Last-Last-Chance to WIN-WIN-WIN! [Reverb]

dogdays Someone once told us that Leos like nothing more than to give away what they love, and it turns out that this is true. (God forbid we ever procreate.) That’s why we’re offering those who feel they’ve made a poor showing in our Great Gift Giveaway challenge — which remains open until the commencement of 2006, remembs — once last chance to WIN WIN WIN.

We believe that even those of you who spent the days leading up to the election of 2004 with a goosedown pillow clapped firmly around your ears will recall Washingtonienne, the benevolent clerk who parlayed an interlude of ass-fucking into a book deal, a Playboy shoot (we’re so not linking), and even an appearance on T-Muffle (too drunk to find it). That book sucked. Wonkette‘s scandal-based book, on the other hand, is a saucy play on media whores, Crackberries and omnipresent, free-drink-seeking bloggers worthy of the swamp from which it rose. You have a chance to get it before the pub date — actually, we just strolled into a B&N and bought it, but whatever — A CHANCE TO GET IT BEFORE THE PUB DATE. Seize the Berry.

The Theme: Working 9 to Fuck You

Dog Days tells the tale of a campaign staffer who, in order to distract the media from a scandal involving her, creates an imaginary tertiary scandal that threatens her life and livelihood. (Well, not really her LIFE, but whatever.) We’re assuming you’ve never had to create a scandal to save your job, but we’re sure you’ve done plenty at work that, if uncovered, could get you fired. We had a boss who, in his psychotic way, used to mutter “fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou” under his breath every time his boss walked by. We ourselves, in our passive-aggressive way, used to type everything stupid our boss ever said to us or to someone on the phone straight into an email as if we were taking dutiful notes, then promptly send the email to all of our friends. So here’s the question: What is/was the most fireable offense you’ve ever committed at work? N.B.: This can be a one-time deal, like deleting the email of a client who’s been rude to you from your boss’s account, or a recurring kind of deal, like taking three roles of toilet paper home every Friday. Only one rule: If it involves bodily excretions of any kind, save it for your own tell-all.

(N.B. squared: We, uh, understand the need for secrecy in this kind of a challenge. Rest assured: You are absolutely safe entering under your real name in the comments because no one reads this blog. Still, if you’re dishing about your present job, we advise an alias. When/if you enter your email, no one sees it but us, but you can also email us directly with your answers if you’re a super-scaredy cat. AND REMEMBER: NO BODILY FLUIDS.)

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Saturday, December 31, 2005 12:07 pm | | Comments (3)

Anything that puts us in the company of Julie Christie is fine

We need the reverse dictionary lookup feature more every day. [via Maud]

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 10:51 am | | Comments (1)

We’ve tried to leave him, but…

…the Garamond lingers on. [via L'Ed]

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 10:32 am | | Comments (0)

Gay Cowboys Are My Weakness

Upon seeing “Brokeback Mountain.”

Old Hag: That movie’s totally going to sweep the Oscars.
Sister of Old Hag: Do you think?
OH: Were there any other good movies this year?
SOOH: I don’t think so.
OH: We have to find them. We have to rent them if there were any.
SOOH: I don’t want to see any movies that aren’t about gay cowboys.

Posted by altehaggen in Uncategorized @ Tuesday, December 27, 2005 1:19 am | Tags: | Comments (5)

Merry Festivus!

We had him at the name of the site: “Xtreme Valkyries.”

If you’re here from my latest review at the NYT, welcome. If you’re here because you will kill your cousin if she insists on continuing to argue why it is all right for companies to fire employees who “choose” to smoke, double welcome. Either way, please feel free to scroll down and try to win one of the many lovely books up for….winning…, or head back further and check out the past year of Old Hag. We’d like to thank the many guest bloggers who took their precious time to donate their wit and wisdom to this space, as well as the BOOG, without whom this site would never validate. And of course, we’d like to thank YOU, readers. Sorry Neil Gaiman was not what you wanted this year. We will kick up some Zadie Smith next time.

