to the front of the room and took both his hands, and drew his fingers across the moss-green lawn around the tiny tree, and then crawled them up the trunk, and finally feathered his fingers through the limbs and branches and leaves.

And then the bonsai president said, um…so that’s bonsai. And the man said: no, that’s a tree, and for the first time in my life, I understand what a tree is.

The president said he’d never heard of Raymond Carver’s story “Cathedral“, which surprised me. But then, everything about the Group Slash competition, everything about Milwaukee, and literary blogging, surprises me.

*

And if I’ve got you climbing trees, cross your fingers, folks! She’ll be back any minute…

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Tuesday, April 11, 2006 2:33 pm | | Comments (2)

We would have preferred “In ‘Line’ [Bwa-ha!] at the DMV,” but no one listens to us

Hag breaking in briefly here: We know. You’ve been dying for a panel on poetry. DUDE! WHAT! ABOUT! A! PANEL! ON! CRITICS! WHO! WRITE! IT! So pull on your clean pants, friend. Tonight Housing Works presents Crossing the DMZ: Critics Who Write Poetry, otherwise known as “Muse or Abuse?” Deets below:

In partnership with the National Book Critics Circle, we are proud to celebrate National Poetry Month with Crossing the DMZ: Critics Who Write Poetry. Join Adam Kirsch, Meghan O’Rourke, Stephen Burt, and David Orr* for a panel on the Jeykll & Hyde life of being poet-critics. Editor and poet Deb Garrison will moderate the panel, and coax the critics into reading (and critiquing?) their own.**

We sneaked-peaked our pal David’s rhymes, and he is well worth a trip and a whoot-whoot. Also, since last time we checked, most poets DO write criticism, guess who’s going to get their panties in an uproar about suddenly being “a critic who writes poetry.”

* We were hoping that the entire panel would force the ‘critics’ to write ‘poems’ as ‘critiques’, but no one could beat this anyway.
** We know, these bio links are lame. Technorati the parties in question to hear the bloggas screaming, Clarice.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, April 10, 2006 10:53 am | | Comments (2)

Imperfect Storm

Just to be contrarian, instead of reading the NYT Sunday Book Review to blog about today, I read the Saturday Wall Street Journal Book Review. Which allowed me to come across one of the all-time nightmare reviews, in this case of Sebastian Junger’s new book, A Death in Belmont, which sounds cool, and definitely has a cool cover (I’m all about covers right now, as we’re wrestling over my next; my daughters favor something with Dora the Exlporah.) Where’s the nightmare come in? In keeping with current trends to have subject-experts review books instead of say, people who just like to read, the WSJ assigned Junger’s book — which makes a case for wrongful conviction — to a district attorney from Oregon. Who worked a bit harder than most reviwers to earn his paycheck — he not only read Junger’s previous books, he also called up many of the figures named in the current volume to, um, fact check? Cough. Like any good prosecutor, he’s got a killer opening and a end, but my jury’s still out ’til I read the book itself. (Sorry, the best I can do linkwise so far is this…)

Posted by liam callanan in General @ 10:14 am | | Comments (0)

Fridays, we post about monkeys

We’ve no idea why The Old Hag’s proprietress has asked us to only post about monkeys on Fridays, but we are merely an invited guest here, so we do what we’re told.

We’re going to try to make the best of it by pointing you to a site that, one hopes, you’ve already made extensive use of: CareerBuilder’s Monk-e-mail, which allows you to send animated monkey messages to the recipients of your choosing. Of all the messages I’ve received this way, however, none has ever put the monkeys in the service of poetry, which seems scandalous during national poetry month. Please spend a productive few minutes then, getting a monkey to read the beginning of TS Eliot’s “Little Gidding” (the last of the Four Quartets) aloud. You’ll feel spiritually richer for it.

