Felicia Marie Noth & David Achille Skurnick, July 23, 2005

Posted by Lizzie on 07/28/05

FDD.jpg

1. J. Crew silk moire dress: $98
2. “Floren” Slingback Sandal: $49.95
3. Tigi Catwalk Curls Rock! Leave-in Moisturizer: $17
4. Bride’s Tarte cosmetics: $250
5. Bride’s Sephora tools: $158.45
6. 19 eyeliners and mascaras to match the missing Tarte products: $56.93
7. Undetectably Xeroxed at Kinko’s neon programs: $56
8. Totally incompetent hairdresser/makeup artist: $25
9. Freakishly overpriced ticket for tubing: $20
10. Freakishly overpriced THANK GOD WE GOT THEM aquatic shoes for tubing: $8
11. Replacement for the transmission that exploded at 125th street and the muffler that conveniently dropped with rusted dignity onto the corner of 18th and 9th Ave, as calculated by one “Moe”: $1700
12. NEW SISTER-IN-LAW, HER TREMENDOUS FAMILY, AND HER BROTHER-IN-LAW JIM GAFFIGAN, WHO CAN BE FOUND AT MYSPACE.COM, THAT’S MYSPACE.COM:

PRICELESS.

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For the record, the author is a mere slip of a girl

Posted by Lizzie on

Ms. Lippman’s current jacket photo suggests a tough dame, with piercing eyes, an I’ve-got-your-number half smile and a dark overcoat with an upturned collar. But in real life, she is softer and without artifice: A tall, big-boned blonde with a cozy between-us-girls conversational style.

Dear New York Times:

We know you’re getting old. We know, what with Metro and Style and all, you’ve — cough — spread a bit. We KNOW — the color is not fooling anyone — you’ve gone completely gray.

Still, the new fonts are happening. That transparent sleeve is a good look. For Christ’s sake, men still pick you up every day.*

Stop. The. Hatred.

Word to the third,

Old Hag

* Whore.

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Brownie Points

Posted by Lizzie on

The Forbes people wouldn’t know the inside of a Denny’s even if they were given a comprehensive diagram and a copious document explaining what a Grand Slam Breakfast is.

Okay. Someone award Ed something for that. A Moons Over My Hammy. Denver Scramble. Something!

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According to Almond, it’s not a “florid account of reefer madness.” Sorry.

Posted by Lizzie on

To understand how audacious I found [William's] opening you would have to know how loyal I was, back then, to the bromides of MFA programs: show, don’t tell, make it new, and so on. Because I lacked confidence in the stories I was trying to tell, and because those stories were half-formed at best, I was constantly withholding basic facts from the reader. It was my assumption this would beguile them. I also crammed my pieces with histrionic plot twists and quirky characters. When that didn’t work, I flogged the language mercilessly.

Stoner changed all that for me.

Knowing of our fetish — let’s just call it what it is — for the work of Richard Yates, Andy at Dust Congress sends along this link to Steve Almond‘s Tin House review of the work of John Williams, particularly recommending Stoner, our imminent reading of which seems a foregone conclusion. We’re fairly sure the author is not the composer too, but we’re going to kick on the soundtrack to E.T. just in case.

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Taking a Position

Posted by Lizzie on

Erica Grieder of Austinist, unlike ourselves, manages to give The Position a review that actually, um, discusses the book. Unlike the commenters (scroll down), we’re very bummed that we missed the illustrational naughty bits. Erica, send us the email and we’ll post it here. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen those, as, in most ways, we are no longer eight and scrabbling on the floor with a group of friends at our parents’ dinner party, armed with a copy of Forever for later.

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You know the next guest-blogger ain’t gon Linkin Park, right?

Posted by Lizzie on 07/27/05

Damn, Forbes.com! You needs to chill! Give a sister some space and shit. You don’t gots to be all breathin’ down my neck. It’s Kool Moe Dee, motherfucker.

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Irritating but obligatory excuse

Posted by Lizzie on

Sorry for the silence here. Circumstances hereabouts have necessitated various acts of resting and regrouping, possible even some hot-stone massage. We will soon return, and highlights of future entries include lesbian pulp fiction, incompetent makeup artists, beloved flight attendants, the first ever Old Hag Meme*, and possible even some, you know, commentary on books and stuff. Look for us in steam room — we’ll be the one with the KFC.

* tm OH LLC

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And if you don’t run our piece soon, we will progress from hurt to hurtin’

Posted by Lizzie on 07/26/05

The first one we meet is Elaine, a fourth-grade schoolteacher. Her husband, an orthopedist, is having an affair with a nurse named Marlene, and has grown ”lazy in his excuses for arriving home past midnight.” Home alone, Elaine tends to their two children and, thanks to a mail-order product, sees to her sexual needs. When her husband comes in at night, she feigns sleep ”until his loathsome, sexually sated snore” starts up. Meanwhile, Elaine’s boss hints that he’ll fire her unless she sleeps with him. Elaine is a no-nonsense gal. She pulls down her underwear, saying, ”If that’s all it takes.”

With a rush and a push and a sexually sated snore, Maud‘s New York Times is ours.

