We suck. We have no posted in a blogga’s age, and we are TERRIBLE at logic. Please help our friend get a good entry in her contest, and we will reward you with some O.H. content, since lord knows you’ve probably been breaking out into rashes and yelling at spouses right and left and shit for the lack thereof.
We’re going to once again call out to Radosh to loan some of his thinkers for it–spesh since Jeepers IS actually a New Yorker cartoonist and has done ALL SHE CAN to bring “Go fuck yourself” to life in the captions of that fine magazine.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Wednesday, March 22, 2006 12:20 pm | |
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We don’t know how we feel about Microsoft just blatantly ripping off Google. Like how we feel about the Democrats waking up and suddenly using the Republicans’ false but effective tactics against them to the extent that the Republicans JOIN IN? Like how we feel about Sasha Cohen falling on her ass twice, then making beautiful lutzes forever? Like how we feel about Safeway installing a erzatz Trader Joe’s section right in their vegetable aisle so we don’t have to haul ass to…OH, RIGHT. WE LOVE IT.
Posted by altehaggen in The Man @ Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:14 am | |
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We are not going to able to make it up to go, but if you’re in NYC tonight, DO head over to see Rob Walker at what will, in the author’s own words, “almost certainly be the one and only public event in support” of the amazingadingding Letters from New Orleans in New York City:
Rob Walker reads from, discusses, and perhaps answers questions about his essay collection Letters From New Orleans*, covering such topics as celebratory gunfire, urban decay, the relationship between people and places, and the pros and cons of masking.
March 14, 2006. A Tuesday. 7 pm.
Mo Pitkins
34 Avenue A
All author proceeds from Letters from New Orleans go to relief organizations. Details about the book at can be found at the author’s website.
Eat a po’ boy for us.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 9:14 am | |
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This is like People‘s Most Beautiful People of the Year, for people with self-inflicted myopia.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, March 13, 2006 2:34 pm | |
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This is it. You won’t have the Old Hag to kick around anymore. That is, at least not for a few days, as we’re off to Austin for THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!! (See that guitar? That…neon thing? Writers will be ROCKING OUT.) We asked Schaubie to do a guide to Austin for us neophytes, but we’ve been too busy writing lipstick copy to see if he did it. In any case, we’ve been told the conference center’s bar serves liquor. Go figure.
Anyway, to tide you over for the weekend, we’re featuring an excerpt from a novel entitled All Saints by the now infamous Liam Callanan. See how excited he got when we told him he was going to be on the blog:

His publisher has not finalized the cover yet, but we’ve been told they’re going to be working from this:

We’re worried it might be too subtle for some readers, but, as our grandmother said, face paint can never be too subtle. Here’s the wrapup in the author’s own words:
These selections are from a novel, entitled All Saints, set to launch into an unsuspecting public about a year from now. The narrator is Emily Hamilton, single and 50 and teaching at a co-ed Catholic high school in Orange County, California. She has issues.
Yes. So far Teaser has been all about saints and Catholics, which may be the same thing; we’re not sure. We’re surmising that this is because Catholics reproduce more, hence producing more writers. We’re looking into some Jews, possibly some black folks, for the next one, if we can swing it. Stay tuned.*
*P.S. For those of you who have come this far and may go yet farther, Liam will be reading on Saturday at 1:30 SOMEWHERE in Austin. It should be on the conference schedule. We’re going to be reading from this at some point on Friday in Austin–but, as the song goes, we can’t remember where or when. (Really.) And, since we’re kind of a nervous, skittery reader, do come by and shoot spitballs. Check out the Caketrain table on the books level for more info, or just look around for the really hot girl. She probably won’t know what you’re talking about.
A dark NY scene. [The author left this in here. FYI, it is IRONIC. What follows is not. —Ed.]