Remember, here are the contest rules. They end right at the cusp of next year, baby. Isn’t it awesome how this time of year you can say “next year” and it can mean in, like, five minutes? Anyway — happy holidays. And see you next year.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Sunday, December 25, 2005 9:08 am | | Comments (2)

The Old Hag’s Deuxieme Drummers Drumming

Today’s Reading: The Yule Blog (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

checkin
We know, we know. A pairing of our book* — a shallow pamphlet dashed off with the aid of several handlers in a week with a pure eye on profit — with Paris Hilton’s tour de force — a stroke, a stroke we say, of genius — is not obvious. But if you think about it, you will be BOWLED OVER by the similarities. First of all, you will never read either. Next up. parisOur book: Hotel theme. Paris’s book: Sex tape filmed in a hotel. Our book: Confessional poetry. Paris’s book: You may “Confess it All” to her. Our book: Sexy poems. Paris’s book: Written by ho. (Actually, what are we saying. Whatever poor editorial assistant had to write this thing probably doesn’t even have time to date.) Our book: Earned $700. Paris’s book: May not even crack two figures. Anyway, the main point is we want to get rid of the Paris book and we can’t bring ourselves to foist it upon any decent charity.

Theme: 13 Bloggers Blogging
We think we’ve learned quite a bit about the twelve days of Christmas during this period. First of all, whoever wrote that song was freaking obsessed with birds. We mean, geese, swans, doves, hens partridges…THANK GOD THIS GUY NEVER HEARD OF CHICK FIL A, that’s all we have to say. We’ve also learned that you really hate Neil Gaiman. We mean, YOU FREAKING HATE HIM. And Elizabeth Kostova.

Anyway, we’d like to think of some brilliant confessional question to wrap up this deluge of semi-confessions, but we find we really have just one question. Okay, three. A) What did you want for Christmas? B) What did you get for Christmas? C) If you could have gotten 13 of something, what would it have been?

We can answer you easily. A) One big gift certificate to IKEA and/or Crate and Barrel. B) We don’t know yet; this is a future post. (P.S. WE TOTALLY PSYCHED YOU OUT BECAUSE WE’RE HALF CATHOLIC AND WE DOOOOOO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.) C) 13 unpackers unpacking, people, one of whom is, like, a MASTER book alphabetizer. Plus one to haul all the bookcases and shit from IKEA. We’re moving January 5, God help us.

* SECRET POEM ALERT! The winner will also receive a poem that was left out of the book because we forgot to put it in the ms, but that was praised by two lovely people who enjoyed it above all others, even while sitting on a damn concrete floor. We don’t have a SECRET PARIS SEX TAPE! Sorry.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 9:00 am | | Comments (5)

Pipe, You Damn Eleven Pipers! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!

Today’s Reading: Two Words: Hodg. Man. (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

hodgie We hope it’s not necessary to speak long of the Hodgman. You should by now be aware of his exploits on stage, radio, the “World Wide Interweb“, Flickr, The Daily Show, and that most excellent venue, Mediabistro*. We had the very excellent opportunity to read with him and Messrs. Jonathan Coulton and David Rees recently**, and we were thrilled and delighted with how the former Borges scholar had morphed into a Host of Ceremonies the likes of our brother-in-brother-in-brother-in-law, Jim Gaffigan, which you would only know if you had been to our brother’s wedding, but just try to imagine.

We are pleased and fluttery to announce that we have THREE COUNTEM THREE copies of The Areas of My Expertise to release upon the general reading public, courtesy of John and his publicist Hector DeJean, the latter of whom we mention not least to note that that is inarguably the best. name. EVER.

Theme: Superquestion
Inspired by John’s “Invisible Man or Hawkman” piece, for this challenge, we were simply going to ask whether you would prefer the power of flight or the power to be invisible and why. (We’re so all about the flight. The only thing being invisible would let you do, it seems to us, is view people naked and hear what they said about you when you weren’t around. If you ever want to force a confession from us and have only 34 seconds, try those.) You can simply answer that question — always a winner — or expand it into what superpower you would like in general. Here’s ours.