For cutting and pasting purposes:
Midwinter spring is its own season
Sempiternal though sodden towards sundown,
Suspended in time, between pole and tropic.
When the short day is brightest, with frost and fire,
The brief sun flames the ice, on pond and ditches,
In windless cold that is the heart’s heat,
Reflecting in a watery mirror
A glare that is blindness in the early afternoon.

Alternatively, you can settle the debate, who’s better, John Donne or John Grisham, by using the famous Food-Eating Battle Monkeys tool.

While you are thus engaged, I shall petition the bloggy powers that be for permission to report in full about my Tuesday night gig here in The New Seattle, which involved me serving as Celebrity Guest Judge for the Milwaukee Bonsai Society’s Group Slash competition. No m0nkeys, but still a good time.

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Friday, April 7, 2006 12:21 pm | | Comments (0)

Today’s writing assignment

So hullo to the five readers who remain with the blog whenever the hag-in-chief absconds. We have much to discuss before she returns, including why the NCAA Final Four this year was actually determined by the respective school’s writing programs, and, of course, my deep-seated need to update you on all the goings-on in the New Seattle, Milwaukee. Such as: Sunday headline in the otherwise fine Journal-Sentinel:We’re number one at killing rats!” Which, far from being a completely outlandish, ridiculous above-the-fold thing to report on is actually part of an ongoing seriesin the paper, about Things We Can Boast of Even if the Packers Lose. Take, as another example, the piece the paper ran on Super Bowl Sunday, when Packer Fans were drowing their sorrows in Miller High Life: The headline? “Loyal Flush”. The lede, possibly the best lede a writer has ever sneaked past a Saturday night copyeditor: “It’s our own super bowl: When America flushes, Wisconsin wins” — because, apparently we’re the world’s largest producer of toilet paper, air freshener, and, just up the road–toilet seats. Which is why if my new school, the school that sometimes leads Harvard to call itself, “UWM by the Charles”, if we panthers had romped and gone all the way to the final four, you would have seen us wearing not cheeseheads but pottyheads.

And you would have thought we were so cool you would have joined in.

But that’s not the writing prompt. This is. Doing my writerly best to capitalize on others’ successes last week, I pitched an essay to the San Francisco Chronicle about how George Mason was going to sweep the tournament because–stand by for the killer hook here–they were the most Californian of the teams playing. I had three solid points, not to mention my own Californian childhood to back this up. Heard nothing, nothing at all, which I didn’t fully understand–don’t they know I’m a guest-blogger (try explaining that gig to your mom — and no, that’s not the writing prompt either, and yes, I am getting to it) — until I finally read the fine print on their site (specifically, the site of the Chronicle‘s magazine:

Topics we’re not so interested in include bouts with illness, death of a parent or loved one (unless you’re Dave Eggers), childhood memories of Playland-at-the-Beach, children’s charming antics, special pet stories and childhood sports memories.”

Now, I thought I’d successfully followed their submission guidelines, until I realized: I’m not Dave Eggers. (And yes, it really does say that.)

So here’s your challenge: write a piece that includes bouts with illness, the death of a parent, childhood memories of Playland-at-the-Beach, charming antics, childhood sports memories and Dave Eggers. The best piece wins a copy of TOH’s astoundaroony book of poetry, Check-In, signed by the author and countersigned by me. FYI, if you publish the piece in the Chronicle, points will be deducted.

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Thursday, April 6, 2006 12:25 pm | | Comments (1)

We are so back

Lizzie’s kind and dim pinch-hitter here, to guest blog while TOH herself finishes her redesign of the NY Times home page, which is shocking only in the amount of attention it’s received. So we won’t link to it. But we will link to Jhumpa Lahiri’s extraordinary story, “A Temporary Matter,” which truly is shocking, not least because it appears on the Times site in full, for free. Those pregnant, with heart conditions, underage, do NOT read: the page’s design scheme is way, way out of date.

Posted by liam callanan in General @ Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:28 pm | | Comments (1)