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Amusements

Posted by Lizzie on 07/19/05

As we depart, we just want to make sure you caught these things the first (or eighteenth; we have no attention span) time around:

1. Enter the Zogg.
2. Fear the Epic.
3. Mock the salad.
4. Get Engraveyarded.

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Large Vibrating Blog

Posted by Lizzie on 07/18/05

Our previous blogger fell by the wayside, so the marvelous Jimmy Beck has GALLANTLY agreed to step in. He says posting will be sporadic and manic, which means things will be pretty much par for the course around here. See you back when we have a sister-in-law.

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Open Source � Blog Archive � *

Posted by Lizzie on 07/15/05

The only possible reason we would ever consider getting an iPod is to more conveniently download and listen to stuff like this, especially in our car. Does anyone know how to make a ’94 Volvo into an MP3-playing monster without the genius of L’Apple? **

* Those aren’t our question marks; it’s how the link comes up in the title field. The subhead of the blog is also “I have one question: are we, ah, live now or what?” Christopher Lydon and co. will probably become more sure of themselves once they know we’re listening in the Volvo.

** Speaking of which, does anyone also know how to make this apostrophe — ’94 — go the right fucking way? We yelled at Gawker for this already today, and now feel hypocritical and in need of redemption all at once.

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Lickona, Lickona! *

Posted by Lizzie on

First of all, we’d like to thank Matthew Lickona for his marvelous guest-bloggery this week. Since we invited a dyed in the scapular cracker-eating Catholic aboard, we knew there’d be some amazing firsts, like discussions of God, the Universe, even, fer Chrissakes, the sins of our fathers. Still, there was one visitation never expected — and we feel quite certain will never see again on this site: Namely, the appearance of the word “Gosh”.

Praise his name!

* TM The Prince of Tides.

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Large Vibrating Egg: EAT IT

Posted by Lizzie on

Jeez, it’s only taken us, like, FIVE MONTHS to add a link (see right) to the man who guest-blogged for us for an entire summer while we tried to get our medications right and stop crying every time we needed to walk down the stairs. (Note to Jimmy: This should give you an idea how we treat the BOOG. P.S., Every time we see our sister, she says, “When the fuck are you going to add Jimmy to your blogroll, you freak?” Miriam, done.) Anyway, we would like to add our congratulations to the growing pile. We remember well the three years of contest-entering we logged to get our book published to the tune of $250. That was $1,000 well spent.

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It was a total Undo Bold

Posted by Lizzie on 07/14/05

This reminds us of that awesome villanelle we wrote in college using only the “Edit” functions in Microsoft Word. [via Bookslut]

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Hold the phone: They’re putting bloggers on the radio

Posted by Lizzie on

As if the man weren’t a veritable wind tunnel on any given day already, now he’s STREAMING.*

* Please note, all hostility above is directed not to the T to the E single V, but to Open Source, who, as you will recall, TOTALLY JACKED US.

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Calling all those who still know what cosine is

Posted by Lizzie on

Just so the BOOG does not have to spend yet another hour spooling through Perl or hurling mystical incantations at our motherboard (or, to be more accurate, ashing all over it), can any of you technical people come to our rescue? Our hosting service is dropping Neomail, which we use, and which does not allow one to export one’s address book, because apparently it hasn’t been updated since Gimme A Break! was on the air. (For you young folks, that was the star vehicle for Nell Carter, who’s dead now, in what will hopefully be the last T.V. incarnation of the sassy, sexless Mammy, Carson Kressley notwithstanding.) Anyway, any ideas? We don’t want to send an email to the whole address book asking them to write us back — because, as you know, no one likes us, and no one will — and we certainly don’t want to go to Source Forge. That Torsten guy is a joke. A joke! There must be a way to handle this, but we are too drunk to think of it. Or we’re too busy getting drunk, we forget. Anyway, all suggestions suffered with tactful restraint.

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Fast on the heels of the platinum “But Walls Taste Good”

Posted by Lizzie on 07/12/05

I don’t know, but that’s the name of my next album.

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Byron Preiss, RIP

Posted by Lizzie on

Omigod! My old boss died.

Although I worked for Byron Preiss for about a year, I didn’t know him very well, and I can’t say anything in the way of a decent memorial. But what I remember: He was always, always, ALWAYS in a meeting to set up some deal or another — the man WORKED HARD, people, he was OUT THERE; he was very capable of getting excited about Venuzuelan graphic artists, and after any interaction, he would call you “Honey,” not in a creepy or patronizing or waitress in a diner-esque way, but honestly and truly as if he had momentarily forgotten that you were not his daughter, which was kind of nice.

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The people who were trying to find “www.oldhag.com,” on the other hand, will be thrilled

Posted by Lizzie on 07/11/05

Do not under any circumstances tell my guest blogger about this.

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Misstace Were Made

Posted by Lizzie on

Misfortune.jpg As is pretty much ceaselessly the case, we liked a joke so much, we got everything else in the universe wrong. The so much classier than we are it’s not even funny author Wesley Stace, whose Misfortune is reviewed somewhere to your bottom left there, informs us that we have misfortunately told you that the main character is a hermaphrodite (WRONG; read the book) and that the drop caps are the work of artist and lithographer Sylvie Covey (WRONG; new wife Abbey Tyson did them, although you have to give us a break there and admit that those names sound very similar and may in fact be anagrams).

We are very sorry, but what can we do? We were eating a baby.

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