There’s a gentleman — or a gentlewoman, we have no idea — who has, over the past two days, been attempting, partly successfully, to hack our site. (Apparently, like our parents when were twelve, we had something wrong with our “permissions”.) While we are glad that s/he was content at first simply to erase our post pages — merci! — and then fuck with our blogads — fucker! — if we had our druthers, we would do something even more devastating than learning something about hosting and Content Management Systems and how to actually handle our site without the assistance of someone with a Master’s in Physics and a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering. (Thanks, BOOG!)

We would haunt.

Oh, yes. Try messing around with our templates when your door keeps inexplicably slamming and a chill winter wind does blow. Try scanning our site when a death mask appears in that little mirror you have mounted to see when your mom is sneaking up behind you. TRY PUTTING AN EXTRA $ IN OUR BLOGADS WHEN YOUR MONITOR RELEASES A RIVER OF BLOOD AND AMBER TAMBLYN CLIMBS OUT IN A GOALIE /SCREAM MASK AND STABS ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE OF WHO YOU HACKED LAST SUMMER, MISTER. SERIOUSLY, TRY IT. BECAUSE WE DO NOT BELIEVE YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL.

Anyway, what’s yours?

* John is also an excellent journalist. If you have access to Nexis-Lexis, or even the World Wide Interweb, you should seek out his work.
** Ubiquitous flickr gallery of John at reading with actual hobo fan incoming.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Saturday, December 24, 2005 1:25 pm | | Comments (10)

We Wish it Were Okay to Say “Gay” Again, Because Omigod, Ten Lords A Leaping

Today’s Reading: Love, Actually (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

meek James Meek’s third novel, set in Siberia during the Russian revolution, comes supported by even more dazzling advance praise on the book jacket than has become the norm; in his case, though, quite a lot of it is deserved.

maps Aslam reveals — artfully and heartbreakingly — a psychology at war with itself. For all the alienation of their exile, his characters’ most devastating and irredeemable loneliness is within.

Theme: No Title
No offense to the very fine authors above, but they have made one terrible mistake in their novels — to wit, using the word “Love” in the title. “Love” may be the most tired title word of all time, though it is being nipped at the heels ravenously by “River,” “Stones,” “Night,” “Lost” (That’s two, Nadeem!) “Maps” (Three!) and “Dying”. Think Run, River, people. Oops. Rabbit, Run, we mean! Shit. Do we have to add “Run” over here, too? * **

So — what’s your LEAST FAVORITE totally FLAGRANTLY FOUL title word? If you want to just throw in the worst entire title of all time, that’s fine too. We’ll start you off with “Plainsong.” ENOUGH WITH THE PLAINSONG.

* Our FAVORITE overused word? “Darling”, as in I Am Thinking of My Darling, My Darling, My Hamburger, and The Darling and Peter Pan‘s The Darlings (we’re counting it). We don’t care what you say — you can’t go wrong with “Darling.”
** Bonus buzzer points for the reviewer calling a book “generous.” Unless there’s a fifty stuck between the pages.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Friday, December 23, 2005 9:00 am | | Comments (7)

The Old Hag’s 9 Ladies Dancing, And Now He’s Kind of a Perv

Today’s Reading: The Blog to Hell… (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here. )

Rothbart
Everyone is very fond of Davy Rothbart’s Found, the magazine of the crap that you used to let blow down the street that is apparently a peephole into the inner lives of its former owners. (That is why we shred EVERYTHING — even our soup.) You can read him discussing his lovely new book of short stories here.

underdog
What would happen if you just woke up and decided to do everything you knew you sucked at? Well, we call it Monday. Joshua Davis had to push the sucking envelope a little further — to be exact, until he was facing one three-hundred pound scantily clad Japanese man. We’ll stick with trying to beat our best friend’s brisket.