I had my first religious vision in midtown Manhattan. My first, and with the way things have gone, probably my last as well. It was about 3 o’clock in the morning, maybe later, maybe earlier, I’m not sure it really matters at that time of night. I’d been in New Rochelle for the evening, visiting a pair of nuns I knew, Maryknoll sisters, Claire and Barbara, who taught there, at the College of New Rochelle. Beautiful women. Sane, grounded women, who knew how to live—who knew, for example, never to let the day pass without a glass of wine, who knew wearing a habit wouldn’t get you a seat on the subway but would sometimes get you a seat on Broadway, who knew war was war even if leaders didn’t call it that, even if most of the fighting was done between men with guns and women with children. Claire and Barbara served in El Salvador in the early 1980s. They were close friends with the three American nuns who were abducted, raped and murdered. Claire and Barbara’s story wasn’t as widely reported, as they didn’t die; it was much more mundane. Claire put a hand to the shoulder of a man who was raping a 13-year-old girl in the back of the orphanage. The man cut off Claire’s hand with a machete. And then, because the man knew they were nuns, and wanted to prove that he, too, was a man of some religious learning, he cut off Barbara’s left ear, just as Peter cut off the servant’s ear in the garden of Gethsemane, in a vain attempt to keep the soldiers from arresting Jesus.
Surely, Claire and Barbara must have screamed. There would have been gasps of pain, tears. But none of the accounts of those in attendance—the girl, the man’s subalterns, other men and women of the village—mention tears or screams. Instead, they all say that Barbara stood against the man and stared and slowly, so slowly, turned her cheek, to expose her remaining ear. And they cite Claire stepping in front of her, holding her handless arm in his face, blinding him with her own blood. The man fell and retched, and, people told authorities, died on the spot.
Claire and Barbara both profess to remember little else of what happened, although they’ve confided in me that he did not die of shame alone.
You’d never know any of their story just looking at them, thanks to plastic surgery, prosthetics, and most incredibly, their ability to still smile, laugh and gossip. Most days they look like they’ve stepped straight out of the pages of one of those expensive gardening catalogs: capable, comfortable and pleased with who they are, where they are.
(more…)
Posted by altehaggen in Teaser @ Wednesday, March 8, 2006 6:28 pm | |
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At a writing conference this weekend, we became privy to what we know is most likely the greatest haiku of all time:
Black branches past the windshield.
A cold wind in a field.
Corporate downsizing.*
Hold up. It’s got some competitors.
* We know. It’s not a haiku. That pushed it to the top of the list.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Tuesday, March 7, 2006 1:06 pm | |
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We do love our PC, and we are still in CDs and records. (Sorry; but we have a whole fucking stereo for them and everything! Boy. We just realized one day “stereo” is going to sound like “pneumatic tubes”.) Anyway, this is Hysterical Version 1.0. [via Consumerist, which we should read more.]
Posted by altehaggen in WTF @ Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:08 am | |
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His books sold solidly, but did not make best-seller lists. Movie producers bought options on his novels, but the films have not been made.
We were so sorry to hear about the death of Frederick Busch. Most obituaries have mentioned “Ralph the Duck”, the story for which we scoured the Internet, only to come up with this excerpt from Girls, which is, for lack of a better word, the extended version. (Last summer at the Chenango Valley Writers Conference, we had a moment with another author over how that was the most unnecessary novelization of perhaps the best story ever.) “Ralph the Duck” is the story we always showed to students who kept writing about suicide and rape and dead babies, in a “Please stop until you can do it this well” way. Such is the power of Duck that they ignored my evil and got it anyway. Busch’s career was also our old standard when we attempted to explain how one could write 89 wonderful books and still never achieve the notice accorded to those who were, in comparison, rank amateurs. Or just rank. (We should be nicer, however, because we mainly hold those authors’ interviews against them, not their novels.) At the conference, we had a chance to actually go to the quarry into which the story’s girl attempts to launch herself; it was dark, we were drunk, and everyone refused to jump, but that’s writers conferences for you.
Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Wednesday, March 1, 2006 10:54 am | |
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