Theme: …is Paved With Broken Links
Well, now we understand why our parents used to just hand us an old pot and a stick to bang it with around the holidays — this gift-giving shit is HARD. (Oh, you think these web-optimized photos and Amazon links just magically appear, do you?) We have to tell you, at this point, we’d be happy to just let those other 8 fucking ladies dance while we go off and smoke pot with the help. But we’re going to POWER THROUGH THIS SHIT, MOTHERFUCKERS. And it occurs to us: That’s the theme of our books today, too. It’s not easy to continually wade through a lot of crap, photocopy it, send it to a bunch of people who find it terribly touching however much they’d like to dismiss it as some This American Life emo shit. It’s certainly not easy to keep getting your ass whupped by what is, for all intents and purposes, a series of scantily clad Japanese men. So what is it that keeps you going with projects when all the joy has been leached out of the process by the sheer length of the haul? We have to tell you, for us it’s money and/or Technorati links. We assume the rest of you can at least recommend a good Scotch.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Thursday, December 22, 2005 3:52 pm | | Comments (4)

The Old Hag’s Lactose-Love Eight Maid’s a Milking—Ho!!!

Today’s Reading: Twin it to Win It (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

McCarthy When your Old Hag was a wee, disgruntled lass, we wrote a dutifully disgruntled review of Tara McCarthy’s first book, mainly because we couldn’t understand WHY ANYONE WOULD WRITE A BOOK WHEN THEY COULD BE HAVING SEX. She was v. v. good-natured about my and others’ ribbing—heh—and we are very pleased to offer her book much-lauded book to fulfill the beloved Siamese ritual we understand is an age-old part of the Christmas holiday.

twins We have known Marcy since birth, so you can’t REALLY trust us when we say her book is tragically good. WE DO NOT BELIEVE THE NEW YORK TIMES, NEWSDAY, AND THE VILLAGE VOICE have known her since birth, however. We mean, they might have gone to camp together or something, but we don’t think they were even in the same bunk.*

Theme: Twin Fantasies
Some of you have misunderstood this immediately. Shame on you. But today’s contest involves raking your subconscious to produce the person of your secret twin. We don’t care who you are: Unless you have an ACTUAL twin, you have a fantasy twin, just like you have fantasy adoptive parents and possibly a fantasy dog, although if so you might just want to head out to the SPCA and get that dog because it’s not really that hard. Anyway, our fantasy twin is not the nicest. She’s slightly taller, thinner and better-looking, and she’s always talking on the phone to her boyfriend, slightly depressed, and not telling me what’s going on. We would borrow her clothes, but we can’t quite carry them off. She doesn’t look great in ours either. Make of that what you will.

So, who’s your twin? Bonus points for psychoanalyzing yourself to boot. What the hell, psychoanalyze us while you’re at it. Jeez, WHAT COULD OUR TWIN POSSIBLY MEAN? SO HARD TO PICK OUT THE NEUROSIS!!!!! **

* We actually have TWO COUNTEM TWO “TWINS” TO GIVE AWAY! WE ARE SEPARATING THEM AT BIRTH!
** Do you have an ACTUAL twin? You can’t enter this contest. Sorry. Try to cough up some adoptive parents or wait for tomorrow.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Wednesday, December 21, 2005 4:45 pm | | Comments (4)

The Old Hag’s Did You Ever Notice This Song Was All About Birds? Seven Swans A- Swimmin’

Gettin’ Greedy With It (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

We’ve been sticking pretty firmly to our policy of only one or two books per contest. But now one lucky person has the chance to win all of the best Litblog Coop picks! Except Case Histories! We’re keeping that puppy! Buy your own!

We’ll Have the Grouper
Don’t get us wrong. We love us some old Litblog Coop. Ain’t nuthin’ better than getting together a group of likeminded folks to accomplish a task. Except…omigod…AIN’T NUTHIN’ WORSE. Two is bad enough. Go over three, and you have bent the strictures of heaven into a holy hell where everyone is hell-bent on agreeing, EXCEPT OF COURSE THEY ARE NOT. dixonThat said, the worst that members of Litblog collectively did was each fire off approximately 6,000 emails beginning with the words “I’d like to weigh in…” (Guys, you had me at email 5,999.) Such minutae is dwarfed pretty much any morning of any day at any conference room by any action of ANY of the party assembled therein — though all of us have those special parties for whom we reserve our personal letter-opener fantasies. So, what we would like to know is, who’s YOUR group bugbear? Mr. Aftershave, who glares sardonically and says nothing while using his toe to slowly rotate the chair back-and-forth because he thinks we will think if he says nothing we will secretly know how superior he is to us all, angelexcept ha ha ha all we think is GOOD CHAIR-ROTATING SKILLS, GUY? Inexplicably explosive girl, whose eyes send out death rays as she says, “I KNOW, Bob. We all UNDERSTAND that. Mmmkay?” Older woman who comes up after you and smiles and asks if she can give you some feedback to your feedback? “We’ll work it out” lady? Oh, WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. THAT MEANS “NO”. We’re going to make sure we DON’T work it out, “We’ll work it out!”

napoleonWe have to say, our most hated party is not globally reviled, however often we speak of him. We hate “C’mon, guys.” Here’s the deal, “C’mon, guys.” We are having a fight with BOB. Bob has not quite explained to us why he does not see fit to order a new ream of paper until we finish the old one. We are trying to explain to Bob that if he does this, we will not have paper for a week. Bob is dumb. We are not. So either change that, “C’mon, guys,” to “C’mon, Bob — stop being such an asshat,” or we will take that powdered donut and shove it right up your… okay, we might actually deserve a “C’mon, guys,” at this juncture.*

* You can’t hate the person who shows up at the table with the muffin you bought yesterday that you stored in the fridge. Or who spilled the coffee all over. Or who rolls her eyes at you and lets you see by accident. That was us. Sorry.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Tuesday, December 20, 2005 9:00 am | | Comments (6)

The Old Hag’s We’re Going to Have to Revise Our Statement, Sir: There ARE Six Geese, And They Are, In Fact, A-laying

Today’s Reading: We Have Not, In Fact, Read These Authors Yet, So We Shall Critique Their Dress (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

Anansi Neil Gaiman is, we know, an extraordinarily popular author. He’s like the Howard Stern of fantasy. Sci-fi. Whatever. SEE, WE DO NOT KNOW, BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT READ HIM YET. He came late to our slow, meandering reading life, and he is thus far down on our queue. We’re going to get to him once we become slightly less useless, but you can enjoy this extraordinarily popular author NOW. We’d just like to say one thing: all things being equal, we’d have preferred a cravat to a candle, since it apparently came to that.

Historian We have to be honest. Some of our dear friends’ views on this novel were…not so much. But some were…SO MUCH. We know one thing for sure: We’re not feeling the cowl. But authors, in our view, share the same fashion privileges as bloggers: which is to say, they need not consider. Anyway, she wrote a book about DRACULA. Of course she’s got the cowl-block going.

Today’s Reading: Good vs. Evil
The one thing you can count on in fantasy or sci-fi or most books we haven’t yet read is that they will have both a HERO and an ANTAGONIST, the latter of whom we will refer to from this point forward as RESIDENT EVIL. In the last week, we have had the good fortune, without even baring our cleavage on any book cover, to come across both of these figures.

Exhibit 1:
The scene: Our local laundromat. Dramatis personae: Us. Middle-Aged Man emerging from fitting room. Young Man who has just picked up his packet of clothing.
As YOUNG MAN completes his transaction, MIDDLE-AGED emerges from the fitting room holding a pair of KHAKIS. He begins to move towards US, and, as M.A.M. of a certain unfortunate disposition often do to women US’s age, quietly pretends US does not exist.
Y.M. [heading for door] Thanks!
M.A.M. [elbowing US gently out of the way, placing his khakis upon the counter and opening his wallet] Okay, these look good.
Us [politely]: Sir, you’ve just cut me in line.
M.A.M. [not turning around, kind of channeling Henry Fonda in On Golden Pond] I was ahead of you. Graaa.
Us [politely, enough] Actually, I was in line.
Y.M. [Not yet departed!] You should let the lady go first.
M.A.M. [Literally] Fuck you. Go fuck yourself! Graaaa!
Y.M. [way politely] That’s wrong. That lady was in line. You should let the lady go first.

This went on for MINUTES. The words “simpleton”, “fatass”, and “fuckhead” were hurled. All the time young man remained polite. There was zero chance he was just a confrontation freak, as he never moved to strangle old man. There was also zero chance he was hitting on us, as we were Wearing Your Jeans All Week, Population Us. He finally moved on, but we missed our chance to thank him. Thank you, good sir!

Designation: HERO

Exhibit 2:

This one is faster, and we’re dropping the thespian overlay, which we’re sure you had tired of aeons ago. We had to meet a contractor in a windy workplace at the back of an empty mall. It was very dark and early when we arrived, and we somehow mistook the yellow border of parking space for the, uh, yellow line in the middle of the road. However, we must emphasize that, though we are from NJ and should NEVER MAKE MISTAKES AT MALLS, there was NO ONE THERE ALL DAY, we were TIRED, and it was kind of funny that we parked in the middle of the road.

When we got back to our car at midnight, we found this note, in a very neat — nay, friendly – hand stuck under our windshield wiper. We just have to preface this with the fact that this was The. Best. Note. Stuck. Under. A. Windshield. Wiper. EVER:

To the truly clueless:

FYI your car is in the middle of the road. You, however, may not be and your loser boy John Kerry certainly wasn’t!

Have a great day!

Well, it was NIGHT, sir. NIGHT. Take that.

Designation: RESIDENT EVIL

So, here’s the challenge. Tell us about your best encounter with a stranger of late, either HERO or RESIDENT EVIL. If none comes to mind, just go to the mall, purchase something, and attempt to have it wrapped.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Monday, December 19, 2005 9:00 am | | Comments (2)

Contestador

We have reached the halfway point…and there is no end in sight! We would like to remind the digital swarm of you that you still may enter any of the contests at any time up until NEW YEAR’S EVE, you may enter as MANY TIMES AS YOU LIKE as MANY CONTESTS AS YOU WANT, and you may even DOUBLE-POST (our comments moderation queue is often slow — when in doubt, wait it out). On an gentilerly other note, this Christmas shit is hard. Next year, we’re going back to Chanukah.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 1:36 am | | Comments (0)

We’re going to leave the heavy lifting on this one to T-Muffle

Raise your hand if you know which extra the New York Times saw fit to insert in an article about a young boy who, unbeknownst to his parents, began selling lurid shots and videos of himself by webcam to predators online:

a) The boy’s contact information.
b) A pricing sheet.
c) An online video interview featuring shots of said boy in wifebeater with a caption reading “Hint: Right-Click, Save Target As, Baby!”

P.S. A friend requested that we blog about this article, but we started to hear a great, heated whistling in our head as our eyes slowly burned out of their sockets. Perhaps one of those black or gay people sitting “literally…against the wall or a few chairs away from the insiders” can find a moment to slip upstairs and do some blogging for us — that is,when they’re done with the dishes.

Posted by altehaggen in WTF @ 1:14 am | | Comments (0)

Smell Ya Later, Birds: The Old Five Golden Rings

Today’s reading: Sing it With Us: LAI-LA-A-A! (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

hope This is, as a boss used to say so often it became a handy way to think of her as well, a no-brainer. Laila is a friend and one of our favorite bloggers, and we have no qualms about happily shilling for her on our site. Not that she needs it. If you don’t win the book, beg for it, borrow it, steal it — best, buy it.

satrapi Laila’s comix pick for the Litblog Coop may not have won, but it was our second choice after our own, which, of course, beat everyone else’s. (Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Finally, we triumph! See below.) You can read Laila discuss her choice on the Litblog Co-op’s site here.

Theme: It’s Not Easy Being Green
You are jealous of Laila. OH, SHUT UP YES YOU ARE. She is beautiful, bold, bloggity, and her book is doing spectacularly well. THE RIGHTS HAVE BEEN SOLD TO HARCOURT, FOOL. SHE’S BEEN IN PEOPLE, PEOPLE. Yes, you are happy for her, you’re kvelling, you know her own fame is a wondrous light you may bathe in happily, like a benevolent sun. But you’ve got the Penvy, and you’ve got it bad.

HOWEVER. Penvy is such a small and specific type of jealousy — as the Phrygian mode is to music, say. What we’d like to know is far baser. We’re too far up denial to remember any horrific incidents of our own design, but we do know that our mother once briefly and ultimately harmlessly ground her sister’s face into the sidewalk after someone said the latter was pretty. (To her defense, our mother was only five — and her sister was very pretty.) In short: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to someone because you were jealous? Did you hire someone to kill them before the cheerleading tryouts? Drown them in a creek because your boyfriend liked them? Do anything else Lifetime-worthy? And let’s get some men in the comments, people. We know you are fond of terming it “the competitive instinct” — and we’re onto you.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Sunday, December 18, 2005 9:00 am | | Comments (4)

It’s a Do!

glamour Because we are a young, confident working woman on the go*, we subscribe to not only O and Redbook** but to Marie-Claire, Lucky***, and, of course, GLAMOUR — which is really the Bible, no matter what Elle Woods says. That’s why we were so thrilled to be ahead of the curve on the special feature on the foxy misses Heather and Wendy, who are not porn stars but are better known to you as Dooce and Poundy. If you are a man so unhappy as to have no woman in your life who reads Glamour or a woman who does not read Glamour – WTF?!?! — tell us what thing you buy eight iterations of when, let’s face it people, you only need one, and we will send you the issue. What the hell, we’ll send you all of our magazine issues from this past month. No P.O. boxes.

* =Old, scary cat lady.
** True. And enjoy them, bitches.
*** One of you neighbors stole my Lucky, btw. Don’t think we don’t know which one. Actually, we don’t. Give it back, you ho.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Saturday, December 17, 2005 2:49 pm | | Comments (4)

The Old Four Calling Birds

Today’s reading: Eat Your Book; It’s Good For You (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)

Millet We so wish we had our never-ran review of Lydia Millet‘s Everyone’s Pretty at hand. We know it used words like “exuberant,” “thrilling,” “phantasmagor”— well, perhaps it’s better we don’t have that review on hand after all. Let not the author suffer from our thesaurus abuse, however.

sorrentino How hot will you be if you win Gilbert Sorrentino’s forthcoming A Strange Commonplace? It doesn’t exist on Amazon. It doesn’t exist on the web. It’s not even on the publisher’s website, motherfucker! Behold the image of the author himself, which must suffice until you and only you can crack its embargoed cover and devour its contents. (That is, of course, if by “you and only you”, you mean “you, after the Old Hag had her treacherous fill.”)

Theme: Oh No You Didn’t
We have a confession. We really hate modernist authors. We really hate “experimental” or “meta”-fiction. WE HATE ANY BOOKS WITHOUT THE NAMES “WHARTON”, “DICKENS” OR “LEWIS” ON THE COVER. That said, we’ve actually read the authors above and, to our dismay, enjoyed them very much. Somehow, however, that doesn’t stop us from lying about other authors without even noticing. Say “Bruno Schultz,” for instance. We’ll nod. “Calvino.” We retain none of it — except the nodding thing. But we’re not going to make this a boring “What author do you lie about having read” thing, because we don’t want to crack our comment capacity. We want the thing you lie about without even noticing in your basic life. For instance, we, apparently, run five miles a day, are really into yoga, cook with fresh herbs, love to travel, and rarely interrupt people in conversation. We have never had our sole activity be walking to our car for a month or our primary meal a bowl of Chex and an apple. Never. NEVER. We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Unwitting dissemblers? Come to comments.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 9:00 am | | Comments (3)

The Old Three French Hens

Today’s reading: The Living Ain’t Easy; Or, The Men in T-Muffle’s Life (Don’t know WTF this is about? Click here.)
Letters YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ROB WALKER*. He is a POLYMATH, a GENIUS, a boomin’ WORDSMITH, and, apparently, so nice it is impossible to hate him as thoroughly as anyone so talented should be duly despised. This portrait of New Orleans was so wonderful it made us laugh, cry, call things “portraits”, and experience that warm cornucopia of feeling Oprah apparently partakes of on a second-to-second basis. Best non-annoying meta press release ever too, which shall be included.

* Rob’s web site? Oh yeah! It’s WC3 compliant, HTML 4.01 Transitional, validating CSS, baby!

my cold war Tom Piazza‘s books both come so highly recommended by a dear friend of ours, we are self-prying them out of our own hot little hands to get them to you in time for the New Year. Don’t worry about us; we’ll just get our friend drunk and steal his copies — maybe some leftover Chinese, too — when he’s not looking. Mmm. Chinese.

Theme: We Roux the Day
We’re sad to say, we only had a chance to visit New Orleans once. Our mother’s grandmother was born and raised in Plaquemine, though, and passed down her incomparable recipe for gumbo to the family. Let us explain something to you about gumbo, people. It is not that watery, tomato-strewn gruel brimming with three brine shrimp you get throughout the rest of the country. It is thick. It is rich. It has more sealife than the Baltimore Harbor. AND IT IS NOT RED.

It is brown.

Okay, so the color of gumbo is where we put our foot down. We know you, too, know of food items only prepared properly in one damn place. We’re talking rye bread and brisket in the Bronx. We’re talking Chinese in the Bronx. We’re talking… GODAMMIT WE WERE GOING TO SWITCH TO CONNECTICUT BUT NOTHING CULINARY IS GOING DOWN IN CONNECTICUT. Okay, whatever. We’re talking gimme the hootch you’ll only drink in your corner bar. (No grandma’s stuffing, grandma’s boys.)

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Friday, December 16, 2005 9:00 am | | Comments (8)

Hangy Tool? Go, Ya NothL? Ah…ANTHOLOGY

Speaking of STOLEN DREAMS, Francis Heaney has crafted a wondrous anthology — a Holy Tango, if you will — of classic poems retitled and reenvisioned using anagrams of the authors’ names (me sam). Really, really don’t understand what we are talking about? Behold the genius:

LIKABLE WILMA
WILLIAM BLAKE

Wilma, Wilma, in thy blouse,
Red-haired prehistoric spouse,
What immortal animator
Was thy slender waist’s creator?

When the Rubble clan moved in,
Was Betty jealous of thy skin,
Thy noble nose, thy dimpled knee?
Did he who penciled Fred draw thee?

Wilma, Wilma, burning bright, ye
Cartoon goddess Aphrodite,
Was it Hanna or Barbera
Made thee hot as some caldera?

One of our challenges was going to be the book title anagram that best reflected the author or vice versa. Well, damn it, Heaney, WE ARE STILL DOING IT. Don’t shake your pencil-scratching skillz at us. (Some have said the book’s unorderable on Amazon now; Francis says try here.)*

* Narcissism alert: We will buy a copy of the book for anyone who comes up with the best anagram of our name — “Elizabeth Skurnick”, dumkopfs — plus “Old Hag” or “The Old Hag”. Lazyasses, download the e-book here.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ Thursday, December 15, 2005 2:26 pm | | Comments (9)

TRY BEING A POET JERKWADS

Dear friends,

Happy holidays to all, and a special congratulations to many of you who have celebrated this past year with new wives or husbands, new babies, new apartments, new jobs, and new flat-screen TVs. We’re filmmakers; we have none of those things.

We are unsurprised that the boys of Yankee Pot Roast have produced what is cleary is our favorite solicitation opening ever. We definitely think it deserves, in this season of giving, some of your money.

Posted by altehaggen in Lit-ish @ 1:52 pm | | Comments (0)

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